Hi anhminh3105,
These are several suggestions for your writing:
1. It is true that video surveillance has become 2. commonplace in many 3. countries by the effort of the governments in term of reducing crime. While I understand that critics may see this as 4. the personal violation, I 5. wholeheartedly believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks.
1. You stated "true" in the first sentence, but there is no reason why this is "true". I suggest that you write 1 sentence before you give a "true" statement. This is an instance for you:
Development in advanced technology such as a CCTV has helped people to control criminal action rates in their towns. It is true ... (You continue with your statement here)2. Commonplace in: this is not collocate, you have to put "among"
(commonplace among)3. Country is different with city. Based on Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary, country is an area of land that has its own government, army, etc. City is a large town.
It is better for you to use "large town or town" to paraphrase "city".4. The personal: You did not mention the word "personal" before,
you have to omit the article "the".5. Based on Oxford Collocations Dictionary, the word for "wholeheartedly" is used with these verbs: agree, approve, concur, disagree, embrace, endorse, recommend, subscribe, support.
For example: I wholeheartedly agreeSuggestions for paragraph 1:
1. You should answer why video cameras reduce crime.
2. You should answer why video cameras restrict individual freedom.
3. You should give more benefits than drawbacks or vice versa and give general examples.
4. Your opinion or your position.
At least, you have 4 sentences in the first paragraph.Good Luck...