help on UF campus community essay

here it is...

Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.

The most significant event to have happened in my life was the day that I went from a middling writer, high school essayist and just an adolescent opinion to becoming a praised, recognized and most of all an accepted journalist. My attempts at making some sort of a printed milestone declaration were distorted as I transformed into something else, into something improved and for the benefit of all my followers. This all started with just one answered phone call, one idiom that was voiced through the telephone by the editor-in-chief of Teentime, one of the Sun-Sentinels journalism programs. I was officially accepted into Teentime, a program designed for students, like myself who valued all forms of culture, might that be entertainment, the art of intellect and distraction, or even current events. Having my name in print 600,000 times every week, or over a million people viewing it online, and the fact that it gets wired all across the country is what made me who I am today, a journalist explaining how if I can gain the attention of South Florida, I can do the same with the fraction of the size student body at the University of Florida.
My becoming of a journalist will contribute to the community of UF by capturing the thought of every student at the university. My words are stimulating; every sentence is like a beat that runs through you, causing you to take comfort in my means of rhythmic communication. UF's motto "Civium in moribus rei publicae salus" translates into "The welfare of the state depends upon the morals of its citizens". I flow parallel with the motto. The welfare of the University depends on the morals of the students, and if the morals are imprecise, they know they can seek assurance from me, ultimately making the welfare in complete stability. There is no greater feeling than when friends of mine in need promptly choose my outlook and base their views and decisions on what I have to contribute towards a topic. If people find themselves lost in conversation, all they have to do is look to me, and they will feel comfort with the advice I will give them. Being that UF is the third largest university in the U.S., with just over 50,000 people it would be a giant stretch to try and capture the attention of everyone. But if I was accepted into UF, I feel as though I could do it. I could be the one thing that everyone could have in common.
. Becoming a journalist at such a young age has made my entire family happy. My grandmother looked forward every Friday morning to see if my name was in the newspaper. Becoming a journalist changed me. A main reason why all of this will contribute to the UF campus is because UF chooses students on many factors, unlike FSU which claims to be solid academia, meaning only test scores and grades, UF looks at everything. They take the time to consider who I am, I am rich in character, and full of flavor and UF can never have too much of that. By becoming a journalist I gained the respect from all of my family, friends and many other people. People trust me with my words and take my advice. If I go to UF, I will probably write for the school newspaper, and hopefully the whole cycle will start over again. People at UF, will begin to know my name and in the great scheme of things, the one reporter that they know they can trust is me, and that is a great feeling to know already so soon. By being a journalist, I am not only a member of the press, but also a correspondent to the people; I have a great sense of satisfaction saying those few words. Towards the end of this year I hope to be wearing orange and royal blue and have the fulfillment of knowing that not only do dreams come true, but also if I could choose any animal to wear on my body, or be on my license plate, or banners around my bedroom, it would definitely be a gator. Just like author Michael Connelly, reporter Stephanie Abrams, and poet C. Dale Young I already see myself toping the list of the distinguished alumni class of 12'. Like Stevie Wonder said, "Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours."

advice, any?!

Greetings!

I went from a middling writer, high school essayist and just an adolescent opinion - You want your opening to be zippy, rather than clunky, and this sentence is a bit hard to wade through. What about a change like this: "I went from a middling high school essayist full of adolescent opinions..."

one of the Sun-Sentinel's [add apostrophe] journalism programs.

My becoming of a journalist will contribute to the community of UF by capturing the thought of every student at the university. - One important thing a journalist must learn to do is to say as much as possible with as few words as will do the job. You don't need to say "My becoming of a journalist" when "My becoming a journalist" means the same thing.

But if I was accepted into UF - When using the subjunctive after "if" use "were" instead of "was."

ultimately making the welfare in complete stability. - this phrase doesn't really make sense.

A main reason why all of this will contribute to the UF campus is because UF chooses students on many factors. Unlike FSU which claims to be solid academia, meaning only test scores and grades, UF looks at everything.

