Appeal a letter of denial for admissions (The University of South Florida)

Dear Faculty Committee:

My name is Jane Doe and I am a current high school senior in search of the perfect college. I am writing this letter of appeal to have my admissions application reconsidered so I can hopefully be a new student at your school for the next 2010 fall semester.

I fully understand that only a small percentage of appeals are made and I have taken the advice of enrolling in other colleges and universities. The University of South Florida was always at the top of my list of my potential schools and I was devastated when I found out that I was denied. I realize that USF has one of the best medical programs in Florida and the top medical professors and it would be more than just an honor for me to be taught under those conditions since I plan to be a surgeon.

In the beginning of my high school years I was started off with low grades and procrastination and have learned from my mistakes. I just thought that high school was all about hanging around and doing whatever just because I was a jock. I was a freshman on the varsity softball team and I was a starting player, therefore I received a lot of praise and compliments, which made me very conceded. At the end of my sophomore year, I noticed my low grade point average and the apathy I had towards everything that was school related.

I dedicated the rest of my junior and senior year to participating in extracurricular and volunteer activities. I became the captain of the junior varsity softball team and was awarded with the Challenger's Award for pitching an undefeated season. I am in the Teen Trendsetters Mentoring Program, which is an extraordinary program that is completely dedicated in to teaching children, the importance of reading. I am very dedicated to that program and have never missed a mentoring session since it has started and my mentee has progressed with her grades and she now has a strong will to read. I am an active member in many school clubs such as FBLA, S.A.D.D. and Ecology. This year I have increased my grade point average to a 3.2 and have received straight A's with on B for the past two grading periods. My community service hours are up to date as well as all my credits. I now have full intentions of graduating high school, attending the best university and achieving my goal of becoming a surgeon.

With all respect, I would like to ask you to reconsider my application. I have attached a copy of my transcripts with my updated grade point average and my letter of recommendation.

I think this seems wrong, because if you are still looking for the perfect college you aren't necessarily serious about this college.

Here is another compound sentence, so it needs a comma:
I fully understand that only a small percentage of appeals are made, and I have...

and another one:
The University of South Florida was always at the top of my list of my potential schools, and I was--- whenever you put 2 sentences together as one long sentence, use a comma before the conjunction.

You say a lot before you really say anything. I think it would be a good idea to use this as the attention grabbing first sentence:

In the beginning of m My high school years I was started off with low grades and procrastination, and I have learned from my mistakes. (now continue the intro paragraph by telling them about your purpose for writing. End the paragraph with an assertion about how focused you are because of your recent experience of inspiration. Tell them you now have what you did not have during the first half of high school.

:-)

EF_Kevin

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the help Kevin.