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Lincoln Paper - Introductory Paragraph


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Here is my introductory paragraph for a paper I'm working on about Abraham Lincoln:

"Throughout the history of the United States of America, many great men have directed her towards success. The nation has been graced with many of the greatest minds in history, including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Madison. While these founding fathers were challenged with the task of establishing a country, another man would be challenged to preserve it. Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president, ascended to office during a time of uproar, turmoil, and disorder. With the secession of many southern states, the duty to preserve the Union befell unto Lincoln. During Lincoln's presidency he would find himself engaged in a Civil War, fighting a battle over the emancipation of southern slaves. His leadership and skills as president, along with his congenial personality, have found him an everlasting home among some of America's greatest minds."

I would really appreciate your comments and suggestions! Thank you!
Jan 3, 2009, 07:30pm   #2
"Throughout the history of the United States of America, many great men have directed her towards success. The nation has been graced with many of the greatest minds in history, including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Madison. While these founding fathers were challenged with the task of establishing a country, another man would be challenged to preserve it. Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president, ascended to office during a time of uproar, turmoil, and disorder. With the secession of many southern states, the duty to preserve the Union befell unto Lincoln. During Lincoln's presidency he would find himself engaged in a Civil War and fighting a battle over the emancipation of southern slaves. His leadership and skills as president, along with his congenial personality, have found him an everlasting home among some of America's greatest minds."

I italicized the sentence above because I think a colon would work better but I am not sure to put after or before "including". My tendency would be to put it after but I am not sure.

Besides that I didn't find anything else wrong with your intro. Nice intro btw!
Wow, thanks you guys! I honestly didn't think that this was a very good intro, and I thought that there would be many more suggestions. Seeing far fewer than I expected, along with your positive comments, make me feel much more confident now about this intro, and about my writing as a whole!

Thanks again! I really appreciate it!
Jan 3, 2009, 09:58pm   #5
This is a very strong intro, actually. A few minor things:

"the duty to preserve the Union fell to Lincoln"

"he would find himself engaged in a civil war" or "he would find himself engaged in the Civil War"

"His leadership and skills as president, along with his congenial personality, have found him an everlasting home among some of America's greatest minds." I'm not a big fan of this sentence. The list that begins it should be parallel, while the last half is awkward. I'd revise it.
Jan 13, 2009, 09:43am   #7
Hi, the best advice i can give you is to focus on using more active words instead of has, had, were etc. those are considerd lazy words.- Also you should go back and highlight all the "the's" and "is" and try to replace them with more active adjectives, or not use them at all it will make your intro stronger. I know it can be difficult to write about the past with out these certain words, but you should try. College Addimissions like that =)

"Throughout the history of the United States of America, many great men have directed her towards success. The nation has been graced with many of the greatest minds in history, including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Madison. While these founding fathers were challenged with the task of establishing a country, another man would be challenged to preserve it. Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president, ascended to office during a time of uproar, turmoil, and disorder. With the secession of many southern states, the duty to preserve the Union befell unto Lincoln. During Lincoln's presidency he would find himself engaged in a Civil War, fighting a battle over the emancipation of southern slaves. His(vague) leadership and skills as president, along with
his congenial personality, have found
him an everlasting home among some of America's greatest minds."

good luck


---Sorry i thought this was a college essay, but still consider the changes. This is how college professors like their papers ( I have a tutor that goes to Rice Uni.)
Jan 17, 2009, 04:13am   #9
Good advice about the "have's" and "has's." However, don't forget that "have" is a vital part of the perfect tenses, which are difficult to avoid when describing historical events and people.



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