TOEFL: Subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's.

Topic:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education.
Writing:
In all over the world some people think subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education, while some think they should not. Although both groups think they are right? and they also have their own reasons for their believes, I think subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education. The following article is going to discuss this topic.
First of all, It is better for children to put some subjects like art, music, and drama in their education, because people should become familiar with these subject during school days. The advantage of adding these subjects is that people become much more familiar with these issues and they can continue one of these subjects if they think they are interested in it. In contrast, if these subjects were not in education systems, they would not have any opportunity to know about art, music, and so on.
The second reason might be the ability of children in learning these subjects. The science has proved that learning ability in early ages is really better in comparison with others. How hard it will be if someone wants to learn a new language in forty. Putting these subjects in educational systems not only has a significant effect on children but also allow people not to be one dimensional person. Being an one dimensional person might causes many problems, for example, if people just learn who to research in the university, they cannot have good relationship with others and they also can be fooled by evil guys.
To sum up, and as I mentioned above, adding these subjects to educational system has some advantages like opportunity for pursuing these subjects, becoming familiar with these subjects, ability of learning in earlier ages, and etc. Thus, I believe these subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education.

Hellow, here are some of my suggestions(grammer mistakes are omitted, I think you of course are able to correct them):

1. I don't know whether it is appropriate or not, but generally the students I know who performed well in TOEFL do not write their essays in the fist person style;I mean, they do not use 'I', just 'it is'.

2. I see few paraphrase in your essay, especially 'art, music, and drama'. The three appear many times so I think you can use others to replace them, say 'subjects related to art' and so on.

3. The third paragraph is beautiful, but the second one is really not good. First of all I only see your own statement but you don't add some convincing materials? You can offer us some example of the childhood of some celebrities. Besides, don't you think your last sentence in this paragraph is too absolute?

4. I think you can use more advanced vocabulary.

Hope it can help you.
Harmon

n all over the world some people think subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education, while some think they should not. Although both groups think they are right? and because they also have their own reasons for their believes belief, I think subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education for several reasons which will be discussed in this essay. The following article is going to discuss this topic.

First of all, It is better for children to put some subjects like art, music, and drama in their education, because people should become familiar with these subjects during school days. The advantage of adding these subjects is that people become much more familiar with these issues and they can continue one of these subjects if they think they are interested in it. In contrast, if these subjects were not in education systems, they would not have any opportunity to know about art, music, and so on.

the topic sentences this essay it is not really good
good luck

In All over the world some, people think differently about school curriculum. Some people think subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education, while other people think they should not.

That is my suggestion for a better first sentence. Great progress in this thread...

In your essay, Although both groups think they are right? There should not be question mark. They both are right and have their own reasons.
Your essay is short for Toefl exam.
Good luck.