Good morning :)
Here are my suggestions for your essay:
"Why do more and more Korean students choose to study abroad? Nowadays, more and more (You have just used this phrase in the sentence immediately prior, making your essay already repetitive. Choose another phrase for one of these sentences to keep your reader's interest.) students are leaving their home countries to study. One statistic shows that among foreign students in the U.S in 2006, Koreans were the leading group with 93,278 students (What study? Make sure you cite your sources in text as well as in a 'Works Cited' page or bibliography.) . And (Never begin a sentence with a conjunction such as "but" or "and"; go ahead and start your sentence with "They...") spent about 5 billion dollars in a year. And (See my earlier note.) also the top country which the foreign students in U.S come from in the past 3 years has been Korea as well Let's rephrase this because it is awkward. How about something like "Korea has been the leading country for the past three years in sending its students to the US to study.") . For Korean university students, leaving for a year or more to attend a language course or university as an exchange student is becoming a common option. Furthermore in recent years, the number of middle, high school, and even elementary school students at the age of (At the age of what? This is an incomplete sentence.) is increasing rapidly. They are leaving their families and friends at an early age and must adapt to the different culture. Everything is so different and that kind of situation seems so harsh for them. Why do they have to study in such comfortable environments? (These two sentences are direct oppositions of each other. In one you state that these conditions are too harsh for young children, and in the next you are calling the same conditions comfortable. Please correct your contradiction.)
The most common reason for this is language immersion, especially English. Most people in Korea criticize that despite 10 years of English study, they can't (Refrain from using contractions in academic texts; write out the whole word: "cannot".) even say a word when facing foreigners. They complain that English education in Korea is not effective. Moreover in terms of SLA(When first mentioning an abbreviation, make sure you let your readers know what it stands for. Once you have established this, you may refer to the abbreviation repeatedly in the text without further explanation. For example, this sentence could read, "...in terms of (insert whatever SLA stands for), better known as SLA...") , certain limitation exists here. That is, students cannot get enough language exposure in an EFL (See my earlier note regarding abbreviations.) situation like Korea. On the other hand, students in their 20s in this nation are eager to improve their English skills, because getting a good job is their top priority and to get a great job, they need a certain level of English proficiency, and ahigh score on various English tests is essential. So (See my earlier note about beginning sentences with conjunctions.) the situation is that English is not merely a language to communicate with, but a critical value of assessing an individual's abilities. So (See my earlier note regarding beginning sentences with conjunctions.) , for Korean youngsters, English itself is a huge burden they should bear in order to get a great job or get promoted. In this situation, they easily choose to stay in English-speaking countries like America, Australia, New Zealand, or the Philippines. They attend courses there, hoping that their English really improves and they can be in a better position in this battlefield.
But (See my earlier note regarding beginning sentences with conjunctions.) the problem is not confined to English education. More and more parents come to think our current education system is neither effective nor even humane. From the early age of 12 or 13, the competition to get a better, higher education starts and from that age, students feel lots of pressure on their performance and grades in school. The classes are usually aimed to do better on tests. But (See my earlier note regarding beginning sentences with conjunctions.) some parents want their children to enhance their creativity and to be really respected as a whole person, not to be judged by their scores. They believe that what they want cannot be accomplished in our current test-emphasized educational system. That's (See my earlier note regarding using contractions in academic papers.) why they are sending their children abroad despite their emotional and financial difficulties.
There are many rising criticisms toward this social trend. In financial terms, it costs lots of money and only the students in the economic upper-class can study in another country. It might widen the gap between the "haves" and the "have-nots". Also, when the kids leave their families at an early age, the separation from family can cause some emotional difficulties. The new term "Gireogi Father" reflects the current situation well. These men are living alone after their kids and wives leave their home to study. They are suffering from loneliness and have to endure a lot of financial pressure to support their families (according to a 2004 statistic, they sent an average of 4,200,000 won to their families). (Remove the ellipses in this statement. Place a semi colon after "families" and begin the next connected sentence with "according...". Also, where is the citation for this information?) Sometimes these hardships even lead to suicide; these men are also victims of this situation. Citation? Where are you getting this information?
President Lee Myung-bak and his government officials continue to announce new education policies to solve this problem. And (See my earlier note regarding beginning sentences with conjunctions.) those policies are stirring up a heated controversy all around the country. One sure thing is that the Korean education system itself is facing a strong challenge to cope with this problem. We have to offer a vision to those trying to escape Korea for educational reasons."
Good job on your essay.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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