TOEFL: doing a part time job?(agree or disagree)

hi, this is my forth essay. i am not sure whether i have made some improvement. please help me . i will try more ! thank you a lot!!

Taking a part time job, which particularly among college students, is consistently being against by a large proportion of parents and professors since it is a distraction from study and a waste of time. However, they fail to take into account the facts that taking a part time job is a method to accumulate experience and expand social contact. As a result, I agree on taking part time job. Obtaining experience, arranging the personal schedule and earning money can support my idea.

Chiefly, gaining experience from society is a crucial reason. As a surging number of students graduate from college, the competition is becoming far more intense. If a graduate want to seize job opportunities and survive in the society, not only knowledge , but experience play s an irreplaceable role in job applications. According to a survey conducted by Tsinghua University, 75.62% of the freshmen in the firms that are top 50 in China are people who have working experience. Moreover, 40.2%of them have worked in a variety of companies when they are college students. So undoubtedly, part time jobs provides us with experience and enables us to apply what we learn into practice.

The other reason is that we can learn how to arrange schedules. Admittedly, part time job takes up our spare time. However, when we are working, never can we give up studying. So balancing the time between study and work is an essential ability, and it is part time jobs that provide us the chance to learn set aside a certain time for study and work. Take my brother as an example, as a manager in an international company in China, my brother has worked for 7 years, including 2- year part time job experience. When he was a college student, he took up a part time job as a waiter in order to know more about the service career. However, he never failed an exam as he knew how to arrange time properly. Thus, it is not hard to realize what we have learned from part time job is useful, that is for sure.

Certainly doing a part time takes up a lot of our study time, however, compared with getting experience and knowing about society, doing a part time has more benefits.

In summary, it is impossible to neglect the crucial effect that taking a part time job has on our future career. I agree with taking a part time job mainly because we can obtaining experience, learn to arrange time and earn extra money.

The grammar here needs a lot of work. Two tips to get you started on your revisions:

1. Watch subject-verb agreement. This is actually fairly easy to do with a bit of practice. So, for instance:

"If a graduate wants to seize job opportunities and survive in the society"

2. Check your prepositions. This is quite difficult to master, even with a lot of practice. Reading a lot will help a bit, here. In any event, here's an example of a preposition problem:

"As a result, I agree with taking a part time job."

EF_Sean
thank you! i will rewrite it again. what do you think of my influency and comprehension?
rae they ok?

hi, this is my fourth essay. :-)


Working part-time takes up a lot of our study time; however, in the sense that we are getting experience and knowing about society, doing a part time has more benefits.

Oh... the word is "fluency." You are doing an excellent job. I respect all bilingual people, and I hope I can learn another language someday as well as you learned English.

If a graduate wants to seize job opportunities and survive in the society, knowledge and experience play an irreplaceable role in job applications.

Keep working, keep reading! And remember, you have a special contribution to make because of being bilingual.

EF_Kevin
thank you ! i will try more, and i have have leave a new thread that i have rewrited (it was the first essay that i used to put), i hope i have made some progress!
thanks again!! :-)