Essay about how a boy changed after finding a hobby he liked

Hey guys first post.
I need some really harsh critiquing. I'm not a great writer but I tried very hard on this essay.
Tell me what you think.

//This essay is meant to describe how a boy (me) who lived for videogames changed after building his computer into a more responsible and dedicated young adult.

"There we go" I said ...

SEE BELOW

Posted by
Kevin Baijnath
@1:46 am
11/4/2009

any tips? ideas? suggestions?

It's really good, but you need some more work before that final draft. You need to work on correcting some grammar, conventions, and mechanics.

Also, your diction and vocabulary was pretty weak. I'd suggest thesaurus.com. I use it all the time to sound smart in my writing for essay contests.

The part where you say $1000. I'd use a more random and steeper amount, giving more of a conflict and it makes you seem you know what you write about as you get more specific.

There was really no conflict. What about the computer you had built? What were the setbacks? Everything seemed to go according to plan. No one wants to read about something like a fighter pilot who is so skilled in dog fighting that he always splashes his bandits with ease, you know? I'd also add sub-conflicts to the main conflict. Maybe the website you used messed up your order, or your components were to antiquated to use.

As for the price the exact amount was $939.35. Should I replace the $1000 with that amount?

"After the parts finally arrived I inspected the box shipped by UPS and was appalled to see a huge dent on the side. Cautiously I opened up the box and was relieved to find that everything appeared alright and I began to build."

Hmmm I thought I added enough conflict in the end. Perhaps I should have elaborated more.
How about this:

"There we go" I said to myself as I screwed the last screw in. Thoughts of panic rushed into my mind. I thought to myself "What if this doesn't work again?" and "What am I going to do if something fries?". I sighed, took a deep breath and pushed the button. Almost instantly I was greeted by the whirring of fans and the beeping of my motherboard. I breathed a sigh of relief and stared at the black screen waiting for something to happen. After a few minutes I realized that I had to install the operating system. I searched through my room diligently and after I found my Windows XP disc I put it in and restarted my computer."

"Although I had done as much research as I could I had uncovered much information about exactly how to build a computer. As I began putting all the individual components onto the motherboard I realized that I had no idea what I was doing. On the power supply there were nearly 30 wires and not nearly as many slots on the motherboard. After hours of trial and error I decided that I had done it right and I turned it on. I was greeted by the smell of burning plastic and burning metal. The fire alarm in my house had went off and it took me several minutes to ventilate the room in order to stop the fire alarm from ringing. Although I was anxious I sat down and decided to try again. After nearly an hour of checking and re-checking the wires I realized that I had put a 4 pin wire into a 5 pin slot and quickly corrected my mistake. When I fixed my mistake I tied up all the unused wires and tried again."

Thoughts/Comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks for the input zebrasapien

That's a real good improvement. I don't think you quite got what I said about conflicts though. It was good, but the conflicts were very subtle. You need a rising action, climax, falling action, and then the resolution. You're not writing a novel, so you don't really have to go into detail about it. The dent in the UPS box was more like suspense, but I liked it. You used great imagery in the burning plastic and metal. I really like this short story. It's shows how you like the subject that you write about. I wouldn't really know what that 5-pin slot was, so you really show that you know the subject. Good job. :)

Hmmm thanks for the advice. Is there any way I can accentuate the conflicts?

Anyone else interested in reading it?

Use commas before quotations:

...thought to myself, "What if this doesn't work again?" and, "What am I...

The fire alarm in my house had went off, and it took me several minutes to ventilate the room in order enough to stop the fire alarm from ringing. Although I was anxious, I sat down and decided to try again.

That is funny. Now, as you revise, find ways to say the same things in fewer words... or with rhythm. You write clearly and correctly, so now it is time to work on style. Make it rhythmic and soothing.

Hmmm rythmic and soothing. I'm sorry but I have no idea how I would even attempt to edit my essay with that tone in mind. Any advice? (i'm not trying to make you do my essay but i'm kind of confused). I've also heard that I need to add more emotion into various parts but I can't really figure out where

updated essay:
There we go" I said to myself as I screwed the last screw in. Thoughts of panic rushed into my mind. I thought to myself, "What if this doesn't work again?" and, "What am I going to do if something fries?" I sighed, took a deep breath and pushed the button. Almost instantly I was greeted by the whirring of fans and the beeping of my motherboard. I breathed a sigh of relief and stared at the black screen waiting for something to happen. After a few minutes I realized that I had to install the operating system. I searched through my room diligently and after I found my Windows XP disc I put it in and restarted my computer. As I let the installer run thoughts flashed through my mind about how this all happened.
Several months ago I decided I needed a new computer. My computer at the time was very old and could not play a lot of computer games. I decided I would like to build a computer because I had heard that it could save you a lot of money and that a custom built computer could play the best games. After many hours of research on various online forums and online retailers I had finally come up with the price I wanted to pay and the parts I wanted to get. My parents were very supportive and urged me to try it, but with one catch. They were unwilling to give me the $939.35 dollars I needed to buy all the parts. I asked them how I could make that much money and they simply replied "work at our factory." Although I cringed at the thought of working for my parents I grudgingly agreed and told myself that it would be worth it in the end. After I had finally earned enough money for the computer by spending nearly eight hours a week on the computer typing up formulas and documenting raw material I ordered the parts from an online site. Those three days that I waited were some of the longest in my life. Every ten minutes I would check to see where the parts where and I was unable to concentrate in school. After the parts finally arrived I inspected the box shipped by UPS and was appalled to see a huge dent on the side. Cautiously I opened up the box and was relieved to find that everything appeared alright and I began to build.
Although I had done as much research as I could I had not uncovered much information about exactly how to build a computer. As I began putting all the individual components onto the motherboard I realized that I had no idea what I was doing. On the power supply there were nearly 30 wires and not nearly as many slots on the motherboard. After hours of trial and error I decided that I had done it right and I turned it on. I was greeted by the smell of burning plastic and burning metal. The fire alarm in my house had gone off and it took me several minutes to ventilate the room enough to stop the fire alarm from ringing. Although I was nervous about what would happen I sat down and decided to try again. After nearly an hour of checking and re-checking the wires I realized that I had put a 4 pin wire into a 5 pin slot and quickly corrected my mistake. When I fixed my mistake I tied up all the unused wires and tried again. When it turned on I was overcome with adrenaline and I just couldn't stop twitching for nearly thirty minutes.
After I finished installing the operating system I installed some computer games but I quickly began to get bored of them. All I could think about was the exhilarating experience of building a computer and I began to voice my thoughts to my friends and family. I described the beauty of each individual component and the pure ecstasy of watching all the time and effort put in amount to something amazing. After a while I became the "IT guy" for family and friends and became presented with various pleas for help with computers almost daily. Every time I help someone with a computer problem I think back to my own experience of building a gaming computer.

This is good writing! When I said you should be rhythmic and soothing, I was trying to give you words that would inspire that energy that rises up and makes good writing.


"There we go," I said to myself as I screwed the last screw in. ---> This is a good example of a rhythmic sentence. It is not grammatically correct, necessarily, because you are not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but you are allowed to bend the rules for the sake of rhythm.

:)

Any advice on where I should try to shave things down? Right now my word count is at 731 but I'd like it to be at 500 (Purdue essay limit but I don't know about how many words I should have for my CommonApp Essay).

You'll have to cut some of the details from the first half of the essay. Do not omit the part about the fire, and do not omit the part about twitching for 30 minutes... these make the essay brilliant.

Find places where you can cut words without losing meaning:
My computer at the time was very old and could not play a lot of computer games.