Behemoth (a rollercoaster): Recount of an event

Hi, I realized as I am writing this that this is an essay forum and is intended for essays or such. But i was wondering if you can please take a look at this for me. I was told by my friend that I need to work on my sentence structure and verb tenses. Any suggestions on how i should improve on this piece or writing or my writing in general is appreciated. Also, I was wondering if there is a limit to how many post you can or should make.

On a sunny day, time past by slowly as I waited eagerly to ride and eons past by before my turn came. Gazing up to the gigantic rollercoaster, I was surprisingly calm. Having seen others ride the Behemoth and equipped with information from over-exaggerated cartoons series, I thought I knew exactly what to expect. In truth, what was about to happen was beyond the border of my imagination. Behemoth, the biggest and fastest ride in Canada, would be the first rollercoaster I would ever ride in my life.

Having overheard the rumors and been through the endless lineup, my expectation for the prestigious Behemoth grew to mythical proportions. The rollercoaster buzzed to life and rolled lazily up a ramp. As it struggled up the ramp, a tinge of excitement and fear crept over me. Although I have seen the behemoth many times from afar, I never truly comprehended the enormity of it until that moment. While I admired the view my ride, I realized how high off the ground. If I could change the ride in anyway I wanted at that moment, I would have made the ride climb forever into the sky out of the fear that I will have to plummet down at some point. As I was torn between fear and excitement, I anticipated for the peak of the rollercoaster, the point when the ride would be sent into freefall. As if to answer my question, the seats in front of me dropped out of view.

There was a split second of uncertainness when the ride remained still. Then as if someone tipped over the first block in a field of dominoes, the ride began to accelerate. During the split seconds between the stillness and the freefall, my fear collided with my excitement. Needless to say, my fear won and my body entered a state of panic. Before I had the chance to brace my self or even for adrenaline to course through my body, the ride plunged down. My feet and buttocks rose off the seat as the exponential force of gravity took control. I felt certain that I would to shoot off the ride at any moment. I was going to plunge hundreds of feet and with a splat, crash onto the pavement below. I could see the headline now, "fatal tragedy, teen falls from rollercoaster".

The blockade that is my lips acted like a dam under too much pressure. At first, a small crack materialized and shot off a small pressurized stream, followed by the eventual and inevitable burst of torrent that was my scream. It was a good three seconds before I realized I had been screaming at the top of my lung and that my arms have been flapping helplessly in the air. My body instinctively forced my hand back to the iron bars. Meanwhile, frozen in terror, my mind watched helplessly as if it is trapped behind an unbreakable layer of glass. It never occurred to me to stop screaming, the sheer horror of the ride overwhelmed my mind. If someone offered to take me off the ride right there and then for everything I owed, I would have given the offer some serious consideration.

Freefalling from the coaster took no more than three seconds, yet it felt like hours before it ended. As the ride approached the plateau section, my buttock and feet dropped with a thud and found comfort in contacting solid objects. There was a shift of momentum as the sensation of being imprinted into the seat replaced the feeling of being shot off into the air. My hair fluttering in ways I thought only possible in movies. Meanwhile, my scream died down a cry in response to the transition in momentum. Traveling at neck breaking speed, my body is pressed into the seat and I strained to keep my head up. The coaster began to climb again, this time at tremendous speed. Out of breath, I gasped for air and for a moment, thought I had everything under control; only to be proven wrong as I let out another cry. Approaching freefall once again, the pitch and magnitude of the cry intensified in proportion to my anticipation, like the cry of a warrior charging into battle.

The following freefall experience was so frighteningly similar that someone might as well have rewind time and replayed my first freefall experience the way people watch a scene over and over again. What is great about rollercoaster is that the rush of freefalling does not diminish no matter how many times the person experienced it. Each slope felt refreshingly new yet frighteningly old at the same time. Every sense sharpened by adrenaline, I felt the wind in my hair, saw the flapping of arms all around me, and my muffled scream over the roaring wind. Time seemed to be in slow motion and everything seemed surreal. As ride ascended and descended, I wondered if I was experiencing reality, a flashback, or a premonition of time yet to come. Before I knew it, the ride halted to a stop. Dazed, I staggered out of the ride with a wide grin on my face that would last hours.

Even as my mind plays my experience on the ride now, I can feel my feet rise off the ground, feel the wind rushing through my hair, and hear my screams echoing in the air.

