Essay On Life Goals

Hello,

I have to write an essay on my life goals. I'm having trouble with writing a thesis and basically the entire essay. I need 5 paragraphs and so far I only got 3.

Heres what I got so far...

Everyone seems to ask themselves what do they really want from their life? What are we all really striving for? While people should ask themselves what can they do to help others? When a person helps other they meet their physical and emotion need. Helping others also brings compassion and compassion equals a better society.
From a person coming from a rich family they have more opportunities open to them to achieve what they want. While a person from a poor family doesn't have the "easy life" compared to the person from the rich family. A person coming from a poor family has to go through more obstacles, and struggles to achieve what they want. Since my mom is in the health field during my childhood she would tend to take me with her to her work, and random clinches, hospitals, and offices. Even though I didn't really do anything great or big, but it made me want to go into the health field. Being a hospital volunteer really made me feel sympathy for the people who were sick and ill, and that made me want to help others. Every time I do something I get a feeling accomplishment from helping others.
After high school I hope to continue my education hopefully at Yale University.
Yale has always been my dream school since I was a kid. I believe that the environment there will benefit me and help me towards my career goal which would then help me achieve my physical and emotional needs.


Can anyone help me?
Thank,
Elizabeth

Good morning Elizabeth!

Life goals are a very personal topic; it takes a great deal of bravery to put out your dreams to the world! Brava!

I would suggest changing your introduction; starting it with a question is kind of cheesy. How about rewording to read something like, "Selfishness is a large motivator when it comes to personal goals. Instead of wondering what an individual can get out of a situation, they should be wondering how they can help others. I help others by being a hospital volunteer" This makes your introduction bold and clearly states your viewpoint; it is aggressive rather than passive.

If this thesis is to be on your life goals, you should be in the forefront. Instead of meandering through social backgrounds, come at me immediately with your personal story about your mom. That creates impact; this shows me background on why YOU made your first statement. Think of a single story or memory that made the turning point for you. I can tell that your mother plays a large role in your life, and her career choice has made an impact on your life. Goals require confidence; make sure you infuse that into your writing. Show me (your reader), that you have the confidence it takes to be a good healthcare provider. It doesn't matter that you didn't contribute largely to these experience; instead, you were a sponge and let them soak into you, influencing you. That is a vital focal point of your story. This is something that you are passionate about, share that vibrancy and force in this essay.

Firstly, try and get organized. Outlines help me immensely when I am setting out on a project such as this. Start out with your thesis statement, and think of three more life events. How your mom influenced your decision, and perhaps two incredible memories you had during your healthcare experiences. Allow the last paragraph for your conclusion. Once you have those large pillars standing to support your essay, you can begin to recall finer points to fill in the space between those pillars; just like you are building a house.

I appreciate your dedication to your studies and your life goals. I can't wait to see what you come up with next!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Hi Gloria!
Thanks so much your suggestion really helped. I rewrote some of it, and added some stuff in, but I'm having trouble comming up with the 4th paragraph. I also want to make my intro and 2nd paragraph a little longer.

Heres what I got so far

Selfishness is a large motivator when it comes to personal goals. Instead of wondering what an individual can get out of a situation, they should be wondering how they can help others. When a person helps other they meet their physical and emotion need. Helping others also brings compassion and compassion equals a better society. As for myself I would like to become a doctor to make an impact on each individual patient's life.
My mother is in the health field. During my childhood, she would tend to take me with her to her work, and random clinches, hospitals, and offices. Watching my mother and seeing her helping others really influenced me to want to go into the health field like her. Seeing the people who were sick and ill really made me sympathetic. That motivated me to want to help others. Every time I get that change to help others, I get a feeling of accomplishment and gratification from helping others.
When I was younger I remember hearing a story about a Japanese girl named Aya Kito. She was diagnosed with a disease called spinocerebellar ataxia at fifteen years old. The disease is where a person loses control over their body, but they can retain their mental ability. During the time knowing that her disease has no cure she began to write a diary about her life as a teenage girl along with a degenerative disease, and it got published right after she died. In her diary she writes about her feeling and the hardship she endures. In 2005 Aya's diary has been made into a Japanese drama called 1 Litre no Namida. The script is based on the diary Aya kept writing until she could no longer hold a pen. When I watched drama it was really heartbreaking. Hearing bout this during my childhood, and recalling it and contrasting it with my experiences to now really made me want to be a doctor. I want to help people understand why they're in the situation they're in and guide, and supporting them on their path of happiness.

Thank you so much,
Elizabeth

Good morning Elizabeth!

I'm glad my prior suggestions were helpful. Let's take a look at what you have so far.

