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Make a poor thesis and effective thesis (new voting machine)

bezabee98Threads: 4 Posts: 11 Author: beza bee98	Mar 7, 2009, 01:13am #1
Revise the following thesis statement to make it more effective 1. There are some advantages and disadvantages to the nation's new voting machine. Revised : Although many people already now how to use maryland's new voting machine however the older group of people being the major voters only paper applicaton should be used

GautamaThreads: 6 Posts: 140 Author: Tyler	Mar 7, 2009, 01:53am #2
You dont need the extra "however" in the middle of the sentence. I would reverse the order of the elements of the second part of the thesis like this: Although many people already know how to use Maryland's new voting machines, only paper applications should be used because the majority of voters are older people. I don't know exactly if that was the meaning you were trying to get across because the second part of your thesis is confusing. Let me know what you think!

EF_KevinThreads: 33 Posts: 14,204 Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! [Moderator]	Mar 7, 2009, 12:26pm #3
Although many people already now how to use maryland's new voting machine, ~~however~~ the older group of people (being the major voters) may be better served by the paper application. s~~hould be used~~ Yes, Gautama is right. Use either "although" or "however," but not both. Good luck!!!!!

EF_SeanThreads: 6 Posts: 3,676 Author: Sean, EssayForum.com [Moderator]	Mar 7, 2009, 11:27pm #4
Also, your "effective" thesis does not make a great deal of sense at the moment, since there is no obvious reason why older people should find paper ballots easier to use than the new voting machines. You should probably add a list summary of your three main points (or what would be your three main points if you were actually writing the essay) to the end of your current sentence.

bezabee98Threads: 4 Posts: 11 Author: beza bee98	Mar 9, 2009, 03:38pm #5
Thank so much all of you here that was pretty helpful I am glad you point out my mistakes, I wasn't able to see how "However" wasn't needed in the middle or neither did I knew I wasn't supposed to use both "However" and "Although" both in one sentence. Thankyou so much

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