Help : Statement of Purpose

Hi there,

Can you guys help me looking over my statement of purpose as following? I'm going to enroll to the university in USA soon but my English is still vague oftenly because I'm Thai.

"Now is the time." I told myself last year when I had worked in my company in the 8th year as the wholesale manager, my last position there. My company has been doing music business over ten years as the biggest music chain stores in Thailand. On the other side, we have been doing export business along with. I had joined the company in Operation Department and Wholesale Department respectively after the 6th year of the company establishment as an Assistant Store Manager followed by a Wholesale Manager position subsequently. That was such valuable aspects cultivated to my working experiences in the past ten years.

I have graduated from the Faculty of Humanities, majored in Mass Communication, Kasetsart University, which many regard as one of the three-best-universities in Thailand, with my second class honors. I pursued academic excellence during my time at the university. Also I participated in many extracurricular activities of the university such as Kasetsart student union, back stage staff for the faculty's stage performance etc. All activities I had joined in at that stage always involved with my major subject. Life in the university was such a precious experiences in which I could apply to my daily working life afterwards.

Upon graduating, I had two years of work as an assistant chief editor for music magazines which were 'Generation Terrorists' and ' Hi-Fi Today'. I had devoted my working life to music business for almost ten years afterwards in Tower Center (Thailand) Co. Ltd.. First position I held for first four years was Assistant Store Manager in the music store known as "Tower Records". This position was fully responsible for staff schedule arrangement, inventory and shrinkage control, store operation and, of course, customer service. It was a little bit tough on what I was given for compare to my major study, Mass Communication since all of my tasks were about management.

I had worked on retail store management for 4 years which was very helpful when the director of product deparment required me to take over the wholesale manager position in the head quarter. I had participated the management team of the company since then.

My new position as the Wholesale Manager was responsible for many purposes mainly on exporting goods out to all over the world. Besides the task needed to be skillful on accurate Though it was toughest tasks I have ever assigned but I had decent product knowledge and know-how on music business to run on. I began to feel fit in the new position and felt appreciated to learn additional skills required by this field of work.

To be in charge as the Wholesale Manager, I had to report directly to Product Manager and General Manager. Mainly to deal, negotiate with both suppliers, in which to get the best deals and product supply, and customers in all aspects of their demands. Moreover, the most important process of export procedure was to deal and co-coordinate with shipping companies. In this point, I learned not only how to manage the quantity of the inventory in order to make it flow according to the customers' orders but also make a deliverable commitment to all of the customers as scheduled. At this point, I knew how to apply the knowledge to practical work completely by instinct and work experiences. I had encountered numbers of critical problems which were needed to be figured out. Sometimes the problems involved with high amount of money which me and my team needed to be considerable on how to sort out. It was imperative to obtain more knowledge to grow up and expand my own career path in the business world because I haven't had much education background concerning business. That is the critical reason I would need to fulfill know-how with academic course appropriate to future career.

To identify what I really want is the top goal to have academic source which not only could be able to provide me the superior benefit meeting my demand but also broaden my existing horizons.


Thank you in advance.

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing suggestions. I have rewritten the sentences below:

"Now is the time," I told myself last year after having worked in my company for eight years as the wholesale manager, my last position there. My company has been in the music business over ten years as the biggest music chain store in Thailand. The company also does exporting. I had joined the company in the Operation Department and Wholesale Department, respectively, as an Assistant Store Manager and then Wholesale Manager. These were valuable aspects which cultivated my working experiences in the past ten years.

It was a little bit tough, compared to my major study, Mass Communication, since all of my tasks were about management.

I had worked on retail store management for four years, which was very helpful when the director of the products department required me to take over the wholesale manager position in the headquarters.

The job required being skillful and accurate. Though it they were the toughest tasks I have ever assigned, I had decent product knowledge and know-how in the music business to run on.

I encountered a number of critical problems which needed to be figured out. Sometimes the problems involved large amounts of money which my team and I needed to sort out. It was imperative to obtain more knowledge to grow and expand my own career path in the business world because I haven't had much education background concerning business. That is the critical reason I would need to fulfill know-how with academic courses appropriate to my future career.

My top goal is to have academic resources which not only could provide me the superior benefit meeting my demand but also broaden my existing horizons. - I'm not sure what "the superior benefit meeting my demand" means; try to be a bit more specific here.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Thanks so much for your suggestions. Appreciate it!

You're welcome!

Sarah, EssayForum.com