Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Graduate   % width Posts: 4


Do the experiences written in my personal statement reveal my academic ability?


Cynthia 1 / 1  
Dec 21, 2010   #1
Hi, I'm Cynthia~I'm a chinese girl and I'm a new comer of Essayforum. I hope someone could help me to revise my PS for application of graduate education. My major is music performance and now I wanna change to study in communication which centers on the field of advertising. How could this personal statement better reveal my potential power in study advertising? and I know there are nonnative expressions in my paper.. so can anyone help me?` thanks very much.!

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------
In the past four years of my university, I had many opportunities to have close interaction with Media, and I was fascinated by it. The strong interest has led me to pursue a career in Media, especially advertising. Your university is among the most prominent ones in the United States and also enjoys a high reputation overseas. The opportunity to continue further study at your distinguished university will be an indispensable and an invaluable factor on my road to success.

In terms of interest in advertising, it has to track back to my second year at university. In the summer holiday of that year, I was helping my aunt to hand out leaflets to promote her newly opened hair salon. Since she urgently needed to get more customers and reduce cost, I was volunteering to do this job for her in different blocks of our city. Unfortunately, the result was not quite satisfactory. I have recognized that although there were a large number of leaflets handed out, most people have thrown them away. Having failed to bear the sweltering weather on that day, I eventually fainted after two hours standing on the street. The first thought I had after waking up was to learn the knowledge of advertising in order to find out the most effective means of publicity. Keeping this in mind, I have decided to study the related subjects of advertising, such as advertising management and operation. Because there are several outstanding subjects in advertising at your university, getting admission to your university is my top choice.

In my four year academic career, I have had a wide range of contact with advertising. First of all, I believe studying advertising could benefit me in different ways, like gaining media planning, communication and information processing skills. Thus, I have taken two advertising related subjects as my elective classes in the Communication & Literature College of my university. They were Advertising Psychology and Photographic Art Appreciation. Regarding the Advertising Psychology, the main research involves the advertising-related principles of mental activity and focusing on the psychological process of customers. As to the Photographic Art Appreciation, the key part is to appreciate large amounts of pieces of works in advertising photography, in order to enhance our perception of art and aesthetic value. Apart from that, our professor spent several lessons discussing market strategy which is concealed in some photography of classic advertisement. Learning these two courses lead to my increasing interest in advertising as well as some relevant knowledge.

Secondly, I have experience with matters related to advertising publicity. In my second year of university, an annual basketball game was held during April. I was the charger of the basketball team and publicity committee of our class, one day I was notified that our basketball team players have always passed the ball on to our opponents by mistake. Through careful observation, I have found out the simple reason was that they were wearing similar shirts to the opponents, which has confused them. Immediately, I thought of an idea to deal with this problem. I tried to get sponsorship from the sports store located on the back gate of our university. During that period, it had rather poor sales. Being explained to repeatedly about what kind of profit and effect could be brought from sponsoring our game, the store manager finally agreed. It turned out the sales dramatically increased by the publicity of the basketball game. Another experience is also necessary to be mentioned. When working as a cell phone card sales agent on campus for China Mobile Corporation, I was frustrated by selling few cards during the first day. Then I realized there were other competitors who have occupied my potential customers, I came up with an idea which was I would provide daily necessities of configuration service when students bought my cards, so that they could save the time. Consequently, I had successfully defeated my opponents and recaptured my sales markets.

While focusing on my academic knowledge, I participated in numerous extracurricular activities in my university. On the one hand, I'm a major in Piano Performance, persistent interest and passion was the key motivation for my adhering to the piano for more than thirteen years since I was seven years old. Besides, I have attended drama acting classes. Instead of working alone, we were always required to discuss topics together and were divided into several groups to finish an assigned short drama in each class. This kind of learning method has taught me how to cooperate with other people and thus to be a qualified team member. On the other hand, I was worked for our School Television during which I have played and organized many stage plays of the Drama Group. In addition, being rewarded by the English Speech Committee and with many piano performances at School Art Troupe on various occasions are impressive and significant memories for me, which largely enriched my four years' university life. In a word, all these precious experiences have enabled me to broaden my circles of friends, and at the same time improve my interpersonal skills.

