Non-academic subjects should be removed from school. Agree or not?

hello everybody, i am preparing for ielts. however, my writing skill is very bad, could u help me check my essay and point out my mistakes. thanks so much for your help.

With the pressures on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school such as physical education, cookery should be removed from syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern ...

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The essay is a good attempt. The introduction is very good but the body of the essay lacks points that can sway the reader to agree with your views. You need to develop more points. I will attempt your essay and then you and others can read through give your opinion and see areas which you can improve. However you are doing well, with more practice you sure will get an excellent score. cheers

hi west, thanks for your comments
however, i do not like it very much. because it is too general, you did not point out my mistakes, which i need from other comments
anyway, thanks so muh

With the pressures on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school such as physical education, cookery should be removed from syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?--CHECK OUT MY OWN RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is intense ...

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thanks west,
i really like the second reason:Alot of people have built successful careers out of these fields.
but the first is wrong.the examiner state that physical education is a non-academic subject.
the third reason seen not to relate the topic.
i know that u also disagree with this issue like me. to solve, we have to point out benefit from studying non-academic subjects.


There is intense pressures on the youth of today with regards to succeeding academically. Your status in many societies is rated by the amount of university qualifications you possess. This view has lead some people to believe that non academic subjects in schools should be removed from the syllabus so that young people can give all their attention to academic subjects. This essay discusses my views on the above subject matter which clearly disagree with this line of reasoning.( this sentence is a bit confusing. whether essay can discuss?)

First and foremost, it is wrong for people to beleive physical education or cookery is a non-academic subject. The amountnumber of researchs( i think research is countable noun) and study invested in physical health education around the world is numerous. To mention a few the, The Australian Institute sports does a lot of world class research yearly which as helped in producing world class athletes. Cookery is a valid subject under the food and nutrition field. There importance in rehabilitation of the sick and elderly by suggesting appopriate dieatry measures is well known in the field of research. An example is parenteral nutrition, which as helped the recovery of patients who had surgeries on their throat or gastrointestinal tract.

Alot of people have built successfully careers out of these fields. Today we all know that the average sports a man earns much higher than most other professionals (are u sure, i agree that some sport professionals can ear much more money than professionals in other fields but not on average). We can confidently say the same thing about most chefs around the world. They are more than able to provide for themselves and their families yet with a great sense of fufilment. They are treated better and more respected by the media and the public compared to other professionals.

as i say, this paragraph is not related to the topic These fields also provide enormous income for countries around the world. The revenue that the English premier league generates yearly is more than 400miliion pounds. All this money is coming from dedicated sports men who went through different academies set up by England or other countries. Imagine if sports had been scrapped in their schools, imagine how much money they would have lost and how many people it would have left unemployed.

I think that every field of study is unique and important in its own right and they should all be allowed to form part of the curriculum of schools.

In modern society, most people consider that success in the academy is one of the biggest preparations for the future; therefore, some people think that some non-academic subjects such as art, physical education or cookery should be moved out of curriculum at school. Personally, I disagree with this opinion for several reasons which will be analyzed in this essay.

First of all, learning non-academic subjects brings many benefits for students. Children cannot learn well as well as concentrate on their class if they are not healthy. When they attend physical education class, they can improve their physical and metal (mental) which help them study effectively. Moreover, when they join other non-academic courses such as cookery, they can have time for relaxation and reduce stress, fatigue from studying hard classes like math, chemistry and so on.

Furthermore, some times attending non-academic classes can lead to a successful career. Take my closed (close)friend for an example. When we were students at high school, my close (closed) friend called Tommy was not good at science subjects such as math,(and) physics; thus, he hated them. When he attended physical education courses, he found that he had talents at swimming, and then he decided to take other swimming training courses at (the) local sport center in order to develop his abilities as well as a career in sports. Now,(However) he has succeeded in his career, and he has gained three gold metals in 5 swimming national competitions he took apart. Many thanks to physical education course which helped him make a conscious decision about career.