I think your essay would benefit from a little more concrete information and a little less "selling." You were asked to describe a meaningful accomplishment, but you don't spend much time talking about what your work at Teentime was like, or why you got that phone call. What types of articles did you write? What impact did your writing have on the community, and why? What was your most compelling story?

An admissions committee wants specific reasons why they should choose you over someone else. You don't want to attempt to persuade them through arm-twisting about how wonderful you are; you want to persuade them with real accomplishments. You obviously are accomplished, or you would not have achieved that honor; help UF to understand why you merited that position, with some specific examples. Then your writing will do the selling for you.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

// draft removed //

Greetings!

Yes, I think you've definitely improved it! I do have a few editing suggestions:

Your first sentence is still a bit too ambitious. The reader will tend to get lost while meandering through it. There are several ways you could simplify it. Here is one:

My high school passage could be described this way: I fell asleep as a middling writer, high school essayist and adolescent opinion, and woke up as a praised, recognized and--most of all--accepted journalist.

Teenlink, which is another publication I write for, that goes to every Broward county school. - this is a sentence fragment. Take out "which" and it won't be.

I already have experience writing for high school students, as I move on from high school I want to go with other students of my graduating class and while in college, still be able to have to same experience. - this is a run-on sentence. Put a period after the first "students."

It was a combination of my name printed over 600,000 times each week, or over a million people viewing it online, and the fact that it got wired all across the country is what made me who I am today, a journalist explaining how if I can gain the attention of South Florida, I can tackle the population of the University of Florida. - this is another overly ambitious sentence; simplify, simplify! :-)) When in doubt, read it out loud; if you can't do it all in one breath, it's probably too long!

A main reason why this will contribute to the UF campus is because UF chooses students on many factors, unlike FSU which claims to be solid academia, meaning only test scores and grades, UF looks at everything. - a run-on sentence. I'd put a period after "factors" then say something like, "In contrast, FSU claims to be solid academia, which means it looks only at test scores and grades. I like the fact that UF looks at everything."

People will begin to know my name and in the great scheme of things, the one reporter they know they can trust is I, and that is a great feeling to know already so soon. - It would be better to say "I am the one reporter they know they can trust, and that is a great feeling." When you add "to know already so soon" it weakens the impact.

