"There is a trace of each of these old values" - FSU Essay Evaluation

I'm sure you already know the FSU essay by now. Thats what I wrote about. What are your thoughts please? Any suggestions? Do you think the content is well written? Thank you for your assistance.

After looking back at my life and the things I do on a day to day basis,
I've come to realize that there is a trace of each of these values reflected in my life,
which is why I strongly believe I would be a great asset to the Florida State community.

Vires deals with strength of many kinds. My moral strength keeps me on track.
Whether I'm studying for my vocab test every Friday and tuning out the television, or making sure I'm finishing up washing the dishes and taking out the trash. I pride myself in making the right decisions and knowing right from wrong.
I'm not one of those body builders you see on tv, but nonetheless my physical strength revolves around staying fit and healthy. I try my best to make room for jump roping and getting on my treadmill at least three times a week, one hour a
day. My intellectual strength helps me not only excel in the classroom but in everyday issues. No body is perfect but when I learn from my mistakes, like remembering to not put colors in with the whites when doing laundry, I try to improve and get a little better each time.

Artes refers to skill, craft, art, and the beauty one finds in it. I think everyone has a skill, they just have to find it. I love drawing sketches of cartoons, I don't know why, but nevertheless I have tons of sketch books filled with Spongebob and Homer Simpson. I have always been labeled as a creative person by my friends. I like to think outside the box, and find alternative ideas to problems whether I'm doing a science project or trying to find the quickest way to Wal-Mart. I see myself as more of a leader than a follower. Just because all my friends think the new jacket I bought is ugly, it doesn't stop me from wearing it to every football game. I always had a knack for business, and that is why I'm majoring in Business Administration. Hopefully one day I will own my own business and clothing line.

Mores demonstrates character, custom, or tradition. Tradition reflects my life, probably because my family has so much of it. Most of my family is from the Caribbean island Trinidad & Tobago. It is pretty fascinating because I get to experience two completely different cultures and the traditions and customs of a different country. I can honestly say that being exposed to that has influenced me into the person I am today. Whether I'm eating a mango from the backyard or dancing to some Soca music, I'm proud of my tradition, and I hopefully one day I will be embracing customs like the war chant, and other traditions of Florida State University.

Good evening.

Here are my suggestions:

"After looking back at my life and the things I do on a day to day basis,
I've come to realize that there is a trace of each of these values reflected in my life,
which is why I strongly believe I would be a great asset to the Florida State community. (Watch the use of casual contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate.)

Vires deals with strength of many kinds. My moral strength keeps me on track.
Whether I'm studying for my vocab test every Friday and tuning out the television, or making sure I'm finishing up washing the dishes and taking out the trash. I pride myself in making the right decisions and knowing right from wrong.
I'm not one of those body builders you see on TV, but nonetheless my physical strength revolves around staying fit and healthy. I try my best to make room for jump roping and getting on my treadmill at least three times a week, one hour a
day. My intellectual strength helps me not only excel in the classroom but in everyday issues. No body is perfect but when I learn from my mistakes, like remembering to not put colors in with the whites when doing laundry, I try to improve and get a little better each time.

Artes refers to skill, craft, art, and the beauty one finds in it. I think everyone has a skill, they just have to find it. I love drawing sketches of cartoons, I don't know why, but nevertheless I have tons of sketch books filled with Spongebob and Homer Simpson. I have always been labeled as a creative person by my friends. I like to think outside the box, and find alternative ideas to problems whether I'm doing a science project or trying to find the quickest way to Wal-Mart. I see myself as more of a leader than a follower. Just because all my friends think the new jacket I bought is ugly, it doesn't stop me from wearing it to every football game. I always had a knack for business, and that is why I'm majoring in Business Administration. Hopefully one day I will own my own business and clothing line.

Mores demonstrates character, custom, or tradition. Tradition reflects my life, probably because my family has so much of it. Most of my family is from the Caribbean islands of Trinidad and Tobago. It is pretty fascinating because I get to experience two completely different cultures and the traditions and customs of a different country. I can honestly say that being exposed to that has influenced me into the person I am today. Whether I'm eating a mango from the backyard or dancing to some Soca music, I'm proud of my tradition, and I hopefully one day will be embracing customs like the war chant (Remove comma) and other traditions of Florida State University."

Nice work. You take time to discuss each of the philosophies briefly, giving your essay a well-roundedness that makes it flow nicely as well as makes it easy to read. Good job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thanks for the feedback, what exactly does that mean "casual contractions in formal academic writing?"

You're welcome.

Just that; relaxed "can't", "won't", etc. These are things we use because we are linguistically lazy. Formal academic writing, such as that expected of you at the collegiate level and above, should not contain such fainéants.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Ok thanks!
Sheldon Louis

You are very welcome.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com