What is the assignment and its requirements?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Assignment: Write a recount of one memorable event that happened during your summer break.
Requirement:Must be written in a "hamburger format" with an opening paragraph, unspecified number of body paragraphs and a concluding paragraph. One page single spaced minimum.

Thanks; that helps.

Here are my suggestions:

"On a sunny day, time passed by slowly as I waited eagerly to ride and eons past by before my turn came. Gazing up to the gigantic roller coaster I was surprisingly calm. Having seen others ride the Behemoth and equipped with information from an over-exaggerated cartoons series, I thought I knew exactly what to expect. In truth (Remove comma) what was about to happen was beyond the border of my imagination. Behemoth, the biggest and fastest ride in Canada, would be the first rollercoaster I would ever ride in my life.

Having overheard the rumors and been through the endless lineup, my expectation for the prestigious Behemoth grew to mythical proportions. The roller coaster buzzed to life and rolled lazily up a ramp. As it struggled up the ramp, a tinge of excitement and fear crept over me. Although I have seen the Behemoth many times from afar, I never truly comprehended the enormity of it until that moment. While I admired the view I realized how high off the ground I was. If I could change the ride in anyway I wanted at that moment, I would have made the ride climb forever into the sky out of the fear that I would have to plummet down at some point. As I was torn between fear and excitement (Remove comma) I anticipated for the peak of the rollercoaster, the point when the ride would be sent into freefall. As if to answer my question, the seats in front of me dropped out of view.

There was a split second of uncertainness when the ride remained still. Then as if someone tipped over the first block in a field of dominoes, the ride began to accelerate. During the split seconds between the stillness and the freefall, my fear collided with my excitement. Needless to say, my fear won and my body entered a state of panic. Before I had the chance to brace my self or even for adrenaline to course through my body, the ride plunged down. My feet and buttocks rose off the seat as the exponential force of gravity took control. I felt certain that I would to shoot off the ride at any moment. I was going to plunge hundreds of feet and with a splat, crash onto the pavement below. I could see the headline now: "Fatal tragedy: Teen Falls from Roller Coaster."

The blockade that is my lips acted like a dam under too much pressure. At first, a small crack materialized and shot off a small pressurized stream, followed by the eventual and inevitable burst of torrent that was my scream. It was a good three seconds before I realized I had been screaming at the top of my lungs and that my arms had been flapping helplessly in the air. My body instinctively forced my hand back to the iron bars. Meanwhile, frozen in terror, my mind watched helplessly as if it was trapped behind an unbreakable layer of glass. It never occurred to me to stop screaming; the sheer horror of the ride overwhelmed my mind. If someone offered to take me off the ride right there and then for everything I owed, I would have given the offer some serious consideration.

Freefalling from the coaster took no more than three seconds (Remove comma) yet it felt like hours before it ended. As the ride approached the plateau section (Remove comma) my buttocks and feet dropped with a thud and found comfort in contacting solid objects. There was a shift of momentum as the sensation of being imprinted into the seat replaced the feeling of being shot off into the air. My hair fluttered in ways I thought only possible in movies. Meanwhile, my scream died down to a cry in response to the transition in momentum. Traveling at neck breaking speed, my body was pressed into the seat and I strained to keep my head up. The coaster began to climb again, this time at tremendous speed. Out of breath, I gasped for air and for a moment, thought I had everything under control (Remove comma) only to be proven wrong as I let out another cry. Approaching freefall once again, the pitch and magnitude of the cry intensified in proportion to my anticipation, like the cry of a warrior charging into battle.

The following freefall experience was so frighteningly similar that someone might as well have rewound time and replayed my first freefall experience the way people watch a scene over and over again during a movie. What is great about a roller coaster is that the rush of freefalling does not diminish no matter how many times the person experienced it. Each slope felt refreshingly new yet frighteningly old at the same time. Every sense was sharpened by adrenaline. I felt the wind in my hair, saw the flapping of arms all around me, and my muffled scream over the roaring wind. Time seemed to be in slow motion and everything seemed surreal. As the ride ascended and descended (Remove comma) I wondered if I was experiencing reality, a flashback, or a premonition of time yet to come. Before I knew it, the ride halted to a stop. Dazed, I staggered out of the ride with a wide grin on my face that would last hours.

Even as my mind plays my experience on the ride now, I can feel my feet rise off the ground, the wind rushing through my hair, and hear my screams echoing in the air."

Your format looks good and your descriptions are great. Some mechanical and spelling errors, but overall a very potent essay. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com