When a person helps other (change this to "others") they meet their physical and emotion need (change this to "emotional needs") [/font]. Helping others also brings compassion and compassion equals a better society. As for myself I would like (No more passive tone! Change this from "would like" to "want") to become a doctor to make an impact on each individual patient's life.
My mother is in the health field. During my childhood, she would tend to(remove this) take me with her to her work, and random clinches, hospitals, and offices. (change this to "at random clinics, hospitals, and offices.") Watching my mother and seeing her helping (change this to "help") others really influenced me to want to go into the health (change to "healthcare") field like her. Seeing the people who were sick and ill really made me sympathetic. That motivated me to want to help others. Every time I get that change (change this to "chance") to help others, I get a feeling of accomplishment and gratification from helping others (remove these words to eliminate redundancy; you've already stated this at the beginning of the sentence.).
When I was younger I remember hearing a story about a Japanese girl named Aya Kito. She was diagnosed with a disease called spinocerebellar ataxia at fifteen years old. The disease is where a ...(change this to something like "This disease causes an individual to...") person loses control over their body, but they can retain their mental ability. During the time knowing that her disease has no cure she began to write a diary about her life as a teenage girl along with a degenerative disease, and it got published right after she died. (This can be reworded for more impact. How about something like "Aya knew that there was no cure for her disease; while she was ill she began to write a diary about her life as a teenage firl with a degenerative disease. Unfortunity, she did not get to see it published, as that happened after she died." In her diary she writes about her feeling and the hardship she endures. In 2005 Aya's diary has been (change to "was") made into a Japanese drama called 1 Litre no Namida. (Since this is a title, make sure you either italicize or put in quotations, depending on your required style of citation.) The script is based on the diary Aya kept writing until she could no longer hold a pen. When I watched (insert "the") drama it was really heartbreaking. Hearing bout (change to "about") this during my childhood, (remove this unnecessary comma) and recalling it, (go ahead and put that comma here) [/font] and contrasting it with my experiences [font#FF0000]to now really made me want to be a doctor.(This is confusing. How about reworking it so it reads something like, "...really lit a fire in me to become a doctor" or something to that effect). I want to help people understand why they're (try not to use contractions in scholarly or academic writing) in the situation they're in and guide, and supporting them on their path of happiness. (Needs a little punctuation work. How about something such as, "I want ot help people understand why they are in the situation they are in; I want to be a guide, and support them on their way to happiness.")

As far as the length of your introductory statement, I think it is an appropriate length already. It has a good hook and states your thesis. You could add something about how doctors positively impact society.
In the fourth paragraph, perhaps you could write a little bit about the other things that you would do as a doctor to enhance the quality of life. Many doctors take on other responsibilities outside of the practice; many are researchers, helping develop new treatment techniques and medicines; others head up directorships at their hospitals so that they can ensure the highest quality care for their patients. Do a little bit of research on things like this and see what interests you, and then write a paragraph about it. I'm sure you will find something else that peaks your interest!
I like the changes you have made so far; this is turning into an excellent piece of writing.
Keep up the good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Hi Gloria!
I'm so glad you helped me out. Writing is probably the hardest thing for me, but with you you really make it easier. Thank you so much. =]
I wrote the 4th and 5th paragraph. Can you revise it and give me some more feedback?



What is the true goal for each person in life? What are people striving for? Selfishness is a large motivator when it comes to personal goals. Instead of wondering what an individual can get out of a situation, they should be wondering how they can help others. When a person helps others they meet their physical and emotion needs. Helping others also brings compassion and compassion equals a better society. As for myself I want to become a doctor to make an impact on each individual patient's life.
My mother is in the health field. During my childhood, she would take me with her to her work, at random clinches, hospitals, and offices. Watching my mother and seeing her help others really influenced me to want to go into the healthcare field like her. Seeing the people who were sick and ill really made me sympathetic. That motivated me to want to help others. Every time I get that chance to help others, I get a feeling of accomplishment and gratification.
When I was younger I remember hearing a story about a Japanese girl named Aya Kito. She was diagnosed with a disease called spinocerebellar ataxia at fifteen years old. The disease causes an individual to lose control over their body, but they can retain their mental ability. Aya knew that there was no cure for her disease; while she was ill she began to write a diary about her life as a teenage life with a degenerative disease. Unfortunately, she did not get to see it published, as that happened after she died. In her diary she writes about her feeling and the hardship she endures. In 2005 Aya's diary was made into a Japanese drama called 1 Litre no Namida. The script is based on the diary Aya kept writing until she could no longer hold a pen. When I watched the drama it was really heartbreaking. Hearing about this during my childhood and recalling it, and contrasting it with my experiences to now really lit a fire in me to become a doctor. I want to help people understand why they are in; I want to be the guide, and guide, and supporting them on their way of happiness.
Life today is continuing to change with the advancement in technology and medicine. As a doctor I would hope to contribute to the changes by being a researcher. Being a researcher lets me have the change to be able to develop new treatment techniques and medicines to improve the quality of other's lives. By finding and researching new methods to help others, I would realize my goal of helping others.
My goal of becoming a doctor reflects my childhood experiences and personality. When I saw people who needed help as I was little I felt that I had an obligation crerpashity to help. I am a compassionate person with a desire to help others. I hope that by studying hard I will eventually achieve this goal.




Thank you so much!
Elizabeth

Good evening Elizabeth!
I'm so glad I can be of help! Let's take a look at what you've got so far:

Life today is continuing to change with the advancement in technology and medicine. As a doctor I would hope to (Passive! Don't hope--do it! "As a doctor I will..."contribute to the (change to "these") changes by being a researcher. Being a researcher lets me have the change (chance?)to be able to develop new treatment techniques and medicines to improve the quality of other's lives. By finding and researching new methods to help others, I would realize my goal of helping others. (How about choosing another word instead of "others"? Using it so much makes it redundant.)
My goal of becoming a doctor reflects my childhood experiences and personality. When I saw people who needed help as I was little I felt that I had an obligation crerpashity (This made me laugh out loud! Is it late or what? I'm not even really sure I want to guess at it....you tell me! :) )to help. I am a compassionate person with a desire to help others. I hope (Passive! Don't hope--KNOW! "I know that by studying hard I will achieve my goal." that by studying hard I will eventually achieve this goal.

You are doing a fantastic job! Keep it up!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com