Hi, Vaishali
I know this question is not addressed to me, but because I took TOEFl exam as well, and is familiar with your writing to some extend, I decided to comment on reported defects:
vaishali1980: your response contains insufficient detail;
Yes, sometimes you include minor ideas, not completely relevant to the topic. Even though plenty of ideas may congest in your mind, you should focus on the two or three most pertinent ones (because of the tome limit).
vaishali1980: your ideas and your connections of ideas are difficult to understand because of many grammatical errors and/or very unclear expressions and sentence structure.
Besides grammar mistakes, I noted that you rarely use transitions to connect your sentences and paragraphs. The main attribute of toefl essay and all academic essays in general is coherence, that is mostly achieved with insertion of transitional words.
vaishali1980: your response is only marginally related to the question that was asked.
To rectify this shortcoming you should ensure that supporting sentences relate to topic sentences and, that each of your topic sentences directly answer the thesis statement. Usually a topic sentence introduces the main idea of the paragraph, that is further to be discussed in the paragraph.
Good luck with your studies! try harder and the fortress of TOEFL will surrender. :)
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