I have always had the desire to help others in need,
- some evidence to prove this statement on your part will be quite helpful. It does not need to be very long but you need to mention something to prove that you have the passion to help people.
After I graduated, I still was not certain which avenue to follow. As I researched different degrees, I came about the SLP program. One sentence that really caught my attention said, "If you are looking for a career that has a combination of health care, and education professions, this is the career for you". Instantly, I was assured this profession would help me make a difference in people's lives.
- You cannot apply to graduate school and tell the admissions office that you were never certain of the path you were going to take. This line alone will get this application thrown into the trash. Instead, portray yourself as always having known that this is the path you would end up in. Explain that you came to know about the SLP program while still in college and decided that it was the logical next step for you and why.
It was through my experience as an SLPA intern that I truly learned how speech impairments can affect someone's life so extensively. I had the privilege of working with children ages 2-14 years old, with a variety of disorders ranging from articulation/phonological conditions, to language and fluency disorders. One unforgettable experience is when I helped a client (Zorion) reach his articulation goal of pronouncing the phoneme /r/ in sentence form. Zorion had been working on this goal for months, and with a few of my personal techniques I helped him reach his goal in 4 sessions. When Zorion eagerly rushed down the hall with a huge smile on his face to inform his mother that he reached his goal I knew this was the rewarding career I desired.
- This paragraph is a nice touch. In the portion where you mention some personal techniques, I suggest that you mention at least one of these techniques in order to show that you have the potential to become a future leader in this field, which will make a graduate degree even more important for you to have.
Your closing statement was just to short, bland, and non-informative. I am suggesting that you revise this statement using the comments that you have been provided with and see if there is a notable difference from the first to the second version. I know that there is a 300 word limit. But that is just a test of your thought coherence. As you revise the essay, you will find a way to say what you need to say using a few words as possible. Let's work on getting your message across to the admissions officer first and then work on cleaning up the grammar errors.
My best wishes to you as you revise the paper. That is, if you choose to do so :)