Essay for IELTS General Training

Hi all,
I am appearing in IELTS Genral Training next month. Please check and correct my essay. Thanks in advance.

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Nowadays men and women are equally participating in every field. Contrastingly, in the past time, women worked at home and performed sophisticated work. This factor is still affecting thinking of many people. They still believe that in present time women must do such type of work only. This tendency enforces universities to accept student according to the gender.

Universities should accept equal numbers of students of both genders. Initially, if we look into the fact, women have proved themselves in every field whether it is indoor or outdoor. For example, nowadays women are working in home as well as in the sky. They are acting as a good housewife and they are flying planes also. Furthermore, university authority must not be biased on ground of the gender discrimination. They must consider the academic record of the student as main criteria of admission.

However, the current job market affects the decision of universities. Every university designs its courses according to the need of employers. The job selection criteria are pre decided. For instance employers need male candidates for the heavy work such as repairing and installation of heavy machine. They prefer male staff for night shifts. They want female candidates for soft natured work like counseling, teaching, designing etc. Therefore, universities follow the requirement of job providers and decide subject suitable for particular gender.

To conclude, I strongly believe that universities much open choice for everyone to select his subject. Our youth has become very confident towards his career. They are not ready to be bound in certain limitations. Female candidates also do not care about any restriction posed by the society and the employer. So we must give them opportunity to achieve their goal.

Lalit

participating equally*
in the past*
sophisticated work? (what do you mean)*
People are stuck in the mindset that women ...*
enforce is the wrong word... in any event, what is this "tendency" and has it really influenced the decision making process of universities that they select students based on gender???*

Your essay is scattered pretty badly so I would suggest doing a tad bit of research and coming up with something -- a point of interest -- perhaps that women are scarce in engineering, physics, etc -- and what you think about it.

If men are stronger, then aren't they just more apt to do physical labor?
Why select 1:1 gender ratio in a field where there is an obvious mismatch?

Try focusing on the prompt and avoid getting distracted.

Do you agree that there should be a 1:1 ratio in all subjects? Really, do you agree?? If yes, why? If no, why?

There are formidable arguments for either case.

Nowadays men and women are equally participating in every aspect of society. Contrastingly, in the past time, women worked at home and performed sophisticated work. This factor is still affecting thinking the thought of many people. They still believe that in present time women must do such type of work only. This tendency enforces universities to accept student according to the gender.

Universities should accept equal numbers of students of both genders. Initially, if we look into the fact, women have proved themselves in every field whether it is indoor or outdoor. For example, nowadays women are working in home as well as in the sky. They are acting as a good housewife and they are flying planes also. Furthermore, university authority must not be biased on ground of the gender discrimination. They must consider the academic record of the student as main criteria of admission.

However, the current job market affects the decision of universities. Every university designs its courses according to the need of employers. The job selection criteria are pre-decided. For instance, employers need male candidates for the heavy work such as repairing and installation of heavy machine. They prefer male staff for night shifts. On the other hand, females are preferred for soft natured work like counseling, teaching, designing etc. Therefore, universities should follow the requirement of job providers and decide subject suitable for particular gender.

To conclude, I strongly believe that universities much should open choice for everyone to select his subject. Our youth has become very confident towards his career. They are not ready to be bound in certain limitations. Female candidates also do not care about any restriction posed by the society and the employer. So they must be given opportunities to reach their goals.


Hello,

I hate to gave meaningless comments or advices. Honestly, your essay is not so good, I rank it a little below average. I did not check the grammar very carefully because I believe you was very careful with it(most IELTS candidates
are very good at grammar). You essay is like a skeleton, you need some "flesh" for it to make it more attractive (it can be better if you have some cloths for it :)) ). I hope my advices and suggestions can help you improve your next essay.
Good luck

Another forum user has written on this prompt. You might want to read the resulting discussion for ideas:
http://www.essayforum.com/essay-writing-feedback-3/universit ies-should-accept-numbers-male-female-6853/

Ow. I'm going to join in the chorus of "you need to flesh out your essay." At the moment, you seem to be reliant on some very old gender stereotypes. Women can fly a plane, as long as they continue to be good housewives. Women should go into soft and nurturing fields; men should go into rough ones. Your essay reads like a caricature, the way a feminist might portray a conservative point of view to avoid having to respond to it seriously.

If you want to stick with your current thesis, you need to argue that university admissions should be based purely on academic merit, and that this may lead to gender imbalances in certain subjects, depending upon who applies for what.

If you want to argue for gender balance, then you might not want to focus quite so much on protecting poor oppressed women, and start looking more at what can be done to help poor oppressed men. After all, most campuses show a clear anti-male bias, and have done so for the past decade: http://www.gainesville.com/article/20090610/ARTICLES/9061010 05/1002/news?Title=We-are-the-girls-----

Thanks to all.

Feel free to post your revised version for even more feedback.