UC ADMISSION ESSAY: YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK

Prompt #2 (all applicants)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Essay

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Need help with grammar/tenses and suggestions. Thank you in advance!

Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"When you grow up, you going to be a doctor, a DOCTOR!" My mom has no regard for my aspirations or desires for life except for her perception of the ideal career. When I was younger, my mom's incessant pleas were finally put to silence when I visited Yosemite National Park for the first time in my life.
"Ready, Set, Fight!" My arms tense and palms sweating, I quickly struck the controller at full force, making sure the correct sequence of buttons were pressed to perform the hyper-combo that will finally allow me to beat the boss. I had been playing on my Super-Nintendo that entire morning in an attempt to finally finish the game. My mom had walked in into the living room, calling out my name but I so fixated on the game I reluctantly responded. Before I had the chance to answer, she was standing in front of the television, blocking my view and establishing her authority over me. She informs me that I had to get dressed because we were heading to Yosemite National Park.
I strongly protested against this but there was no reasoning with my mom. I stood up and reluctantly walked to my room to get dressed. In a weak attempt to cheer me up, my mom claimed the new experience has a "spectacular view that will be life-changing." Believing that she was merely reading that off the brochure, I strongly doubted her.
As we arrived closer to the park, there were trees as far as the eye could see and the unbelievable open space, without any house or stores like it is back home, yet I was still skeptical about the whole trip. The tour guide showed us numerous places such as the Giant Sequoias, countless streams, and a couple of mountain views, some of which I thought were very "awe-inspiring." One site in particular that I found very enticing was the Bridal Veils Waterfall, a 620 foot drop that was magnificent in size and as well as in view. The unbelievable sight quickly destroyed any skepticism I had about the trip. Amidst the constant pounding of the waters violently onto the rocks, I was able to feel a sense of peace and tranquility at the breathtaking view. It was a mind blowing experience and that view of Bridal Veils Fall was embedded into my mind. With almost every aspect of this trip affecting me in some way, I wanted to see more and more of the views that nature had created. I was definitely surprised of how my feelings about the trip had changed over the course of a just few hours. My mind was racing with the possibilities and surprises that the outdoors had to give. The sense of peace that I felt at the sight of the Bridal Veils Fall, the sensual fragrance of the streams, the cool breeze that I felt gently brushed onto my face. In that single moment, I realized this was where I wanted to be.
Sadly, the day came to an abrupt end as I was already heading back home. The trip was definitely "life-changing" as my mom had said it would be. As we approached our apartment complex, what was once very spacious, was now microscopic compared to the things I saw that day. I glanced over at my Super-Nintendo, hoping to find something closure (What do you mean here? This is confusing.) , but all I saw were endless acres of trees and the Giant Sequoias that stood like skyscrapers. My perspective had completely changed; instead of being confined by walls, I yearned to be outside.
There is always sense of peace and happiness whenever I reminisce about the trip to Yosemite Park. I desire to come back one and day experience the same breakthrough that completely change my outlook on life. I was a closed and unsocial child, oblivious of environment but the trip to Yosemite truly help shape my personality and character."

How else has this trip changed you? What about your perspective and personality is altered? That would be a great addition to an already good essay.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thank You for fixing the grammatical errors. "hoping to find something closure" At first, I was trying to make an attempt to express the fact that I became dissatisfied with the stuff I saw at home. I looked toward the Super-Nintendo in order to find some satisfaction but then i realized, it did bring great happiness but now it is nothing compared to the experience at Yosemite Park. I will continue to work on this paper, but if you have any more suggestions, such as rewording some sentences or adding/deleting stuff, please tell me so i can improve the content of this essay. I want this essay to reflect my personality and character to its fullest extent. Thank YOU! =]

You're very welcome.

It sounds like the finished product will be a very nice text.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

I have revised and revised the essay, this is possibly my finish product. Can i have some insight on the content of the essay. Any suggestion is greatly appreciated. Thank you in Advance.


"When you grow up, you're going to become a doctor, a DOCTOR!"
Even before I had the chance choose a career, my path had already been predetermined by my mother. Her incessant pleas however, were finally put to silence when I visited Yosemite National Park for the first time in my life.
"Ready, set, fight!" With my arms tense and palms moist, I quickly struck the controller at full force. I had been playing my Super Nintendo gaming console that entire morning when my mother walked into the living room and called out my name. Because I was so fixated on the activity at hand, I reluctantly answered. Before I had the chance to object, she planted herself in front of the television and imposed her authority over me. She told me that I had to be dressed because we were heading to Yosemite National Park. I despised the idea of leaving the comfort of my home to a place that I have never been to or even heard of before. I prefer the familiarity of my surroundings and as a result, I protested against this sudden decision. However, my mom begged to differ; she claimed the park had a "spectacular view that would be life-changing." Believing that she merely read from the brochure, I strongly doubted her but with little that I could do, I headed toward my room to change.
As we approached Yosemite National Park, the view of the city slowly began to fade away until all one could see was a multiple of trees. Once we arrived, a park ranger guided us to many different locations; one site in particular that I found very enticing was the Bridal Veils Waterfall. It had been described as a 620 foot drop that is was truly magnificent in both terms of size and view. Amidst the constant pounding of the waters, I felt a warm sensation that engulfed my entire body; my mind was in awe at the marvelous view. The unbelievable sight quickly removed any regrets that I had about the trip. This experience was beyond comparison to anything I have ever felt; it had provided me with a different perspective on life. I accepted the situation, understood what I came to learn, and used that experience to further influence my life. The actual path that I am destined to take is no longer of importance to me but rather the amount of growth that I can acquire on that path. During this trip to Yosemite National Park, my outlook on life matured and I along with it.
Sadly, the week came to an abrupt end as I returned home. The trip was definitely life-changing as my mother had said it would be. As we approached our apartment complex which in my mind was once very spacious, was now microscopic compared to the things I saw that day at Yosemite National Park. I felt confined in the walls around me and I desired to be outside. I was then aware that my preference had completely changed; I was astonished by the experience and the effects it had on me. The optimistic side of life became very clear as I saw the variety of possibilities in the future and I truly believed that I could have overcome anything obstacles.
There is always a sense of joy whenever I reminisce about my trip to Yosemite National Park. I am proud of how much growth I accumulated on that day and the optimistic view that was established in place of my indifferent views continues to shine to this day. I hope to come back one day and experience the same breakthroughs that have greatly impacted my life. As for my mom mother, she no longer wants me to be a doctor but...
"When you grow up, make LOTS and LOTS of money!"

please help me with mine