Hi guys,
I am looking for sincere opinions and critics about this draft. Feel free to comment or give me any ideas to make this essay look better! :)
Thank you!
Exploratory Essay
During my High school years, I have learnt concepts and ideas about the sense of style. But i observed something called influence and loss of personality. It was not rare to see almost half of the girls wearing the same brands and pieces of cloths all around the year, even seeing the same brands. I had a close friend which had this particular problem. Her name was Linda, and she was the one that made me realize how society, especially teenagers, is so influenced by brands that transmit a hidden message. I remember seeing her wearing floral pattern of the same colors every single day and wearing Aberbrombie or Holliester jeans. It was common to see the classic, navy blue everywhere. She used to say, " Have you seen that cute hoodie from A&F?" To me, it represented absence of creativity and renovation each season. Were we getting too much influenced by brands?
The problem did not escalate to its maximum point till my senior year where I sophomores and seniors wearing the same cloths. I thought it was being to obsessed with this, but I was not the only one. My marketing teacher, a fabulous and stylish woman, shared the same idea. She also felt that the days of going classy and casual to school were over. People did not want to feel special; they wanted to be one altogether. One day, I sat down with her and talked about ads and fashion campaigns and one that caught my attention was the A&F campaign for summer. The ad was about jeans and two naked people laying on the sand. It takes time and some psychology knowledge to analyze what it meant that. I told her, " It looks sexy.", and she said, "Ale, have you explored and observe closely the picture? I think you did not do that. I can tell you that ad has sexual content. I mean, the girl is laying over the guy with nothing on her chest! What does that tell you?" I stared at her with an empty mind and an empty words to answer her question. Even though it was not prepared for that comment, my mind quickly analyzed everything. It was true, the message was clear. And that ad was not the only ad showing sexual messages or invoking to be sexy. In a society where the concept of being sexy consist of showing more and covering is less, the market for those brands is big. Teenagers are perfect targets because they are easy to invite to feel like this since they are going through changes.
Life has taught us that originality is the best essence, but to me it seems that we like to ignore that fact. Great designer such as Christian Dior or Eliee Saab showed us how important is to be different from the rest. That is why they cause revolutions, their concept of uniqueness get people attention and admiration. Just think about street styles during the fashion week. Photographers like to capture unique styles; styles that are different that show who you really are. I love to see those people that even though they combinations that they created are too crazy for normal people, they manage to pull off something unique and true to them. Tommy Ton, a photographer for Vogue, looks for unusual styles that can open peoples mouth or cause something inside in people. He appreciates that boldness
My friend was clueless about being different, she wanted to be noticed by the others, she thought that if she looked she had more chance to stand out. Psychology shows that pressure by society in teenagers can lead to put yourself in the need of being part of a group. As human that we are, we like to feel noticed or feel considered. She said, "Ale, sometimes when you are trying to be different people leave out of the circle, making you feel bad. People are mean!. I would not like to feel that I am not part of the boom, you know?" To be honest, I did not know what she was saying after five minutes. Why she had that much of frustration? Was it because our modern times are too exigent with us? Does it mean that being different is bad now? Do we need to dress like them? I hated that idea with passion. Like my friend, people love to feel that they are not different to avoid criticism. I would love to help my friend, so she could open her eyes and leave that stupid ideology. I started to feel more sympathy for her than anger. After all, she just wanted to feel equal.
I gave up and started living with the idea that it was hard to change people's mind about being unique with your style. I found out that we are strongly influenced by concepts of being sexy rather than being unique. I still hope that friends like mine learned what it is important for them. There is no need to dress like everybody else, there is no need to look like the rest of the world. It is hard to change one person, imagine millions. The day that young people start to think why do I have to be like him or her, that day things are going to change.
Very interesting topic and you start off well,but I found a few things you might like to consider.
1. Vocabulary,I think you really ought to work on this and making the piece sound more mature.
2. "Even seeing the same brands" is it really necessary to mention this,I think you should cut it out.
3. "I thought it was being to obsessed with this" pleases carefully read this and make the required changes
4. "It takes some time..." Again vocabulary try: it requires fair patience and psychological/intellectual efficiency to decipher its meaning.
5. "An empty words" either change it or remove it.
6.As you go on about the sexual message that you missed in the ad, it begins to sound like an article and not an essay that is meant to reveal the depth of the writer's personality.
And you claim that the ad needed time and brain work to uncover some deeper message, but you never tell us what the message is?
Instead you mention how your teacher found it to be sexual...Anybody can identify that! So explain what hidden message did you find after all investing effort into this ad...if you can talk more of this "hidden message" you might be able to show how you have different veiws to everybody else and your confidence in those views.
7. "This is why they cause revolutions" try: which is the vey reason what they are endlessly on the forefront of audacious revolutions.
This is just a few things to get you started on your editing process. Do work on your vocabulary and the length. It is way too long and colleges only want long essays if they talk of some uber great experience you had when you thought you were close to death or some freaky stuff like that.
Nonetheless, I think you have a good essay coming here. Ask your English teacher to read it,once you have edited.
If you give it enough effort it could easily be one of the outstanding essays that admissions officers read.
Good start though!
Please read mine and speak your heart out when you done!
