Should teenagers have paid jobs while they are students?

Jobs for teenagers...

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Jobs for teenagers is /are one of the most discussed topics in our society. s/Some agree that teenagers should work, earn their own money and do study while others think that they should not work rather they they should only concentrate in thier studies. But I highly apperciate /appreciate the point that teenagers should work and earn their own expence/expense.

Teenage is a phase of life when most of us are not fully matured and responsible. When a teenager get into a job he learns the basic traits of life and is forced to become responsible.When a teenager sponser/sponsor himself for his own studies he knows the value of money and become more
foccused/focused towards his studies.He manages his time very effectively for job as well as studies.He gets his own identity and is no more dependent on his parents instead he can share some responsibilities of his parents. Above all he is so much engaged in this life that he spends his time very calculatively and constructively.

Where as other aspect of working teenager which our society fears that they will be distracted by money and will loose focuss/focus in their studies.They will be tempted to spend money in many other acitivities which is not accepted by our society and some also fears that their performance in studies will degrade if they work. But all these are only the fear of our mind. If we guide our teenagers in every step of their life , motivate them and make them understand clearly every aspect of life, then I think our teenagers will make us proud in /of all their endeaveours

Therefore, I strongly vote that all teenager should work and make their individual identity very early in life and make their parents feel proud for/of them.

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you should check all spelling and grammar errors before posting. Your essay has many persuative supporting points. You can add more examples to prove it more strongly.
Good luck!

Janhavi
Jobs for teenagers is (--> are) one of the most discussed topic in our society.some agree that teenagers should work, earn their own money and do study while others think that they should not work rather they they should only concentrate in thier studies.(--> that they should only concentrare in their study rather than working) But I highly apperciate the point that teenagers should work and earn their own expence.

Teenage is a phase of life when most of us are not fully matured (--> mature) and responsible. When a teenager get into a job he learns the basic traits of life and is forced to become responsible.When a teenager sponsers (what does 'sponser' mean?) himself for his own studies he knows the value of money and become more foccused towards his studies. He manages his time very effectively for job as well as studies. He gets his own identity and is no more (-->less) dependent on his parents instead he can share some responsibilities of (-->with) his parents.Above all he is so much engaged in this life that he spends his time very calculatively and constructively.

Where as other aspect of working teenager which our society fears that they will be distracted by money and will loose focuss in their studies.They will be tempted to spend money in many other acitivities which is not accepted by our society and some also fears that their performance in studies will degrade if they work. But all these are only the fear of our(---> their) mind. If we guide our (omit "our) teenagers in every step of their life , motivate them and make them understand clearly every aspect of life , then I think our teenagers will make us proud in all their endeaveours

Therefore, I strongly vote (--> assure) that all teenager should work and make their individual identity very( omit 'very') early in life and make their parents feel (omit "feel) proud for them.

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hope it helps

Hi,
Thank you so much.This is my first TOEFL essay,can you please suggest how to add examples.

I think ur third paragraph should be rewrited
Idea:
_working part-time helps teenagers earn some valuable experiences (they have chances to communicate with lots of people and become familiar with the outside world working).

I think your essay is too simple
you should choose more complex and valuable words, and, as you say, add more examples