Concise narrative, meaningful event - Admission Essay

I was wondering if you guys would help me edit my essay...Here were the instructions:

"In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school. "


The limit is 500 words, and mine is about 620, so if you could, tell me what I could do without.

Thank you in advance!

THE ESSAY:





"Wow you're tall, do you play basketball?"
-"No, I don't play sports. I'm in band."
"You have an accent, are you from England?"
-"No, I was born in Orlando."
"You seem smart. Why aren't you in the Top 10?"
-"I don't know, my GPA's not high enough."


These are questions that I'm asked on a frequent basis, and I always return the same generic answers, but always with a smile on my face because I'm glad that I am not a stereotype. Ever since Elementary school I knew I wasn't like my fellow classmates. I stood nearly a foot taller than them, and I was the only one around who had an English accent.

I am a woman. And I am African American. Other African Americans have always told me that I don't act or sound black. That I'm similar to an oreo, white on the inside, black on the outside. To me I consider myself like most young American women: I take school seriously, I have dreams and goals for the future that I am determined to make happen, and I don't expect anyone to do the hard work for me. My grades have always been high and I'm especially proud of this because I don't naturally excel in all subjects. I challenge myself with difficult courses. Math has always been and ok subject of mine. Last year i took Pre-Calculus and practically struggled. I never gave up. In the end I passed the class and I'm taking AP Calculus next year and actually looking forward to it.

I don't understand how I could experience racial prejudice from my own race. I overcome this by connecting my self to only those who understand that being black is not a certain appearance or certain way of speaking. I have first hand experience that people don't look or act black. People ARE black. When I meet people who tell me that I don't act black enough, I tell them that I may be different than what they consider "black" is, but pure African blood runs through my veins. I am black in my mind, and black is who I am, not what I think I am.

Ever since I could remember, I've always been fascinated with a construction site and how things work. When I started Highschool. I joined the Engineering Magnet and my fascination turned into a passion and future career goal. I dream of becoming a Civil Engineer. Through my experiences in life I have heard the stereotype that engineering and construction aren't "suited" for women. I strongly disagree with this outdated assumption. This is a new generation where women are just as capable of being successful in any field of work that they aspire for. And I am determined to help prove this.

The thought of working and studying ot become a Civil Engineer always gives me the fuel to work hard. I'll have the power to make a difference. I can help solve important problems that are important to society.

The University of Florida offers the wide variety of courses that will get me where I want to be. At UF I know i wouldn't be pressured to have to act like someone I'm not in order to achieve acceptance.

I am determined to succeed but I know that I must overcome many more obstacles. Whenever I feel discouraged by the challenges that I'll face as an African American female pursuing a career in Engineering, I imagine what my life will be like in 10 years; I'll be running my own company of an all female crew of engineers with a Bachelor degree from the University of Florida under my belt.

My future is a prosperous one.

Greetings!

Sometimes just by shaving off a word here and there, you can whittle it down to where you need it. I got it down to 499 words, and did a little additional editing for you.

"Wow you're tall, do you play basketball?"
-"No, I'm in band."
"You have an accent, are you from England?"
-"No, I was born in Orlando."
"You seem smart. Why aren't you in the Top 10?"
-"My GPA's not high enough."

These are questions I'm asked frequently, and I always return the same generic answers, but with a smile on my face--I'm glad that I'm not a stereotype. Since elementary school I've known I wasn't like my fellow classmates. I stood nearly a foot taller, and I was the only one who had an English accent.

I am a woman and an African American. Other African Americans have always told me that I don't act or sound black. That I'm an Oreo, white on the inside, black on the outside. I have dreams and goals for the future that I am determined to make happen, and I don't expect anyone to do the hard work for me. My grades have always been high and I'm especially proud of this because I don't naturally excel in all subjects. I challenge myself with difficult courses. Last year I took Pre-Calculus and struggled. In the end I passed the class and I'm looking forward to taking AP Calculus next year.

I overcome racial prejudice from my own race by connecting with those who understand that being black is not a certain appearance or way of speaking. I have first-hand experience that people don't look or act black. People ARE black. When I meet people who tell me I don't act black enough, I tell them I may be different, but pure African blood runs through my veins. Black is who I am, not what I think I am.

I've always been fascinated with construction sites and how things work. When I started high school I joined the Engineering Magnet and my fascination turned into a passion and future career goal. I dream of becoming a Civil Engineer. I have heard the stereotype that engineering and construction aren't "suited" for women. I strongly disagree with this outdated assumption. Women are just as capable as men, and I am determined to help prove this.

The thought of studying to become a Civil Engineer gives me the fuel to work hard. I'll have the power to make a difference. I can help solve problems that are important to society.

The University of Florida offers the wide variety of courses that will get me where I want to be. At UF I know I wouldn't be pressured to act like someone I'm not in order to achieve acceptance.

I am determined to succeed but I know that I must overcome many more obstacles. Whenever I feel discouraged by the challenges that I'll face as an African American female pursuing a career in Engineering, I imagine what my life will be like in 10 years; I'll be running my own company of an all female crew of engineers with a Bachelor degree from the University of Florida.

I know you don't have room for it without deleting some more, but it would be nice if you could explain the English accent! I couldn't stop wondering why you have one! :-))

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com