Short Answer Essay, my transition is a little bumpy..

Hi,

I was wondering if my short answer is sufficient for the prompt. With the common application, should I spend less words trying to sound creative and focus more on describing what I actually DO instead? or should I stick with the more creative introduction and give vague references to my responsibilities? When I read through this, I feel that the transition between the intro and the activity is a little bumpy, so any recommendations for smoothing the transition of ideas will be much appreciated! Thanks so much!

-Eug

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Where is my ability to freeze time so that I can turn eighteen, while the world crystallizes in this moment? It is filed beside my "Hilary for President" pins, alongside my other ended hopes. Yet, instead of dwelling on this disappointment, I grab for newer opportunities. By becoming an intern for Barack Obama's campaign I have lifted the bell jar between simulated experiences and real life. No longer does my interest for politics fall into the dead-end ears of debate judges, but into the real minds of voters. For this unprecedented moment I persuade, train, and lead voters. A twenty-minute conversation with an undecided Vietnam War veteran pivots from his cucumber garden to the economy, and then from health care to social security. When I hang up, I will have contributed to history, even if I do not have superpowers to allow me to vote this election year.

Good evening.

In the common app, it is usually best to use the brief space you have to explain what you do. There will be time later on in other essays for your creativeness to shine, but the common app is so short and sweet that it is the first brief presentation you have of yourself; it is a first impression.

Your essay is grammatically and mechanically clean. It's not too showy, but you could expand a little upon what your responsibilities are. How do you interact with voters? Your intro and conclusion tie together nicely and bundle up the piece very well. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

thanks for the info and suggestion!

You're very welcome.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com