Undergraduate Admission Essay Correct Please

Thanks for all the help Sarah and if you could please correct this last essay, I would be EXTREMELY GRATEFUL!!



Simon Chu
11-06-1987
Personal Statement

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the field developed and any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your activities.

College majors are one of the toughest decisions that students across the world make. Being an incoming junior, I have to choose diligently as the major I select will have a big impact on my life. Psychology is the major I intend to major in because my interest in this field grew due to my life experiences and my employment. When I started to work at Albertson's, a grocery store, I saw a need for reform. One day on a break from working, I saw a drunk who came into my store and started yelling. I realized he must have had a mental disorder and I never saw him again. This incident persuaded me that our society needed to be treated for disorders. When I entered the doors of my psychology class at Merritt College, Mr. Slaughter, psychology teacher, greeted me and welcomed me into his class. I began to get interested into subjects such as phobias and disorders. A disorder that made me admire psychology was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was a disorder that was common in war veterans. Psychology has influenced me to be more accepting of mental patients and I hope to major in this field.

Hey Sarah! Just wondering about the progress of my essay. Thanks for all the help!

Hello again, Simon!

Sorry to take so long to get to this--we've been extremely busy! I hope you'll get this post by morning.

OK, here we go:

"Being an incoming junior, I have to choose diligently as the major I select will have a big impact on my life."

Change "Being" to "As" and put a comma after "diligently."

"Psychology is the major I intend to major in because my interest in this field grew due to my life experiences and my employment."

Change the first "major" to "subject" and end the sentence after "major in." Start the next sentence with "My interest in this field . . . " End the paragraph with this sentence.

"One day on a break from working, I saw a drunk who came into my store and started yelling."

How about this: "One day while I was taking a break, a drunk came into my store and started yelling."

"I realized he must have had a mental disorder and I never saw him again."

Put a comma after "disorder" and change "and" to "although."

"This incident persuaded me that our society needed to be treated for disorders."

You might want to change this to "many in our society need to be . . . ", since not everyone needs treatment. :-)

"When I entered the doors of my psychology class at Merritt College, Mr. Slaughter, psychology teacher, greeted me and welcomed me into his class."

Insert "my" before "psychology teacher."

"I began to get interested into subjects such as phobias and disorders."

Change "into" to "to" and add "other" before "disorders."

"A disorder that made me admire psychology was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was a disorder that was common in war veterans."

It might be better to say "A condition that I found interesting was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder that is common in war veterans."

"Psychology has influenced me to be more accepting of mental patients and I hope to major in this field."

Do you "hope" to major in it, or "plan" to?

Another good essay, Simon. Best of luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Thanks for all your help Sarah
You have made me feel more confident in sending in my essay.
Thanks!

You're welcome, Simon! You have every reason to be confident.

Sarah