The idea of the essay is quite good, and it quite strong, but a way to make it stronger is to put forward that doesn't support your side of the argument, and then give a counter argument why this is false or why, this isn't valid or say that there are more negatives than positive. I know you already talked about ther other side of the argument but you can go further a give a counter argument.
For example you can say: Some people say, you can make some money, but would you rather have them gain some money instead of staying focused in class (or like having time to study or whatever other thing you can say)?
I hope you understand what I mean.
There were a few grammatical errors in your essay also:
Saying 'First and foremost reason' doesn't make sense - you should say, 'my first reason' or 'first and foremost teenagers should be denied ...(then state your reason).
A job at a small age wil.. (you omitted the word A - proofreading would normally prevent mistake like these though.
You did this a couple of times (also with words like 'the')
In a few places you left out commas ( it helps reading out the essay, where it feels that you take a short pause, there probably should be a comma there.
Generally good though.
JUST MY OPINION
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