Peer Pressure Paper [feedback on intro needed]

Hey everyone, I'm writting my first paper for English 101, and it's about peer pressure. We read "Shooting an Elephant" by George Orwell and we're supposed to write about a time where we did something because of peer pressure that was against our own right judgment, like in the short story.

I'm not sure if I'm headed in the right direction, or if I even have a thesis statement in there.

Anyways, this is what I have so far for my introduction:

Have you ever done something to make others happy, even when you felt it was morally against your own right judgment? Peer pressure is pretty powerful. There's just something about a person, or a group of them, wanting, hoping, waiting for you to do something, that it's hard to look them in the face and say, "No." You don't want your peers to see you as a lesser person, a chicken, or a coward, but you also don't want to go against your own right judgment. Like in George Orwell's "Shooting an Elephant", I too have been faced with a tough decision where I could either stick to my own right judgment and disappoint my peers, or do something to please others at the cost of betraying my judgment.

Any feedback on anything would be greatly appreciated.
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Greetings!

I think you're off to a great start! Your thesis statement, the last sentence in the paragraph, is good. If you wanted to, you could be more specific in that sentence about what exactly that decision was "the time I had to ..." but it's not strictly necessary.

If you leave it as is, I'd suggest just a few comma adjustments, and a little tweaking:

As in George Orwell's "Shooting an Elephant," I, too, have been faced with a tough decision where I could either stick to my own right judgment and disappoint my peers, or do something to please others at the cost of betraying myself.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Hey Sarah, thanks for the reply.
^.^

I've tried messing around with trying to include what it is I did (drank hard liquor at the beach because I was with a group of 21-25 year olds), but I can't figure out a way to include it without making it akward or too long. If you have any suggestions as to how I can incorporate that in there I'd really appreciate it.

I'm also taking your suggestion on the comma adjustments and the tweaking.
Once again, thanks.
=]

Greetings!

Glad I could help! In order to include the specific incident, you'd have to rewrite the sentence quite a bit. Here's how I did it:

The time I had to choose between drinking alcohol with a group of older friends, and standing up to my convictions, created a dilemma for me like the one [name of character] faced in Orwell's "Shooting an Elephant."

However, I'm not really convinced that mine is necessarily better than the one you wrote. Yours is fine, too. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Hmmm.
I due until Thursday, so tomorrow I'm gonna take some time before class and ask one of the english proffessors for their opinion on both the sentences.

Thanks for all the help!
^.^

You're welcome!

Sarah, EssayForum.com