Please edit this for me. I will edit yours too
Throughout his ceremonious life, Jackie Robinson depicted a great amount of courage and determination that inspire the present day young. Moreover, his childhood growing up in a fatherless home stands out as his greatest depiction of courage. However, his courage in standing up for civil rights, especially in the military, also allows him to stand out and inspire youth. Therefore, due to his depiction of courage growing up in a fatherless home and standing up for civil rights, he ranks as a model for all young students.
In his early stages of life, Robinson depicted courage growing up as a fatherless child. Furthermore, after his father left him and his family in 1920, Robinson garnered the courage to mature without a father figure. Even after moving to Pasadena, California after his father's departure, Robinson remained motivated to succeed. Living in small residential houses, Robinson understood the necessity to succeed in life despite the lack of a gather to guide him. Through determination, he achieved his fame. In addition, he also depicted courage in his quest to achieve civil rights.
In an era when African-Americans and other minorities were deprived of their civil rights, Jackie Robinson depicted courage; especially while enlisted in the United States military. After the frustration of getting into officer candidate school because of his skin color, Robinson, with Joe Louis, opened an officer candidate school for black soldiers. With success and courage, Robinson founded the all black officer school. Again, risking his career, Robison refused to head to the back of a military bus because of his skin color. Although later arrested and court-martialed, he stood up to his beliefs with courage. After a lustrous record of depicting courage, Robinson left it to his posterity to value him as an epitome.
Establishing a legacy of courage and determination, Robinson leaves it to his posterity to utilize him as a model. Specifically, from his depiction of courage growing up without a father, modern-day teens can learn. Furthermore, this situation provides that when circumstances does not favor, one must take initiative and courage to reach the maximum potential, without frittering one's life away. Secondly, through Robinson's depiction of courage in the military, present-day teens can that when obstacles force a person to his knees, one must stand up with courage, determined to unleash and blast through the impediments - just as Jackie Robinson.
Moreover, his childhood growing up in a fatherless home stands out as his greatest depiction of courage.
Childhood cannot be a depiction of courage. Depiction is usually something solid that materializes the concept "courage." Maybe his "defiance of the status quo"?
In his early stages of life, Robinson depicted courage growing up as a fatherless child. Furthermore, after his father left him and his family in 1920, Robinson garnered the courage to mature without a father figure. Even after moving to Pasadena, California after his father's departure, Robinson remained motivated to succeed. Living in small residential houses, Robinson understood the necessity to succeed in life despite the lack of a gather to guide him. Through determination, he achieved his fame. In addition, he also depicted courage in his quest to achieve civil rights.
Awkward sounding and wordy. "In his childhood" or "As he was growing up".
Again, same comment with "depicted." Maybe "demonstrated," "epitomized," etc. are better word options.
"Furthermore" usually indicates something that exacerbates another event. In this case, however, the father already left. Robinson just overcomes the lack of a father figure. His OVERCOMING does not exacerbate his lack of a father figure. I think it sounds better if you just delete the word. The logic follows just fine without it.
By this point, "courage" has been used like 5 times. Most readers would have picked up that Robinson is courageous. If you want to emphasize the idea, use a synonym. Otherwise, just focuses on Robinson's action and delete courage. I would prefer to write this as "Growing up without a father figure, Robinson nonetheless became a brave young man who was self-determined, despite all of the discrimination and hardships that he had to face."
Similar edits need to be made throughout your essay.
Just out of curiosity, your name sounds Viet. Are you an ESL student by any chance?
