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Hearts of my peers and teachers- greatest contribution to your school/community


answers: 4
What do you consider to be your greatest contribution to your school or community?

My greatest contribution to my school and community cannot be touched or seen, but can be felt in the hearts of my peers and teachers. My optimism inside and outside of the classroom has enabled me to pursue my goals relentlessly and has encouraged others to pursue their dreams as well.
As an optimistic person, I realize that while my mistakes are short-lived, the lessons that I can learn from them are endless. This optimism also empowers me to use my mistakes as learning tools to build who I am rather than to define what I am incapable of achieving. Optimism also allows me to shape my future and to realize that the one aspect I can control about my future is my positive outlook towards it.

Over the last several years, I have been deeply involved and concerned with local, national, and global issues such as animal abuse, cancer research, and genocide. My involvement with a local animal shelter allowed me to witness miracles and the infinite possibilities of the world firsthand. Many animals came in every day, each with their own story, abused or abandoned. There have been times when I was disturbed by the malice of humans in taking advantage of those who cannot speak for themselves. However, there have also been times when previously abused dogs were put in loving homes. My experiences at the animal shelter have showed me that there are many possible positive outcomes in the world, and that we must believe and strive for them. On the national level, the American Cancer Society has also fostered my optimism. Because I was unable to meet my grandfather who died of cancer, I developed an interest in fundraising for cancer research so that someone else's grandparents can be saved. On the global level, I have been involved with the Project Darfur benefit concerts that my school sponsors. Although our concerts do not stop the genocide, the opportunity to raise awareness and funds for the Sudanese refugees helps to promote universal concern for the welfare of mankind.

Optimism has also shaped my experiences as a student. As a freshman, I started with average level classes but believed that I was capable of more. Many classmates and teachers often doubted my ability, but that doubt only fueled my desire to succeed and seize new opportunities rather than to shy away from them. As a senior, I am now more confident because I have been able to succeed in AP classes and emerge as a leader among my peers. With optimism and confidence in myself, I have progressed, and I am now an accomplished student.

Being an accomplished student and citizen has also influenced my optimistic outlook on life experiences. During law camp in Washington D.C. last summer, I was overjoyed to be meeting new people and to be learning imperative legal skills. However, three days before our mock trial at the Washington D.C. Superior Court, three of my teammates left the program, and my team was left two defense attorneys and a prosecutor short. I evaluated the situation clearly, and I was able to realize that with a few teammates gone, our team would gain the advantage of assuming more roles and examining different legal perspectives. On the day of our mock trials, we were able to successfully assume multiple roles and win all three of our cases!

My optimism has fueled my confidence, my will to learn from my mistakes, and my desire to take advantage of challenges and opportunities. My optimism has been present in all of my endeavors and has often been valued and acknowledged by my peers and teachers alike. I hope that by contributing optimism in all my endeavors, I have influenced my community and school to be optimistic in theirs.

I realize that it's super long, but if you edit it, i'll thoroughly edit yours x2 or x3. PROMISE :)

Thanks in advance!

Optimism is a great theme!

It's better to put those first 2 paragraphs together as one. Continue that theme of optimism in a well-developed intro paragraph.
move this comma:
As an optimistic person I realize that, while my mistakes are short-lived, the lessons that I can learn from them are endless.
And you should not end the paragraph with an "also" sentence. It should end with a reflective sentence that say something about the main idea of th paragraph.

Sometimes it is good to use the word enabled instead of "allowed."

Many classmates and teachers often doubted my ability, but that doubt only fueled my desire to succeed and seize new opportunities rather than to shy away from them.---- good sentence!

Along with optimism, you seem to have resilience and enthusiasm.
Thanks Kevin.
I had a quick question, after combining "My greatest contribution...outlook towards it." Wouldn't that constitute as an intro first paragraph? Or do I need to include more?

Also*
move this comma:
As an optimistic person I realize that, while my mistakes are short-lived, the lessons that I can learn from them are endless.

Where should I move/remove the commas?
Yes, combine them and you have a solid intro. I would change this last sentence, though:
Optimism also enables me to shape my future; one aspect of life that I can control is my positive outlook towards it, and this has helped me in my academic, social, and personal life.

or something like that!

:-)

About the comma: I already moved it for you! Compare my sentence to yours and you'll see. Sorry I was unclear.



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