My second essay

Please help me to revise my essay, thank you.
Compare to the last one I posted ( right on the last topic), which one is better?

6:45 pm, after I said the last "goodbye" to my mother, I walked into airport lounge.
7:00 pm, the KE968 flight took off. From this minute, I left the place I had lived for seventeen years.
I saw an air stewardess hanging a "Merry Christmas" decoration in the cabin wall. Christmas comes. Even though that was in China, western culture is gradually merged into this traditional country. Families become accustomed to reunite on Christmas, everyone else on this plane was going home, but me. I left my mother and was en route to another side of the world.
Now I have been away from my mother for almost one year. Every boy and girl I know around me here has his or her mum. I remember how I always "complained" this to my mum when I talked to her via the phone. Sometimes when someone's mum treats me like treats her daughter, I always felt thankful to her, and I started to miss my own mum. I envy my friends. Now the reason why I stay here from the first that I wanted to pursue more advanced education opportunities switch to a much more simple reason – for my mother. My mother is my best friend. The thing I will never forget about my childhood was, when I was young, my mum took me from kindergarten or later from elementary school every afternoon. I was sitting in the back of her bicycle, and I always liked to sang a Chinese children folk song to her, "My dear mum, you works hard everyday and comes home late. Sit down, please, mum, drink some hot tea, please. Let me kiss you, my dear mum." The melody still resounds around my ear now. That was the sweetest time everyday in my childhood.
I would say how unfair it is for me now; I would go to the airport and buy a ticket and back to China; I would tell my mum I should stay with her, but I did not. The eagerer I am, the more powers that force me to stay in the United States. Even though my mum is far away from me, I can always feel her love. Even though she can not support me everything in my life, she gives me a more important thing – my heart. Daughter's heart comes from a part of mother's heart, an old Chinese maxim says.
Why I can still smile in front of the world; why I can still enthusiastically strive for my dream, because of my mother. Life is about choices. My mother has given me the opportunity to either choose to enhance my future, or stay stagnates. Although the sacrifice is great, I have chosen to enhance my education. Although China offers a rigorous educational system, the American education is far more appealing to a student. We are encouraged to expand our horizons, and to learn outside of the textbook world. We are taught to use what we learn in the classroom and to apply it to our daily lives.
My mother has given me an opportunity to choose. And I've chosen to be the best student I can be. Even though my days are challenging, and at times I ask myself why life must be so hard at the age of eighteen, I remember my mother's loving eyes and remember the choice I've made – the responsibilities I've taken on. University of Maryland at College Park is a very large university with great diversity. This institution offers not only a strong education opportunity, but also the opportunity to grow as an Asian American women through cultural diversity and sense of community.

Greetings!

You have written an excellent essay that is very touching and clearly states the things that are most important to you. Congratulations!

Your English is very good. I see a few things that need correction, and I am glad to help. I'll look at it line-by-line with you:

"6:45 pm, after I said the last "goodbye" to my mother, I walked into airport lounge.
7:00 pm, the KE968 flight took off. From this minute, I left the place I had lived for seventeen years."

It's best not to start a sentence with numerals, but it's also best to write the time of day the way that you did. So maybe you could start with, "At 6:45 pm, after . . . " and "At 7:00 pm, the . . . "

"I saw an air stewardess hanging a "Merry Christmas" decoration in the cabin wall."

Change "in" to "on" and it will be fine.

"Christmas comes. Even though that was in China, western culture is gradually merged into this traditional country."

You need to capitalize "Western." That is customary when you to refer to the East and the West as regions.

"Families become accustomed to reunite on Christmas, everyone else on this plane was going home, but me."

I suggest inserting "and" after the first comma and taking out the second comma. You don't really need it unless you say, ". . . going home, everyone but me."--which actually might be better, come to think of it.

"I left my mother and was en route to another side of the world."

". . . the other side of the world" is more idiomatically correct.

"I remember how I always "complained" this to my mum when I talked to her via the phone."

You don't need the quotation marks around "complained," since this is literally what you were doing. (And there's nothing wrong with complaining to your mum; my kids do it all the time!) Also, you need to insert "about" after "complained," and it is better to say "on the phone" than "via the phone." Again, that's more idiomatically correct.

"Sometimes when someone's mum treats me like treats her daughter, I always felt thankful to her, and I started to miss my own mum."

I would leave out "Sometimes" since you're saying "always" later in the sentence. And use "feel" instead of "felt" and "start" instead of "started," since you are using the present tense in this sentence.

"Now the reason why I stay here from the first that I wanted to pursue more advanced education opportunities switch to a much more simple reason – for my mother."

This sentence is suffering a bit of confusion! It looks like a cut-and-paste mistake, or a revision that you didn't quite finish. I think you are trying to say that your reason for staying in the U.S. has changed from a desire for educational opportunities to a desire to honor your mother. Is that correct?

"The thing I will never forget about my childhood was, when I was young, my mum took me from kindergarten or later from elementary school every afternoon. I was sitting in the back of her bicycle, and I always liked to sang a Chinese children folk song to her, "My dear mum, you works hard everyday and comes home late."

You might try saying, "I will never forget how my mum picked me up from kindergarten, and later from elementary school, every afternoon and sat me on the back of her bicycle." You don't really need to state that this happened in your childhood and that you were young, because the reader understands that when you mention kindergarten.

Also, it is correct to say "on the back of her bicycle" rather than "in the back." Then you could start the new sentence with, "I always liked to sing . . . " (not sang, which is past tense). Use a colon instead of a comma before quoting the song. In the song lyrics, did you mean to say "works" and "comes"? If that is a literal translation, it's OK, but otherwise you don't need the "s" on the end of either word.

"The melody still resounds around my ear now."

This would be better as "The melody still resounds in my ears."

"That was the sweetest time everyday in my childhood.

I know what you mean here, but it might sound better as "That was the sweetest time of the day in my childhood."

"I would say how unfair it is for me now; I would go to the airport and buy a ticket and back to China; I would tell my mum I should stay with her, but I did not."

Do you mean that you "want" to do these things when you use the word "would"? If you substitute "want," then you could end the sentence with "but I will not."

"The eagerer I am, the more powers that force me to stay in the United States."

English is such a tricky language! The correct way to say "eagerer" is "more eager."

"Even though she can not support me everything in my life, she gives me a more important thing – my heart."

What a lovely thought! You just need to insert "in" between "me" and "everything."

"Why I can still smile in front of the world; why I can still enthusiastically strive for my dream, because of my mother."

It would be better to say, "The reason I can" instead of "Why I can." Also, use a comma instead of a semi-colon and insert "is" before "because."

"My mother has given me the opportunity to either choose to enhance my future, or stay stagnates."

It would be better to change the end of the sentence to ". . . or stay still and stagnate." (No "s" on "stagnate.")

"This institution offers not only a strong education opportunity, but also the opportunity to grow as an Asian American women through cultural diversity and sense of community."

"Education" needs to be "educational."

You should be proud of this essay, as I'm sure your mother is proud of you. You have done a very brave thing in coming to another country to study, and I admire you greatly. Good luck with your essay and with your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com