argumentative journal : "Being a Victim of American Popular Culture" -feedback

(first paragraph)
America as a super power country influences many aspects of life around the world, including pop culture. it is a form of mass productions which serves the demand of the market and profits through magazines, television, movies, music, sports, novels, fashion, or food. Nowadays, American pop culture is preferred by almost people but for some reasons I dislike it.

(second paragraph)
For example, pop culture can shape our beliefs and values, which then creates inaccurate stereotypes. When we are watching an American movie and the actress is a beautiful woman, with blonde hair, slim body, and fair-complexion, unconsiously, we think that being beautiful means we have to look like her. Then, we start to change the color of our hair, go on a diet, and use whitening lotion on our body. We do not realize that the image created by media is a big lie and the result is forced.

(third paragraph)
Moreover, pop culture tends to make people who enjoy it become consuming interest. For example, fashion, America known as the trend setter of it. People are willing to spend their money for the newest and popular stuff. We do not realize it because we love it. But after the trend changes, all stuff that we have, turn to be waste and we start to regret it.

(fourth paragraph)
On the other hand, some people say that pop culture is a threat for their own culture. It may be possible since today many people ignore their traditional culture. If we asked teenagers, what do they like, join in cheerleaders or learn Javanese dance? Most of them may choose to join cheerleaders because learning traditional dance will be boring activity for them.

(fifth paragraph)
In brief, we cannot run from the reality that we are victims of the American pop culture. Perhaps it is one of the effects of globalization. But, we can confine ourselves in order to keep our own culture.


anyone....please help me to revise my paragraph
FYI: 1st and 2nd paragraph have been revised by my native lecturer, so you may revise the rest paragraphs.thanks.

First, who are these "almost people" you mention? Chimps? Second, you should list your reasons here in summary form.



Your example is okay, but, somewhat ironically, treated superficially. Go into more detail about this phenomenon.



If you are going to go with "For example" here, why not give some actual examples of what you are talking about?

And so on. You need to add more detail and supporting evidence throughout. You have a good outline here, but it is not fleshed out enough for a full essay.

well okay...I'll revise it again,thanks. I need your help after I do my revision Sean ^^