khzul
Member
Posts: 3
Joined: May 9, 08
Ref.#: 6446
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At the end of the 20th centery, the Mongolian political and economic system completely changed to the democratical system; then, many people fired from their job, which they didn't work for themselves. Consequently, there are several results of poverty in Mongolia, which are orphans, unemployment, and corruption.
First of all, one of the biggest results of poverty in Mongolia is the orphan who unwanted child in their family and live in the street. In fact, there are many impoverished people who get married and give birth a child. However, they don't have enough money to treat their child as well as the other people, so they leave their child in the street with nothing. Unfortunately, now this problem is beginning to become human traffic. Because day by day, the number of orphans is getting smaller than before.
Secondly, every country has unemployments, but in my country there are the older generation people who can't be hired for some positions even though they have enough experience and ability of job. Because many companies that have available postion for job; however, they all prefer to work with young people , no matter if they have ability or experience or not. That is why the older generation is becoming poor.
Finally, the corruption of my country was resulted in poverty. For example, almost everywhere when people get job or do something, we need to pay more. It is visible, people have already become accustomed to corruption because the poverty is influenced to people corrupt to each other.
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EF_Team5
 Moderator
Posts: 186
Joined: Apr 22, 08
Ref.#: 6449
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Good afternoon!
Here are my suggestions:
"At the end of the 20th centery (century), the Mongolian political and economic system completely changed to the democratical (a democratic) system; then, many people fired from their job, which they didn't work for themselves. (Rewrite to something like, "...as a result, many people were fired from their jobs because they did not work for themselves.") Consequently, there are several results of poverty in Mongolia, which are orphans, unemployment, and corruption. "...such as orphans, unemployment, and corruption."
First of all, one (Remove, start the sentence with "One..." of the biggest results of the poverty in Mongolia is the orphan who unwanted child in their family and live in the street ("...are the orphans who live in the street." . In fact, there are many impoverished people who get married and give birth a child. However, they don't have enough money to treat their child as well as the other people, so they leave their child in the street with nothing. Unfortunately, now this problem is beginning to become human traffic. Because day by day, the number of orphans is getting smaller than before.
Secondly, every country has unemployments (unemployment) , but in my country there are the older generations of people who can't be hired for some positions even though they have enough experience and ability of job ("job skills") . Because many companies that have available postion for job; however, they all prefer to work with young people , no matter if they have ability or experience or not. That is why the older generation is becoming poor. (Rewrite to something like, "Many companies have available positions, but prefer to hire younger employees, whether they are skilled or not. Because of this, the employment rate of older generations is raising, and their economic situation is worsening.") Finally, the corruption of my country was resulted in poverty. For example, almost everywhere when people get a job or do something, we need to pay more. It is visible, people have already become accustomed to corruption because the poverty is influenced to people corrupt to each other." The relationship between corruption and povery needs to be more pronounced here if you are going to use this in your essay; use examples to do this.
I hope this helps!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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