Good job, and best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Falling asleep as a middling writer, high school essayist and just an adolescent opinion to waking up a recognized and most of all accepted journalist is the crossing I experienced in high school. This maturation, which I deem the most significant event to happen in my life, has trained and prepared me for numerous situations, allowing me to communicate to the world. Starting with just one answered phone call, one idiom voiced through the telephone by the editor-in-chief of Teentime, I was malformed into a shade of perfection, into something improved for the benefit of the youth. I was officially accepted into Teentime, a program designed for students like myself who valued all forms of culture, might that be the arts, entertainment or current events.
In Teentime I chose to primarily write film reviews, music reviews and live reviews. Starting the second you enter high school and ending the moment you leave, I managed to contribute until its demise with a discontinuation due to a fusion of papers alike. It was not just an activity I did once in a while, it was a full commitment. There were meetings I attended, press screenings so I could view the films in advance to analyze them, and workshops to sculpt my writing. This program lead me to interviewing actors such as Will Smith, Leonardo DiCaprio, Dijimon Honsou, Billy Bob Thornton, Emma Roberts and directors, Edward Zwick and the Polish brothers. I wrote article after article until my writing advanced to the point I won two awards at the 2007 Sun-Sentinel High School Journalism Awards. I received First place as film reviewer of the year, second place for film/music reviewer of the year and honorable mention as an entertainment writer for Teenlink, another publication I write for, sent to every Broward county school. Approximately 75,000 students read it. My name was printed over 600,000 times each week, Kyle Cowan was viewed over a million times online, and my work was wired all across the country. The combination of all of that and my online blog being viewed by thousands is what made me who I am today, a journalist explaining how if I can gain the attention of South Florida, I can tackle the population of the University of Florida. I already have experience reaching out to high school students, as I move on I want to go with my graduating class and still be able to deliver the same experience.
My growth into a journalist contributes to the community of the University of Florida by capturing the thought of every student. My language is stimulating; every word of every sentence is like a beat that runs through you, causing you to take comfort in my rhythmic communication. There is no greater feeling than when friends of mine in need promptly choose my outlook and base their views and decisions on what I have to contribute towards a topic. If people find themselves lost in conversation, all they have to do is look to me, and they will feel comfort with the advice I give them.
Becoming a journalist at such a young age made all my friends and family happy. My friends see if I like a movie before they see it, and my grandmother looked forward every Friday morning to see if my name was in the newspaper. A main reason why this will contribute to the University of Florida campus is shown in the acceptance process. By accepting students on many factors, unlike Florida State University, which claims to be solid academia, UF looks at everything, taking time to consider who I am. I am rich in character, and full of flavor, similar to a cup of. I compare myself to coffee because people feel different after drinking a cup. It gives you energy; it is stimulus to continue the day. I enlighten people all the time, giving them new and interesting conversation starters; some things are just better with coffee just how I have this hunch that the University of Florida will be better with me. People trust me with my words and with their trust I would love to write for the Independent Florida Alligator and hopefully watch the whole cycle start over again. People will begin to know my name, and in the great scheme of things, the one reporter they know they can trust is I, and that is a great feeling to know already so soon. I am not just a member of the press, but also a correspondent to the people. A great sense of satisfaction goes into saying those few words. Towards the end of this year I hope to be wearing orange and royal blue and have the fulfillment of knowing that not only do dreams come true, but if I could choose any animal to be dressed in, put on my license plate, or on a banner hanging in my bedroom, it would definitely be a gator. Like Stevie Wonder said, "Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours."



how about this?



and is it too long???? or can I just send it like this and hope for the best?

Greetings!

If there was no word limit given, then it is not too long, provided it says what it needs to say without going off-track; I think you're fine there.

Because your first sentence is the first introduction your reader has to your writing, it is arguably the most important part of the essay. I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but I really think your first sentence is still too awkward and hard to follow. I see what you are trying to say, but I think you could say it better by simplifying your sentence construction.

"Starting the second you enter high school and ending the moment you leave, I managed to contribute until its demise with a discontinuation due to a fusion of papers alike." - This sentence really does not make sense, I'm afraid. The first part "Starting the second you enter high school and ending the moment you leave" seems completely out of place and is also grammatically incorrect from the standpoint of voice. You begin with second person, then switch, after the comma, to first person. You could eliminate that first phrase and be better off. The next part, "with a discontinuation due to a fusion of papers alike" is incomprehensible to me.

If you're concerned about length, I'd consider cutting this:
"My language is stimulating; every word of every sentence is like a beat that runs through you, causing you to take comfort in my rhythmic communication." While it's well-written and would be great if you were using it to describe someone else's writing, say, in a critique, when using it to describe yourself it might be seen as a little pretentious. The committee reading the essay will make their own assessments of what effect your writing has on them.

I think you accidentally dropped a word here: "I am rich in character, and full of flavor, similar to a cup of." However, I think it would work better as a metaphor, so I'd suggest leaving off the "similar to" phrase.

I also think you should take out "some things are just better with coffee just how I have this hunch that the University of Florida will be better with me." It is not grammatically correct and your "hunch" is not really a solid reason why they will want to admit you.

You are a good writer, but I think perhaps your desire to impress the admissions committee is prompting you to try too hard. Admittedly, it's a fine line between presenting yourself in an impressive manner and overselling yourself; walk it carefully. And I strongly urge you to watch out for sentences which try to hold too much. Some of the most impressive prose is some of the simplest.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com