Need your assistance - (reasons for receiving the scholarship)

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Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! There is very little that needs correcting. Here's what I see:

this is the people that make the University - it is the people...

able to solve problems - be able to solve problems

and able to overcome - and be able to overcome

unknown – this is what employers seek - unknown. This is what... (the sentence is a little too long)

Abroad you learn many things about not only life but yourself as well, experience a culture different from your own, appreciate a different way of life, meet people that you may have never met and gain once-in-a-lifetime experiences with lasting memories. - It would be best to break this up into 2 sentences.

the very essence of me - the very essence of myself

That's really all I can find that needs correcting. A trick I often use when writing is to read my work out loud when I'm finished. I usually catch a few mistakes that way, and it will also tell me if my sentences are too long. ;-)

I actually like the ending of paragraph 3. The only thing I might suggest is that you indicate what type of people you would like to form relationships with, or in which areas of business you most want to make contacts.

I wish you the best of luck with your application, and I hope you enjoy Scotland! (I've always wanted to visit there, especially Edinburgh.) Thanks!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Our family moved to Moscow in 1991 because my father (as one of the best students in Kazakhstan) was forwarded here to continue his postgraduate study. At that time it seemed impossible to believe that I would be able to achieve a higher education in the best Russian university, and nevertheless my dream came true. But now at 21, I can say there’s one thing I’m sure of - receiving this scholarship will be the defining moment in my education that will change my whole life.

Study abroad is too expensive, so in my case the scholarship becomes a unique and the only chance to improve significantly the knowledge gained at Moscow State Institute of International Relations, acquire practical experience in a large financial centre and study in the university famous for its rich traditions. But above all, it is the people that make the University, so studying at Edinburgh will allow me to tap into a network of past and future scholars and I will be able to get acquainted with and learn from so many amazing student leaders in finance and investment.

This postgraduate program will not only promote my academic enrichment and personal growth but also enhance the career prospects. People who study abroad tend to be willing to take risks, or put themselves in unusual situations, be able to solve problems under unique circumstances, and be able to overcome the fear of the unknown. This is what employers seek and this is what only international education can give me. Nowadays Russia is experiencing the historical moment of its development, so the new knowledge acquired at Edinburgh will be a great contribution to its economic wealth.

Abroad you learn many things about not only life but yourself as well, experience a culture different from your own, appreciate a different way of life and meet people that you may have never met. I strongly believe that this exciting opportunity will allow me to gain once-in-a-lifetime experiences with lasting memories.

But most importantly, this scholarship is more than a fiscal currency; instead it is a ticket to achieve my goals that will allow me to change the very essence of myself for the better.


Sarah, I made the amendments to the 3rd and the 4th paragraphs. Please, check them. Thanks!

I forgot to add the closing salutation.
_____

Thank you for the time and consideration

_____

Thanks once again, Sarah.

Greetings!

Yes, I think the changes make the paragraphs read more smoothly. I have only one suggestion:

instead it is a ticket to achieve my goals that will allow me to change the very essence of myself for the better. - Your closing thoughts might leave more of a lasting impression if you broke this sentence up. How about: "instead, it is a ticket to achieve my goals. A scholarship to [name of university] will allow me to change the very essence of myself for the better". That's my opinon, anyway. ;-)

I truly hope you will receive your scholarship and enjoy your life at university. I'm glad if I have helped!

Sarah
EssayForum.com