In conclusion, I definitely believe that both academic and non-academic subjects should be well come (offered) in all schools. Children can acquire many advantages for learning non-academic subjects: getting healthier and some times making a good decision for career.

Do not frame explicitly in your essay anything about your essay. There's a ton of errors, more or less to be expected.

This can be argued both ways, so many different ways. For the purpose offered, each side is equal.

Reason your way through it. Where you're lacking in acuity, eloquence will suffice.

thanks so muhc Mustafa1991
as you see, my E is not good, so i cannot point out my own mistakes as well as correct them. could u give me some more detail suggestions
thanks so much again

Please can i have a moderator's comment on my essay. Thanks.

In modern society, most people consider that success in the academy to be one of the best ways to prepare for the future; therefore, some people think ...


...improve their physical and mental health, which help them study effectively.

Furthermore, sometimes attending non-academic classes can lead to a successful career. Take my closed close friend for an example; when we were students at high school, my close (closed) friend, Tommy, was not good at science subjects such as math,(and) physics. Thus, he hated them.

In conclusion, I definitely believe that both academic and non-academic subjects should be welcome in schools.

No, this is better! You are right: ...should be offered in all schools.

You do make mistakes, but any reader can understand your meaning. Congratulations for being bilingual! All bilingual people are geniuses, I think.

Kelvin that is not my essay, the essay you reviewed is for thinhtvhtm i will re post my essay. THIS IS MY ESSAY, PLEASE CAN REVIEW IT --THANKS


There is intense ...

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this essay is great and once you correct the grammatical errors, you should be fine. look forward to reading the finished product!

Thanks did not have a good read before submission, here is the corrected version

There are intense pressures on the youth of today with regards to succeeding academically. Your status in many societies is rated by the amount of university qualifications you possess. This view has lead some people to believe that non academic subjects in schools should be removed from the syllabus so that young people can give all their attention to academic subjects.

First and foremost, it is wrong for people to believe physical education or cookery is a non-academic subject. The number of research and study invested in physical health education around the world is enormous. To mention a few, The Australian Institute of sports does a lot of world class research yearly which as helped in producing world class athletes. Cookery is a valid subject under the food and nutrition field. It's importance in rehabilitation of the sick and elderly by suggesting appopriate dieatry measures is well known in the field of nutrition. An example is parenteral nutrition, which as helped the recovery of patients who had surgeries on their throat or gastrointestinal tract.

A lot of people have built successfully careers out of these fields. Today we all know that the average sports man/woman earns much higher than most other professionals . We can confidently say the same thing about most chefs around the world. They are more than able to provide for themselves and their families yet with a great sense of fufilment. They are treated better and more respected by the media and the public compared to other professionals.

These fields also provide enormous income for countries around the world. The revenue that the English premier league generates yearly is more than 400miliion pounds. All this money is coming from dedicated sports men who went through different academies set up by England or other countries. Imagine if sports had been scrapped in their schools, imagine how much money they would have lost and how many people it would have left unemployed.

I think that every field of study is unique and important in its own right and they should all be allowed to form part of school's curriculum.

It is very hard to find an error...

I think that every field of study is unique and important in its own right and that they should all be allowed to form part of school's curriculum.

I agree with your argument.

You can make this a better composition if you list the points you are going to make. List them in the first paragraph... list the non-academic subjects that you are talking about. Add a sentence or two to that intro paragraph...sentences that tell specifically what your argument is about.

Thanks Kelvin but am i allowed to construct my senetences like this, "this essay intends to discuss why it is important to allow students offer non- academic subjects...". I have heard things like do not refer to your essay in your essay. What is your take on that.

Well, the essay does not intend anything. I like to write:
This essay is intended to explain discuss why it is important to allow...

I think that sounds forthright and powerful. However, some say you should not refer to the essay in the essay. At a certain point, it becomes a matter of opinion, doesn't it?

If you want to avoid referring to the essay, just give that thesis sentence as the last sentence of the first paragraph, and its placement there will establish it as the thesis:
It is important to allow...