Apart from taking part in many school extracurricular activities, an internship at CCTV (China Central Television) has benefited me a great deal. Although I have to deal with all kinds of little things, I learnt a lot from every day's work. This meaningful experience has not only enriched my life, but also enhanced my work experience and abilities. Being genuine was the first thing I have learnt when I started this job. The first time I walked in the office and saw many strange faces, instead of being nervous and quiet I said hello to everyone with a genuine smile on my face. In response I received everyone's warm welcome and sincere help. I realized that it was my genuine personality that won over my colleagues' trust so that they were willing to work and share their experience with me. The second key part was to communicate with people. I recognized that it was necessary to communicate with your team leader who can have a good understanding of you in order to improve working skills based on your abilities. For example, my supervisor has instructed me with specific guidance and gave me help according to my interests. At the end, I had a grasp of practical experience which showed the true value of knowledge I have learnt. Finally, being active was the third point I have picked up through this internship. At the beginning, I was not active as the other interns who always asked for jobs instead of waiting for assignments. Afterwards, I sought every chance to assist the supervisor and all the opportunities to gain work experience. It has been proven that during this internship, my colleagues and supervisor were pleased to guide me so that I acquired enormous work experience.

There is another unusual thing has made me mature which had taken place during the time I was working at School Television. It began when Mrs. Li, who was the leader of the broadcasting station, asked us to compose a new song for a special program since only four students were majoring in Music at our TV station. My best friend Alice had luckily become the candidate of this competition and her music had been highly praised by Mrs. Li. However, after listening to its melody several times, I realized that some parts of her music were the same as the opening tune of <Pathetique Sonata> from Beethoven. After confirming with some of my classmates, I was certain that Alice had a suspicion of plagiarism. Under these circumstances, I fell into a dilemma and had to make a choice between hiding the truth for the sake of our friendship and revealing the fact with the risk of putting the relationship into the end. Through long and difficult consideration, I called Alice and told her about the situation. To my surprise, she decided to withdraw from this event at the end. Fortunately for me, Alice understood my concern. From this, I comprehend how difficult it is to make a choice between friendship and morals, and I firmly believe that people have to stand in the middle of the scale rather than leaning towards any side of it.

To reiterate, I am confident that I have full preparation for postgraduate education at your esteemed university and your favorable consideration will be highly appreciated.


  • ~~~
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Dec 21, 2010   #2
Your university is among the most prominent ones in the United States and also enjoys a high reputation overseas.

Always write the name of the university, it will read much better that way.

In terms of my interest in advertising, it has to trackdates back to my second year at universitycollege .

I'm not sure if the college you are applying to is American, but we typically say "my years in college." We use the word "university" more for when we are naming the school.

In the summer holiday of that year, I was helping my aunt to
hand out leaflets to promote her newly opened hair salon.

I have recognized that although there were a large number of leaflets handed out, most people have thrown them away.

Try rewording this sentence to say something like, "I discovered that many of the leaflets I handed out were thrown away."

Because there are several outstanding subjects in advertising at your university, getting admission to your university is my top choice.

I would reword this conclusion. Add the name of the school before the comma, and delete the second part of the sentence. I would say something more like, "I have recognized the school as my top choice."

Thus, I have taken two advertising related subjects as my elective classes in the Communication & Literature College of my university. They were Advertising Psychology and Photographic Art Appreciation.

You could combine these sentences to read, "Thus, I have taken two related subjects, Advertising Psychology and Photographic Art Appreciation, in the Communication and Literature College at my university." Also, don't use the "&" symbol. Always write out "and" in an essay.

LearningTaking these two courses lead to my increasing interest in advertising as well as some relevant knowledge.

I was the chargerin charge of the basketball team and publicity committee of our class.One day I was notified that our basketball team players have always passed the ball on to our opponents by mistake.

Being explained to repeatedly aboutI explained what kind of profit and effect could be brought from sponsoring our game, and the store manager finally agreed. It turned out that the sales dramatically increased by the publicity of the basketball game.

Another experience is also necessary to be mentioned.

You don't need to say this. Instead just open the next sentence with something like "Another valuable experience I have had..."

While focusing on my academic knowledgeacademics , I also participated in numerous extracurricular activities in my university.

On the one hand, I'm a major in Piano Performance. Persistent interest and passion was the key motivation for my adhering tostudying the piano for more than thirteen years since I was seven years old .

You don't have to use the word "studying" but there are better ways to phrase what you are trying to say there.

Besides , I have also attended drama acting classes.

You can say drama or acting, but only choose one because using them both would be redundant.

On the other hand, I was worked for our School Television during which I have played in and organized many stage plays offor the Drama Group.

In addition, being rewardedrecognized by the English Speech Committee and with many piano performances at the School Art Troupe on various occasions are impressive and significant memories for me, which largely enrichedenriching my four years of university life.

In a word , all these precious experiences have enabled me to broaden my circles of friends, and at the same time improve my interpersonal skills.

I would say "in conclusion", becuase saying "In a word" suggests you could describe your experience with only one word.

Although I have to deal with all kinds of little things, I learntlearned a lot from every day's work.

Be sure to mention what kind of things you had to deal with.

