common app short essay - volunteering please help! :)

Hi :) this common app short essay has to be 150 words or fewer.
i wrote about vounteering for community service.
mine is currently 216 words, and i cannot make it shorter =( ahhhh
please take a look! Thank you :)
also please give me a feedback =) Thanks!

On Friday afternoons, I meet senior citizens at Sunrise Senior Center and play piano and flute. Challenges abound in Alzheimer's care: someone needs to use the bathroom every second or is so sick that calling 911 is necessary. At first, the time I spent there seemed meaningless. However, after observing a resident's tears, I never again thought about quitting.

One day, I played Take Me Home, Country Roads. After the performance, Mary, a resident, moved next to me. Tears streamed down her face. She said, "Will you play this song again?" I nodded and began to sing and play again.

As the song approached the climax, I stopped. I moved Mary's wheelchair beside the piano and said, "Mary, I need your help to finish this song. Would you hold my hand?" She held it in both of hers. We successfully finished the song. No longer crying, Mary looked satisfied. The manager said, "You made Mary think of this place as home."

I still spend my Fridays with senior citizens. A moment with these citizens gratifies me. They gave me precious opportunities to discover myself and realize a different aspect of life. They enriched my life with innocence and love. Next year, I'll find a new home that's miles away, but they'll always be by my side.

EssayForum Academic Writing and Research Help :]	Faq . Search . Register All Threads / Unanswered	Welcome, Guest from 38.103.63.60
» Username: » Password: [Forgot password?] Only registered students may post here. Please login or REGISTER first.

californiagirl Member Threads: 2 Posts: 2 Joined: Oct 8, 08	Edited by: californiagirl Oct 8, 08, 11:17pm ¦ #1 Hi :) this common app short essay has to be 150 words or fewer. i wrote about vounteering for community service. mine is currently 216 words, and i cannot make it shorter =( ahhhh please take a look! Thank you :) also please give me a feedback =) Thanks! On Friday afternoons, I meet senior citizens at Sunrise Senior Center and play piano and flute. Challenges abound in Alzheimer's care: someone needs to use the bathroom every second or is so sick that calling 911 is necessary. At first, the time I spent there seemed meaningless. However, after observing a resident's tears, I never again thought about quitting. One day, I played Take Me Home, Country Roads. After the performance, Mary, a resident, moved next to me. Tears streamed down her face. She said, "Will you play this song again?" I nodded and began to sing and play again. As the song approached the climax, I stopped. I moved Mary's wheelchair beside the piano and said, "Mary, I need your help to finish this song. Would you hold my hand?" She held it in both of hers. We successfully finished the song. No longer crying, Mary looked satisfied. The manager said, "You made Mary think of this place as home." I still spend my Fridays with senior citizens. A moment with these citizens gratifies me. They gave me precious opportunities to discover myself and realize a different aspect of life. They enriched my life with innocence and love. Next year, I'll find a new home that's miles away, but they'll always be by my side. minji kim

EF_Team5 Moderator Threads: - Posts: 2702 Joined: Apr 22, 08	Oct 9, 08, 07:35am ¦ #2 Good morning. This is a great story; in order to shorten it, how about reworking the first section. Since the essay is about Mary specifically, try to open it up to her story. Regards, Gloria Moderator, EssayForum.com Gloria, EssayForum.com

joseph0807 Member Threads: - Posts: 1 Joined: Dec 28, 08	Dec 28, 08, 03:23pm ¦ #3 your essay is just fake. I have heard of this story many times, and this just won't work. This is a rip off from a famous story where a singer sang "danny boy". You just changed the setting to a volunteer work and substituted different people. With this type of dishonesty, you won't get in to any of the schools that you want to get in. you are a disgrace of all koreans. Joseph Kim

Newer thread in this forum:	Older thread in this forum:
"My mother's diagnosis" - admission essay --Vires	My moral strength: parents and my Catholic education -FSU application essay