"Cellular Phones" - someone please proof read my paper

I am currently working towards getting my G.E.D and am in class for each subject. Right now we are learning how to effectively write essays and other pappers. I was given a writing assignment to which I was asked to write a 250 word Essay(although i am having trouble staying within the 250 word limit),on the pros and cons of Cellular phones. I was asked to stay neutral and explore both sides breifly. here is my Essay.

If anyone has some extra time to give it a look and share some advice with me, i would greatly welcome it. Thank you so much for your time.
Ps; please keep in mind that While i compleated highschool, i was home schooled and in that mostly self taught. I am weak in many of the subjects from about 8th grade and up. Please don't be rude or mean in your comments, i am really trying my best to achieve what my parents failed to provide.This is why i am in the class to begin with.
The reason i am asking for help is becuase its been so long since I have written an essay and my skills were not up to par in the first place. Thank you for your time and please enjoy my paper.

-Jane

Cellular Phones

SEE BELOW

Thank you for your candor in describing your weaknesses. I'm sure everyone will be kind and recognize that you are doing your best to make up for deficits that are not your fault.


Epidemic? Are you sure that's the word you want? If the tone is to be neutral, this transgresses that rule because "epidemic" has a very negative connotation.

Punctuation is a problem. For example:


This is a sentence fragment. Also, the question mark is not warranted.

I'll let others jump in with other suggestions and fixes.

Thank you so much for your feed back. while i still have a long ways to go in writing i am willing to keep trying. I have began to rethink most of my entire essay and would like some help and a little direction. I will repost a version of my new essay rough draft please take a look and help me figure somethings out. once again thank you for your time and efforts.

Hows this. alot better, I think.




In recent years cellular phones have had a sudden increase of popularity in the world of technology and entertainment.. Cellular technology has so rapidly progressed and advanced over the past ten years that these specific devices have very little limitations on what they can offer consumers.
While some consumers focus only on the positive effects, others focus primarily on the negative effects that cell phones have on society today.

When we take a closer look at mobile phones it is easy to see how useful these devices have become to our everyday lives. When we look at some of the most significant needs for cellular phones today we can find that one of the most important uses can be found when an individual is stuck in a situation of emergancy. When one finds him or her self in need of road side assistance,medical care, or the protection of law enforcement, it is safe to say that there is a real a security in knowing help is only a phone call away.


But as beneficial as cell phones are, we must also consider some of the negative effects they can have on us and those around us. One of the most commonly know complaints formed against cell phones can actually be attributed to the owners rather then the devices themselves.It's sad to say that many cell phone owners have become so consumed with their high tech devices that they actually become unaware of the dangers and annoyances they are causing those around them. A perfect example of this is found when we take a look at the dangers of driver while operating a mobile phone. One of the largest causes for highway accidents has been directed towards drivers who were more concerned with their need for communication then they were for being a safe driver. It is a sad thought to think that lives have been taken because someone was distracted by a phone call.

In conclusion, I think its safe to say that while technology can be extremely helpful to society it can also be very detrimental if improperly used. As Sir Issac Newton stated in his Third Law of gravity, " Every action has an equal and greater reaction". Its our duty as consumers and human being to step up and be good stewards of the things we own and create. We must be ready to accept responsibility for the reactions our actions have caused. Even when it comes down to the way we use our cellular phones.

A few things:

1. Your essay writing skills don't seem noticeably subpar. Your content shows a certain amount of thoughtfulness, your grammar is quite good, and your style is passable. You should have more confidence in your writing abilities. And I'm not just saying that to be nice -- I just left another thread in which I told the author that her writing style could be profitably compared to a form of cancer. If your writing was horrible, I would be, quite literally, the first one to tell you so.

2. You will find it easier to stay in the 250 word limit if you cut out redundant or verbose phrasing:

"While some consumers focus only on the positive effects, others focus primarily on the negative effects that cell phones have on society today."

"Cellular technology has progressed so rapidly progressed and advanced over the past ten years that these specific devices have very little few limitations on what they can offer consumers."

"In conclusion, I think its safe to say that While technology can be extremely helpful to society it can also be very detrimental if improperly used."

3. Now that you've cut some stuff, you have room for more points. You might want to look at the psychological effects of having a cellphone. On the bright side, we're always connected to our friends now. We're never really alone, unless we choose to be. On the other hand, what does it say about our ability to function as mature human beings when our horror movies portray the worst fate that can befall us as entering into a cellphone dead zone?

I second that emotion.

Thank you so much. I think i just alittle to excited and over whelmed when it comes to writting. I try alittle to hard to be smart and heard and thus, i end up making no sense. I will revise my essay and take to heart the things you have pointed out. thank you for your feed back!

Quick question.

By romoving this sentence from my paper do I need to replace it with another? It was ( sadly) my Thesis statement.

"While some consumers focus only on the positive effects, others focus primarily on the negative effects that cell phones have on society today."


If the answer is yes, then do you have any advices as to how I can start my thesis statement?

That's not your thesis statement. It's a statement of fact so mundane that it need not be said. Your thesis is not that some consumers see cell phones positively while other people see them negatively. Your thesis is that the ubiquity of cell phones has both positive and negative aspects. Find a way to say that in your own words somewhere within your introductory paragraph.

Hmmm. thats what im having trouble with. I don't you to write it for me, however if you could give me an example or a hint it would be very helpful to me. Ive tried a few different ideas but so far all i seem to do is make that paragraph seem croweded and over stated.

Simone's already told you what your thesis is -- you just need to paraphrase it so that its in your own words.