yr_0331
Member
Posts: 11
Joined: Nov 21, 06
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Any one can help me to revise this college essay? It is very important for me, your help will me invaluable for me!!
Thank you!
Question:
At the University of Maryland, we value a diverse community. How have your life experiences and background shaped you into an individual who will enrich the UM community? (2-3 page double space)
327 days ago, through 14 hours' 8579 miles flight, I finally stood in the land of United States. The flesh air in Washington D.C. woke me up from long time a journey's drowse. I looked around, drizzles made the sky over Dulles Airport hazy. Without exciting, I dragged my heavy suitcase passed through the airport big buildings, hallways, and parking lot. Every thing was gray in my eye, the sky, buildings, ground, people, and even buses. Is this America? Am I sitting on the long time flight and still dreaming? A Chinese family picked my families and me from the airport. I felt uncomfortable by looking at the sidewalk, no skyscrapers, no colorful neon lights, no huge advertisements. When the car was running in the endless highway I doubt that if I was sent to a never-land. Disappointed, that was my first impression of the new life in United States.
The following days did not become much better. The biggest problem I encountered was language barrier. I remembered one day I was walking with my dad on the street, when a lady said "hello" to us, my reaction was, said "hello" to her in CHINESE. Actually no one else in my family could speak English at that time, because of this, I became the one who negotiated with owners in order to rent an apartment, and dealt with monthly bills; who read any English contracts and mails, and even bargained in the supermarkets, although my English skills were still limited. Another problem I had to cope with was loneliness. I remembered the day was Christmas when I was in the air plane which departed from China, everyone else was going home and _______ with their families, but I had to leave my mum, leave my grandma, leave my friends, and leave the city I had been lived for seventeen years. The first few periods I always cried at night. Things that had happened in the past seventeen years always came to my mind, even in my dreams everyday were all about my hometown. There was not telephone or internet at home, I completely lost contact with them. Once a Chinese little boy gave me some Chinese songs, then I listened to them at dinner myself, I cried, how familiar those melodies were. I imaged that I was walking on the campus in my old school; I was hanging out with my friends at the table.____________________ ( any sentence can be filled here?) The transitions here in school were rough. I could not understand what my classmates were talking about or laughing at; every lunch I had to sit alone because I did not have friends to sit with. I totally isolated myself from the ______ (???). The relationships among members of my family became more and more complicated, my dad had bad mood and complain how _____ ( need an adj. describe bad) our lives were day and night since he could not find a job due to his language barrier. He had ever told me, my life brimmed with hardships everywhere, but never had such bitter like now. Later, he decided to bring me back to China. He said he could not offer a good living here for me. I came here for my future, for my dream, however, if I had been told to leave, which I should choose? I persist in my goal -- I want to study in America, I told my father. I tried to show him how things could change. Everything from laundry to bills became my responsibility, while I still kept my grades high. When the first time I got straight As on my report card and showed him, he smiled. He said I became a more independent young woman after I came to the United States. Now my dream is not for myself, but for my father. His struggles are my struggles. I should study harder and harder, I should go to college, to pursue further knowledge, to change our life, to let him be proud of me.
These hardships I experienced became invaluable to my life. I joined Howard County Health Expo few months ago. As an interpreter, I helped some elders who came from China to get to know about Howard County's healthy care system, and assisted them to finish health inspections. By talking to them, I knew that they had children and relatives here; they were still lonely, because they were new to this country. I can understand their feelings since I had experienced how hard the transitions were.
Not everyone is lucky enough to live in two different worlds. I am familiar with Chinese culture and able to adapt to America's life. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to UM since schools now have become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardships in adjusting to the new environment when they first come, so I will be of assistance to them. UM is a diverse community, students here come from different places. I am planning to organize an America Help Union in the UM if I could be part of the school. The purpose of this union is to help those people who are new in this country. At the same time, I can foster understanding of cultural diversity within the UM community, making it not only a university, but also a world village.
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EF_Team2
Moderator
Posts: 2319
Joined: Mar 1, 06
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Greetings!
Your essay does an excellent job of conveying how challenging it is to be suddenly thrust into a brand new culture and feel very isolated. Your command of English is good for someone who has not been speaking and writing it for a long time. However, as with any language, grammar can be tricky, and there are also certain ways of expressing things that might be technically grammatically correct, yet not be the way a native English speaker would say it.
Some things to get you started with editing:
Don't start a sentence with a number: "Three hundred twenty-seven days ago ... "
In English, nouns generally require articles: "through a 14-hour, 8,579-mile flight"
"the land of the United States." - but that sounds like a foreigner talking. Just say, "the United States."
"Without exciting," - I'm not sure what you are trying to say here; just take this phrase out and it'll be fine.
"I dragged my heavy suitcase passed through " - take out "passed"
"I doubt that if I was sent to a never-land." - say, "I began to doubt I had been sent to a never-land."
I can't go through the entire essay for you and correct the whole thing, but I would strongly suggest that, if at all possible, you get an English-speaking friend to read it and make suggestions. If that's not possible, go through it sentence by sentence and double-check your grammar and sentence construction.
You have a great start here, just polish it up a little and it will shine!
Thanks,
Sarah
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EF_Team2
Moderator
Posts: 2319
Joined: Mar 1, 06
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Greetings, again!
You've done a good job of revision! I'll be glad to help with finishing details. Let's take it line-by-line:
"It started 374 days ago, through 14 hours and 8579 miles flight, I finally arrived in the United States of America."
That's a much better way to begin. However, it would be better to say "when after" instead of "through."
"A young Chinese boy gave me some songs from China, as I listened to them at dinner I was so homesick."
Insert "and" between "China," and "as."
"He said, "My life had brimmed with hardships everywhere, but I never had such bitter like now."
If this is a direct translation of what your father said, then it's fine; if not, then you should change "bitter" to "bitterness." Bitter is an adjective and bitterness is the noun form.
"Since the days went by, when seeing me how to cope with hardships here and strive to pursue further understanding for life, he was very encouraged, saying I had become a much more independent young woman since coming to the United States."
You need to take "how to" out of "seeing me how to cope." Also, it would be better to start the sentence with "As the days went by."
"I remembered when the second day I came to America, I was walking with my father down the street, a lady greeted us with a "hello".
"I remember the second day in America, while I was walking . . . " would be smoother.
"My immediate response was, saying "hello" in Chinese!"
You don't really need a comma after "was."
"English barrier is a serious problem I needed to face."
Insert "The" at the beginning of the sentence. English nouns almost always need an article in front of them, especially when you are speaking formally.
"I am planning to organize an America Help Union, which's purpose is to help the students who are new in this country, in the University of Maryland diverse campus if I could be part of the school."
Actually, "which's" is not a word in English, although it makes sense the way you've used it. It's just one of those weird rules you come to learn over time. The most correct way to say it would be ". . . Union, the purpose of which is to help . . . " If you don't want to sound that formal, you could say ". . . Union, whose purpose . . . " You're really only supposed to use "whose" when referring to people, not things, but in my opinion, a union is made up of people, so you could get away with using it.
One more thing about that sentence: you need to say "the University of Maryland's." The possessive form is called for because the campus belongs to them.
You have an excellent essay--congratulations! I think the University of Maryland will be very lucky to have you!
Good luck!
Sarah, EssayForum.com
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