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Descriptive Essay about a red -winged black bird? HELP?


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Hello,
Is there anyone that can help me write a descriptive essay about a red -winged black bird? I have begun to write the body of the essay, but still need help. Would really appreciate the help.

Thanks.

May 21, 2011, 09:19pm   #
What is this red-winged black bird you speak of?
it's better for you to specify the bird's name, because red-winged black bird doesn't ring anything to me.

You're writing a descriptive essay, so put a clear description of what the bird is like. It would be best to put a unique feature of the bird in the body. Something that's different from other birds, or you can tell about the bird's specialty

hope that helps :)
Begin every paragraph with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE. Each paragraph will be about a subtopic.

When you put all the subtopics together, see what they have in common. See what special truth they reveal when considered altogether. When you do that, you'll see the unique value of your essay.

After you have written the body paragraphs, write the intro para and the conclusion para. When you do that, explain that truth, the truth revealed by the essay.

:-)
well this is what i have so far. tell me what you think. I'm not quite done with it though>>>>



Red-Winged Black Bird

It was a warm breezy morning. Upon arriving to the Pond Apple Slough, a beautiful black bird that exhibited unique colors was seen. Coming from the south direction, he flew across the sky and landed on a tree. As he sat on the tree he began to sing. He was possibly singing to himself, or looking for a mate.
The red winged black bird has a jet black...
SEE BELOW
Hello Christina,

Good job. This is some great descriptive writing. I was drawn in immediately to the scene you set. A few suggestions:

1. It was a warm, breezy morning. (Or, It was a warm and breezy morning.)

I prefer the insertion of "and" myself.

2. The red-winged black bird has a glossy, jet-black appearance . . . His eyes possess the quality of onyx gemstones.

This is how I would write those particular descriptions. This is purely editorial on my part, and not a reflection on your writing skills.

3. His shoulders begin to puff out as he sings his musical, harsh (?) pitch call.

Don't change to a different term if "harsh" is the word you are going for. However, "high pitch" seems more fitting in this description.

4. His wings moved elegantly as he flew away into the beautiful, light-blue sky.

I noticed a shifting view at this point. Is it supposed to be something that has passed, or is it presently happening?

Overall, though, fantastic work. Keep going!
Thanks a alot for your suggestions. I am trying to form a thesis statement, which i didn't realize wasn't in the essay. i have begun to edit the essay, and need to know if my changes have made a difference or not. please let me know.....





Red-Winged Black Bird

One warm and breezy morning, upon arriving to the Pond Apple Slough, a beautiful black bird that exhibited unique colors captivated my eyes. Coming from the south direction, he flew across the sky and landed on a tree. As he sat on the tree he began to sing. He seemed to be singing to himself, or looking for a mate.
The red winged black bird has a jet black glossy appearance. His round and flat head moves quickly as he turns his head from side to side. His eyes possess the qualities of an onyx gemstone. His beak is shaped like a dagger, known to catch his prey. In addition to that, his beak resembles the color seen in a dark rain cloud.
While perched up in a tree, his broad and sturdy shoulders manifest his dominant physique. His cherry red and lemon-like colored shoulders give him a unique quality unlike any other bird. These bright and vivid colors reflected into the sunlight. His jet black glossy appearance complements his unique colored shoulders. His shoulders begin to puff out as he sings his musical high pitched song.
His voice sounds like a flute, as he sings his high pitched song. An admirable voice, that lingers in ones ears. His high-pitched call softens the perfect mood, into a relaxed state of mind. A sound where one can drift away into space. A place of paradise, and happiness that comes to being.
His jagged-shaped wings began to shine, as he gracefully flew into the sky. His wings moved elegantly as he flew away into the sea blue sky. He flew like a kite being lifted into the air. He glides from side to side into the cool breezy air. His wings spread out wonderfully.
His fan-shaped tail is in open view trailing behind him. His glossy black colored tail resembles a satin like material. So delicate and lovely like a new born baby. His tail looks more prominent when he flies into the sky.
His claw-like feet begin to curl in as he lures himself against the wind. His sharp claws help him grip onto trees, and show his agility. While on the ground he scrambles to devour his next meal. He then takes off into the magnificent sea blue sky.
So when visiting the Pond Apple Slough, and a high pitched thrill sound cries out, just look up in the sky, or low on the ground, for a black glossy bird with onyx gemstone eyes, a dagger shaped beak, cherry red and lemon like colored shoulders , jagged-shaped wings, with a fan shaped tail, and claw like feet. Yes you've guessed it; it's the beautiful and magnificent red winged black bird.
I guess I don't think you need DIRECTION here:

Coming from the south, direction, he flew across the sky and landed on a tree. As he sat on the tree he began to sing. He seemed to be singing to himself, or looking for a mate.----very cool. It reminds me of a poem by Fr. Anthony DeMello:
"Look at the bright blue bird sitting in that tree,
springing up and down, up and down,
filling the world with its melody,
abandoning itself in unreserved delight,
because it has no notion of tomorrow."
:-)


His beak is shaped like a dagger -----great simile... one of the best ever in the history of writing :-)

resembles the color seen in a dark rain cloud.---wow, you are a writer, aren't you? very cool...

Yes you've guessed it; it's the beautiful and magnificent red winged black bird.
I like the whole essay, all except for this boring last sentence.

Great job!!!!
Hello Christina,

You're welcome. Honestly, this is some great writing. I would rephrase the end paragraph to something like the following, which you may retool and do with as you please:

When visiting the Pond Apple Slough some warm and breezy morning, and a high-pitched trill sound cries out, be sure to look around you. Gaze up into the sky or low upon the ground. Look for a black, glossy bird with onyx gemstone eyes, dagger-shaped beak, cherry red and lemon-colored shoulders, jagged-shaped wings, fan-shaped tail, and claw-like feet. You may then for yourself see the beautiful and magnificent red-winged black bird.

As you edit your essay, be sure to look for when the appropriate punctuation is needed. For example, hyphens help to delineate certain descriptions that might otherwise require a double take. (Or is it double-take? Ha ha!)

Also, beginning a sentence with "So," which is perfectly fine if you choose to do so, is more often than not superfluous. The same is true for "Just," "And," "But," and so on and so on.

But that's just me. And I'm not your boss. So write what feels right!

Keep up the good work...
Well.. I don't want to take away your opportunity. If I write one for you, I take away your opportunity to express the MAIN IDEA of what you wrote.

It is easy. Write a sentence that tells the main message you send in this essay.

For example.... write a sentence to answer this question:
"What is the writer of this essay trying to tell us?"---How would you answer that question...

:-)



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