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"Entering to TUS School, Thailand" - my letter of motivation.


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Hi, guys
I'm some problem in my letter of motivation and want your suggestion to some of my paragraph that look simple and find something more interesting word than the words in bold.

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Entering to TUS School, the best high school in Thailand is my first substantial accomplishment. That was one of the most important moments in my life, once I had made a promise to my family that I would get into this school by myself. This promise put a lot of pressure on me and kept my family a lot of hope. Then after a long period of hard work and great support from my family, I passed the exam and became one of several students in my prestige school.

I took a principal role in developing the 2005 faculty's memorial book project and according to impressive work in 2005's project; I was selected to be chief editor of the 2007 book. This is my second significant accomplishment. I have set a new standard in doing faculty's memorial book and my juniors continued using my standard to create their books.

In SYS, I achieved my third accomplishment - I was responsible for the development of a production planner program which was operating on the old-manual system to a more accurate and a more convenient system. The program created a significantly reduction in time consumed, paper work and a lot of other working processes. This program was very successful and I was promoted to a main production planner for marketing division by my manager.

In the next 10 years, I aim to position myself as CEO of my own trading company, using my knowledge in planning the company's growth in global market. As Thailand is small country, depending on the export sector and having limited of resource and consuming ability, in the future moving to larger market is essential for the developing country.

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Need a lot of help from your guys. Thank you so much in advance. I'm really appreciate your suggestion.

Feb 18, 2011, 12:21pm   #2
In this situation, you need a pair of commas, not just one:

Entering to TUS School, the best high school in Thailand, is...

... on me and kept my family feeling a lot of hope.

...and became one of several the students at my prestigious school.

I took a principal role in developing...Before you write this sentence, start the paragraph with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.


In the next 10 ten years, I aim to position myself as CEO of my own trading company, using my....--Excellent, I know you will succeed! And I think the reader of this essay will appreciate your motivation and seriousness.



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