any editing would be appreciated!
Every morning, I stand in reminiscence of a broken reflection. I have my mother's eyebrows, dark brown pupils, and slightly flat nose. Everything else remains a mystery.
My biological father is a forbidden subject. Thirteen years ago, my mother tore me out of his arms. He stood against the winter wind, eyes blazed, tight jawed and fists clenched. I was thrust into a vehicle, my tears withheld. My face pressed against the frozen glass. His flare, soaked and torn as he stared after us. We vanished, much like the distant memories of him.
I wonder if someday I'll see him again. The same man with the vehement semblance that grew smaller and smaller as we drove away. So far, my reflection has become a constant reminder that I only knew half of my identity.
These thoughts never left as I matured. Obsession motivated me to secretly prowl through my mother's personal documents. Slowly, the pieces fell together, and finally, a ten digit number was in my possession. Just ten numbers. Ten numbers answering my every question. Ten numbers restoring the bleached memories of a man I never knew. Ten numbers completing the broken reflection I stared into every morning. Ten numbers that could fix me.
Yet as I picked up the phone and pushed on the first digit, I paused. My entire existence flashed before my eyes. For the first time in seventeen years, I saw myself as a whole. I was neither a broken piece nor a fragile reflection; it didn't matter that I'll probably never see the man who resembles my other half. Thomas Szasz once noted in The Second Sin, "The self is not something one finds; it's something one creates". My identity is constructed from my personal experiences. I do not live to seek myself in others, but instead I create my own image.
(awkward transition). People tell me I walk with purpose. Shoulders back. Chest leveled. Head high. Eyes looking straight ahead. In a sea of students racing for the cafeteria, lunch time is my greatest battle. I hoist my backpack as I maneuver through the crowd. Thirty minutes to drop off my papers for teachers, interview the campus aid, print out lab notes, stop by the counseling office and finally, grab lunch with friends. At times, there is no indication of a clear path, but my determination urges me to push on. I learn to bypass everyone in my way, keeping my eyes focused on my goal. As I cross off each item on my to-do list at the end of the day, I feel invincible. A sense of satisfaction engulfs me as I realize not only have I created an identity I can call my own, but I've also become my own motivation. When I didn't have a man who was there to cheer me on as I slid backwards down the slide for the first time, I simply learned to cheer on myself.
This is really great, i see no editing that needs to be done. Your words kept me wanting to continue reading. Good job!
I really like the first couple paragraphs. You painted an excellent picture and I wanted to continue reading. Great job so far
Looks perfect!!
I see no mistakes in grammar or vocabulary. Your essay is touching and sounds natural. :D Good luck with your studying.
Thank you!
hmmm... it's very well written. and I think a powerful statement... I just don't know if it addresses the prompt.
Perhaps you need to elaborate on the identity you created that you call your own.
Also, I didn't understand how the bit about lunch and going through school was relevant. Maybe you walk with purpose but you don't need the school montage to tell us that. And why is lunch time your greatest battle???
The walking part was supposed to address the identity that I created that's my own. But perhaps I should find a better way to connect the two ideas.
This is an amazing essay, powerful story and great vivid imagery! The lunch part is a bit ambiguous, maybe contrast it more with the way you behave?
I don't understand how any of this
Thirty minutes to drop off my papers for teachers, interview the campus aid, print out lab notes, stop by the counseling office and finally, grab lunch with friends. At times there is no indication of a clear path, however my determination urges me to push onward. I've learned to bypass those in my way, keeping my eyes focused on the goal. At the end of the day, I feel invincible.
has to do with your identity. It doesn't tell me anything about who you are, besides that you're swamped during school but you keep on grinding.
People tell me I walk with purpose.Shoulders back. Chest leveled. Head high. Eyes looking straight ahead. In a sea of students racing for the cafeteria, lunch time is my greatest battle. I hoist my backpack as I maneuver through the crowd.
I love this whole bit, but the first part bugs me. It's a cliche, maybe try
Shoulders back. Chest leveled. Head high. Eyes looking straight ahead, as I brace for impact. In a sea of students racing for the cafeteria, lunch time is my greatest battle. I hoist my backpack as I maneuver through the crowd.
Or some other input of words that show what your body adjustments are all about.
Thank you for the suggestions! I'll see what I can do. But does this essay fit the second UC prompt?
Yes, the experience would be your estranged father and your relationship with him. The outcome of that experience is the strength of your own identity and own self. Although a bit dark and sad, this essay works.
Last bit of advice: Focus more on you. You have the imagery and the examples, but you need to write a little more on how your relationship affected you, like the before and after portion.
This is a very powerful essay. However, I would take out the irrelevant sections (as pointed other) to fit the word limit.
