jasonlee576
Member
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 25, 07
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Edited by: jasonlee576
Mar 25, 07, 03:01am ¦ #1
Provide Feedback/corrections. Thank YOu! J. Lee
#1
Although, I live in a rural area that generally lacked many academic opportunities beyond school when compared to other places in California, I have seriously pursued the available opportunities as well as one special opportunity far beyond my own surroundings. First, I have taken almost every single AP class my high school had to offer due to the fact that they provided me a chance to fully explore a subject area. Furthermore, I spent a large quantity of time to prepare for the AMC math competitions using various textbooks. Basically, the opportunities at home were limited to self-study and AP classes. The highlight of my academic opportunities, however, was the COSMOS program. I have been very fortunate to have participated in one of the most exciting and life changing experiences in my life. This UC- sponsored program has been the single most influential and helpful event in deciding my academic interests. Through my own personal desire to expand my intellectual appetite for the sciences, especially Biology, I searched countless websites for a program like COSMOS without much success at first. Then, as if God had given me the perfect chance, I found the COSMOS site and immediately got excited. Amazingly I got in. After going to the program, I became changed and assured that I truly want to make the sciences my passion. Now, I cannot see my life in the future where I am not involved in the sciences. This gift of excitement is what truly I believe will prepare me for the rigors of college.
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EF_Team2
Moderator
Posts: 2319
Joined: Mar 1, 06
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Edited by: EF_Team2
Mar 25, 07, 06:29pm ¦ #2
Greetings!
I'd be happy to provide you some feedback on your fine essay. :-)
"Although [delete comma] I live in a rural area that generally lacks many academic opportunities beyond school when compared to other places in California," [keep tenses consistent]
"due to the fact that" - this phrase always comes across as a little klunky; consider substituting "because"
"I spent a large quantity of time to prepare for" - Again, sometimes less is more; better might be "I spent a lot of time preparing for"
"life-changing" [add hyphen]
"This UC-sponsored program" [remove space]
"Amazingly I got in." - While I realize you are just expressing excitement about having gotten in, there is just a hint of "I wasn't sure I was good enough to get in" underlying this phrase. Better might be "I was thrilled when I was accepted." (If you do keep the phrase you have, put a comma after "Amazingly,"
"I became changed and assured" - this is a little bland; you are telling how excited you were, so using more exciting language would help. How about "I was invigorated and confident"?
I think it's great that you stress how excited you are about studying science--that's important and they'll want to know that you are motivated. You might also, however, want to give just a bit more detail about your specific scientific background or knowledge so that they know you are prepared as well as excited. Yes, you took AP courses, but perhaps you could give some specific examples of the ones you particularly excelled in? Just a thought.
Good job! Best of luck in your studies!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
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