Hard work and dedication for my future

Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment has affected or influenced your plans for the future.


Hard work and dedication is the key to success. Throughout my entire junior high school experience, administrators kept stressing, "From whom much is given, much is required." This quote carried on with me all through high school and gave me much inspiration. Like any other human experience, there are roadblocks that put me at a low state, but I've learned to surpass them and keep it moving.

Not many 18 year olds can say that they know exactly what they want to do for living and that is what sets me apart from others who are my age. I don't linger around. Last year, I took the opportunity as an exchange student to finish my final year of high school in USA. To my surprise, I contemplate learning from my host mom and other students who often sacrificed their precious time to help the disabled. Being a volunteer to help the disabled became one of my commitments. A year later, I came back into Beijing and took several months before applying for Undergraduate Studies in USA to work for a local NGO for the disabled as I did in America. As a matter of fact, There are 60 million persons with disabilities in China, among whom 20.57 million are persons with hearing disabilities, 11.82 million are persons with mental disabilities, 8.77 million are persons with physical disabilities, 8.77 million are persons with visual disabilities, 2.25 million are persons with mental illness and 7.82 million are persons with multi-disabilities. They need help and support. However, being lack of causes for disabled people and appropriate facilities is a challenge for Chinese organizations. In addition, it is another fact that not everyone is interested in helping disabled people.

Therefore, my ultimate goal in life is to improve the lives of people worldwide. To be more specifically, 1) Giving disabled people the passion to fight for their lives and lead a full life by sports has a very long way to go and complete; 2) Impart the developed experiences and knowledge on disabled people learnt in UK into further development for Chinese disabled people.

Hard work and dedication are...

"From those to whom much is given, much is required."

Not many eighteen year-olds can say that they know exactly what they want to do for living, and that is what sets me apart from others who are my age. (Right here, give a sentence that names the career you want)

Therefore, my ultimate goal in life is to improve the lives of people worldwide. To be more specific, I am interested in, 1) Giving disabled people the passion to fight for their lives and lead a full life by sports has a very long way to go and complete; 2) Imparting the...

Keep them consistent: giving and imparting.

How about if you add one sentence to the end. Something very colorful and interesting that will stay in the reader's mind.

thank you very much ,this is my first time to submit my essay there

This is my second time to write an essay and there I need your truly help to proofread my essay and give me your most criticism on it so that I will be receiving substantial
improvement on my essays in the future. thank you very much.


ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

My objective is to become a professional business manager who finds a suitable role within an international cooperation, ideally with a specific focus on developing my skills in project management and leadership, business planning, market research. However, my longer-objective is to apply what I will be learning to my real business(NGO for example) so that I will get opportunities to repay the community where I grew up by assisting the people who are homeless and the disabled with worse living conditions.

When I came back in Beijing from an American high school as an exchange student, I took several months to work for a local NGO in Beijing for the disabled as I did in America before applying for Undergraduate Studies. I do realize how these people need help and support from the government and individuals. However, I found some factors, which affect the further development of NGOs. First and foremost, there are less research institutes and specific groups to study on how to improve management for such people compared to developed countries. Secondly, lack of professionals who are truly interested in running non-government funded organizations is still a huge challenge to assist such people from rounded aspects.

Therefore, by focusing my studies on business, I yearn to spread my knowledge of business across the world and even go beyond by founding my own business for the people who need the real support and assistance.

...my skills in project management, leadership, business planning, market research.

You might want to write another sentence at the end to describe your envisioned business some more.

I can tell you are very intelligent, because your writing style is so methodical! I see no mistakes. You can use commas and different kinds of sentence structures, different rhythms, but actually your straightforward way is very good. I am impressed. I see no errors!!

thank you Kevin, I got confidence from you. I think you have had given me some clues on writing skills but how to make more commas and sentence structure to make my essay more actractive, thank you.

thank you Kevin, and this is another personal statement I wrote for practice but a foreign friend told me that most of sentences seems to be translated literally from my language into English and another friend showed me the second para seems boring since it is a list not very detailed focusing on one topic.If possible, how could I change the second para to make it more individual and attractive? thank you very much.


It is said that we learn from difficulties. This has been particularly true in my case. During my three years at middle school, I had to quit a couple of my main interests, including playing the piano as I didn't have enough time to practice. Focusing on academic studies was my major commitment and occupied most of my time. I had to put all my effort towards gaining an excellent score in the high school entrance exam as do most Chinese students.( If such study style was my general practice, I would not be confused with respect to digging out the true meaning of my life.)During that time, I stopped too many of my true hobbies and became unhappy and seemed not to (project) care about my future although I still did well at school. Under these circumstances, my parents (as successful entrepreneurs) helped me get out of this state of unhappiness and confusion. Also because of their consideration, they helped me see my future more clearly. They encouraged me to study in a well-known international high school with western-style education, which puts an emphasis on how to cultivate students with well-rounded development.

Starting a new high school gave me chance to begin a new life and start to fulfill my potential. During my 3 years at high school my main commitments and achievements were 1) the leader of the school basketball team 2) the captain of the brass band team 3) the captain of the school aerobic team 4) a main member of the school Guzheng team and participated in 7 public performances 5) initiated and organized a voluntary organization called 'Our Summer Vacation Trips'. This has been registered officially in the Charity and Relief Union in Ningbao City and we have organized a couple of large charity activities collecting funds for further charity work 6) the conductor of the school orchestra. Meanwhile, my academic scores, especially my English, has greatly improved and I managed to score a 7 overall on my IELTS test.

In addition to my academic performance in school, I fortunately found my true career ambition. While participating in the voluntary organization, my inner voice told me that I need do more to re-pay society by what I am learning and what I hope to learn in an American University as a major in political or international studies. One of my career ambitions is to find a suitable role within an international organization, such as UNESCO, ideally with a specific focus on assisting people who have been displaced due to civil unrest, war, famine or other natural disasters.

Therefore, I look forward to the challenges and opportunities that studying at your university presents. If selected, my hard work and dedication will bring honor to your institute and value to the student community.

Attending a new high school gave me chance to begin a new life and start to fulfill my potential. During my three years at high school my main commitments and achievements included my roles as:, 1) the leader of the school basketball team 2) the captain of the brass band team 3) the captain of the school aerobic team 4) a main member of the school Guzheng team and participated in 7 public performer 5) initiater and organizer of a volunteer organization called 'Our Summer Vacation Trips'. This has been registered officially in the Charity and Relief Union in Ningbao City, and we have organized a couple of large charity activities collecting funds for further charity work 6) the conductor of the school orchestra. Meanwhile, my academic scores, especially my English, have greatly improved, and I managed to score a 7 overall on my IELTS test.

Great job!! I am excited for you. Please stick around and give help to other people struggling with English
http://www.essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Dear Kevin:
I am willing to apply for top 10 universities in USA .this means that if you use the personal statement above, it is a good one or I need more work on each sentence or might be to say more detailed matters about me.
Would you give me any advice from you? Ths

I think you should use numbers diffwerently:

During my three years at high school my main commitments and achievements were, 1.) the leader of the school basketball team, 2.) the captain of the brass band team, 3.) the captain of the school aerobic team, 4.) a main member of the school Guzheng team and participated in 7 public performances, 5.) initiated and organized a voluntary organization called 'Our Summer Vacation Trips'. This has been registered officially in the Charity and Relief Union in Ningbao City and we have organized a couple of large charity activities collecting funds for further charity work 6.) the conductor of the school orchestra. Meanwhile, my academic scores, especially my English, has greatly improved and I managed to score a 7 overall on my IELTS test.

I think the comma should come before the number.