Being genuine was the first thing I havelearntlearned when I startedstarting
this job.

The first time I walked in the office and saw many strange faces, instead of being nervous and quiet, I said hello to everyone with a genuine smile on my face.

At the end, I had a grasp of practical experience which showed the true value of the knowledge I have learntlearned .

There is another unusual thing has made me mature which had taken place during the time I was working at School Television.

Reword this sentence to say something like, "Another experience that has made me mature took place during my time working with the School Television."

However, after listening to its melody several times, I realized that some parts of her music were the same as the opening tune of <Pathetique Sonata> from BeethovenBeethoven's "Pathetique Sonata."

...I was certain that Alice had a suspicion of plagiarism.

Say that "I suspected Alice of plagiarism."

Under these circumstances, I fell into a dilemma and had to make a choice between hiding the truth for the sake of our friendship andorrevealing the fact with the risk of putting the relationship into the end.accusing her of plagiarism .

Here, you don't have to mention that accusing her of plagiarism would end your relationship, it is understood.

To reiterate, I am confident that I have full preparation for postgraduate education at your esteemed university and your favorable consideration will be highly appreciated.

I would revise this sentence, the conclusion for your paper should wrap everything up a little better.

Overall, you have done a very good job for having English as your second language. There weren't too many misuses of phrases or terms, and it was all very understandable. However, your writing is a little elementary. I don't know what kind of consideration you will receive from the admissions office being from China, but if you have an English Professor that could review your work, particularly an American (if you are trying to go to an American school) I would see if they would consider reading your essay and giving you a few more tips to make it better. Also, keep in mind that although I speak English, I am not a great editor. There may be more mistakes or better ways to phrase your sentences, so keep asking for advice from other people.

I hope you find my corrections helpful, and I wish you the best of luck in the future!
OP Cynthia 1 / 1  
Dec 21, 2010   #3
Thank u for revising it so soon. and to be honest. I'm considering that the 6th para. lacks some specific examples to illustrate my feelings. maybe it's better to add some details to it. what's your advise?

Since it's so late in China(almost 1:00), I gonna sleep for several hours. ttu 2morrow.``
good night` ^^
sillygoose 2 / 7  
Dec 23, 2010   #4
I am also not a native speaker, so actually I can not help you much on the grammar/ style side. However,IMHO, i have some suggestions for you as follow:

In terms of interest in advertising, it has to track back to my second year at university. In the summer holiday of that year, I was helping my aunt to hand out leaflets to promote her newly opened hair salon.

My interest in advertising dated back to a summer in my second year in college while helping my aunt promote her newly opened hair salon.

Since she urgently needed to get more customers and reduce cost,

This is not very clear as reducing cost may mean many things. I guess what you want to say is just that your aunt didn't want to spend too much money on other means of advertisement. I would write it a lit bit differently:

Understand that for a small new business, it is vital to approach potential customers in the most cost effective way, I took the initiative to hand out the salon's leaflets in different blocks of our city.

Having failed to bear the sweltering weather on that day, I eventually fainted after two hours standing on the street.

when applying to business school, I suppose we should not say anything like we failed, especially just after two hours standing on the street. I think the only circumstance when you can talk about failures, mistakes, is when you offer a very meaningful lesson you've learned from that.

Keeping this in mind, I have decided to study the related subjects of advertising, such as advertising management and operation.

Keeping this in mind, I have taken several courses related to advertising, such as advertising management and operation.

Because there are several outstanding subjects in advertising at your university, getting admission to your university is my top choice.

Having talked to some of [school] alumni/professor/adcom about the many very interesting/inspirational advertising classes of your communication MS(?) program, I concluded that getting admission to your university is my top choice.

In my four year academic career, I have had a wide range of contact with advertising.

During my undergraduate years, I had a lot of exposure in the field of advertisement.

First of all, I believe studying advertising could benefit me in different ways, like gaining media planning, communication and information processing skills. ...

Secondly, I have experience with matters related to advertising publicity. In my second year of university, an annual basketball game was held during April. I was the charger of the basketball team and publicity committee of our class, one day I was notified that our basketball team players have always passed the ball on to our opponents by mistake. .... Consequently, I had successfully defeated my opponents and recaptured my sales markets.

You may want to combine these two paragraphs into one and try to avoid using "first" and "second". About the courses: In my opinion, the reader would not need to be explained more about the courses you took as this is already implied in the courses' names.

Learning these two courses lead to my increasing interest in advertising as well as some relevant knowledge.

These two courses enhanced greatly my interest in the advertising industry.

"some relevant knowledge": you should either say specifically what knowledge, or delete this.


Home / Graduate / Do the experiences written in my personal statement reveal my academic ability?
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