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Bullying - argumentative essay introduction and conclusion revision


answers: 4
Apr 20, 2011, 05:43pm   #
I have to write an argumentative essay about a big idea. My paper is on how parents can help to stop and prevent bullying. My big idea that I am completing is a blog that offers a lot of information along with links to resources. I have my final due in two weeks but this week we have to revise our opening and closing statements and I do not know where to strap and could really use some help.

Introduction:

"The saying, if sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me was ever true, it sure isn't true today" (Gaul, 2010). Bullying in and out of schools is getting out of control. Statistics have shown that one third of teens are bullied at school and 4 percent also report that they were also victims of cyber bullying (Bullying Statistics, 2009). Parents really need to take a stand against bullying to help prevent it and to stop it. We as parents need to be a part of the solution, not the problem.

Conclusion:


No matter what end of the bullying your child is on, you need to make sure that you are doing your part to prevent and stop this. Bullying is a serious matter, weather we like it or not. If you do not think that you can handle the situation on your own, there is no harm in asking for help. You can find help in a variety of places, even with in your own family.

Apr 20, 2011, 07:08pm   #
To start with, I love the opening because i really believe that saying is out dated and done for. And the topic itself is a great topic to discuss and really get into and it allows you to use own observations of what you have seen or realized.


No matter what end of the bullying your child is on, you need to make sure that you are doing your part to prevent and stop this. Bullying is a serious matter, weather we like it or not. If you do not think that you can handle the situation on your own, there is no harm in asking for help. You can find help in a variety of places, even with in your own family.


This is a great paragraph, but i feel like its too "closed". You are calling for arms in this paragraph, but its not strong enough. I feel like if you put a reason or a result of parents being involved more with thier children, it would be more compelling. For example, saying parents should get more involved in their childrens lives so they can influence the character of their children.
Apr 20, 2011, 07:41pm   #
Thank you for your input. I have came up with this as my conclusion...still not to sure if it is still good enough to close with though:
All in all, Bullying is a serious matter, whether we like it or not. Parents need to come to the realization that bullying is probably in there child's life, whether it be as a victim, a bully or a bystander. If the statistics were not enough for you, just ask your child about bullying and what they know. Your child's answers will more then likely terrify you.
Great ideas, here! And you know, cyberbullying is completely different from ordinary bullying. Someone can humiliate you with a message to 300 facebook friends, for example!

Hey, the word weather refers to rain and snow, etc. Use this word: whether.

BTW, your theme reminds me of the word PROACTIVE. I think it might be good to use that word and tell parents that the good strategy is to be proactive about protecting bullies and their victims before problems get out of hand.

:-)
Apr 24, 2011, 04:31pm   #
Yes, I had fixed it in my second rewrite, caught it right after I posted it. Yes, I know the difference in bullying, I am 30 and have children of my own, if I didn't know that id probably be in trouble.



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