Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Essays   % width Posts: 3


Meaingful interest- UM prompt #5


bmore1991 2 / 4  
Nov 1, 2009   #1
I just need help on the grammatical errors and ways to shorten it because it's over the limit.

Describe a significant interest or experience that has special meaning for you.

I glimpsed off into the distance as the world around me seemed to have stopped. What seemed to be a wall appears as I outstretch my nearly exhausted legs. As I approach this unyielding wall, it occurs to me that every step taken in this race was for a reason- to win. All my energy became focused on dismantling this obstacle. So I leaned forward and,"Ouch!" I collided into this wall. I pushed my body to its limits and finally through this wall to win my first indoor track meet.

Track has become a rewarding experience but also full of battles for as long as I've known the sport. Seemingly impermeable walls have also become part of my life. Overcoming them has taught me that these mental barriers can only be overcome by the firm and supportive foundation one's life is based upon. The obstacles that have occurred in my life have allowed me to have a strong hold during a very active and strenuous upbringing.

As a child, I was forced to deal with the constant thought of moving. That was the general formality of a military brat. By the age of twelve, I had already moved about five times and it wasn't getting any easier. The instability of my life gave me an unsure insight towards the path of which to take. Upon entering the seventh grade I yearned to be accepted into a group of some sort. This led me to meet with the girls track coach.

This coach taught me that track was a union of different people who came together for one cause, to learn unity and improve their character. Track was a grounded activity that I used as a driving force to success. Even though I continued to move a few more times before my senior year in high school, it was always guaranteed that track would be there. These experiences have developed me into an optimistic and determined person.

I believe that with my determination I will be able to accomplish my goal of entering college and with my sense of consideration I will help those, who like me, are used to a world of mobility.
byflash 2 / 11  
Nov 1, 2009   #2
Wow. Great essay. Loved the story.
I would onlyy consider changing this: unsure insight , since insight implies a deeping understanding or some form of revelation.
In my mind, attaching unsure before it invalidates both words
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 3, 2009   #3
This is an idea I had:

Off in the distance, the world around me seemed to have stopped. What seemed to be...

Good, I think you could talk a little more about how that same determination can be used to become an expert in your chosen field. Running is meditative. It will be better if you give more details; what events have you run? What is the relationship of this aspect of your personality to the aspect that wants to pursue your chosen field?


Home / Essays / Meaingful interest- UM prompt #5
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