"I am unique" - UCF admission essay- please edit

What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

I imagine that if I asked the people who know me best to describe me in one word, the word would probably be unique (regardless if "odd" was what they were really thinking). Throughout my life, I have always stayed true to myself, or "marched to the beat of my own drum" as my Grandmother always called it. Even during the not always pleasant adolescent experience known as high school, I never let other people's opinions affect me. I never stayed home on a Friday night because my hair wouldn't do what I wanted it to, or refused to wear a bathing suit in public because I thought my thighs were too big. Considering the fact that I am a 17 year old girl in today's society, I think that makes me unique. To me, your opinion of yourself matters more than that of anyone else. I am proud to say that I never tried to get straight blonde hair and the perfect tan like 85% of the girls in my class, or bought certain clothes because it was the "in" thing to do. I did however wear converse sneakers to the prom, and showed up on my first day of senior year with crooked bangs that I cut myself. At the end of the day, I'm perfectly happy with what I was born with, the pale complexion and the curly brown hair that often looks like it needs its own zip code. I think the qualities and characteristics I posses that would allow me to contribute to the UCF community, is that I try to show everyone I meet that you can't judge a book by its cover, that I strive to eliminate stereotypes, change people's preconceived notions, and show my peers that it truly is what's on the inside that counts. I know that there are other candidates with better grades and higher test scores, but I also know that if given the chance, I would do everything in my power to prosper and become a contributing part of the UCF community.

Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"I imagine that if I asked the people who know me best to describe me in one word, the word would probably be unique (regardless if "odd" was what they were really thinking). Throughout my life, I have always stayed true to myself, or "marched to the beat of my own drum" as my grandmother always called it. Even during the not always pleasant adolescent experience known as high school, I never let other people's opinions affect me. I never stayed home on a Friday night because my hair wouldn't do what I wanted it to, or refused to wear a bathing suit in public because I thought my thighs were too big. Considering the fact that I am a 17 year old girl in today's society, I think that makes me unique. To me, one's opinion of oneself matters more than that of anyone else. I am proud to say that I never tried to get straight blonde hair and the perfect tan like 85% of the girls in my class, or bought certain clothes because it was the "in" thing to do. I did however wear Converse sneakers to the prom, and showed up on my first day of senior year with crooked bangs that I cut myself. At the end of the day, I'm perfectly happy with what I was born with, the pale complexion and the curly brown hair that often looks like it needs its own zip code. I think the qualities and characteristics I posses that would allow me to contribute to the UCF community, is that I try to show everyone I meet that one can't judge a book by its cover, that I strive to eliminate stereotypes, change people's preconceived notions, and show my peers that it truly is what's on the inside that counts. I know that there are other candidates with better grades and higher test scores, but I also know that if given the chance, I would do everything in my power to prosper and become a contributing part of the UCF community."

Nice job. Your voice is strong and your essay illuminates your personality.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thank you so much!

"I think the qualities and characteristics I posses that would allow me to contribute to the UCF community, is that I try to show everyone I meet that you can't judge a book by its cover, that I strive to eliminate stereotypes, change people's preconceived notions, and show my peers that it truly is what's on the inside that counts. "

if youre going to say this, give an example.



"I know that there are other candidates with better grades and higher test scores, but I also know that if given the chance, I would do everything in my power to prosper and become a contributing part of the UCF community."

This is a nonsequiter and doesn't fit in with the rest of your essay.

erotondo09 has a good point; you could leave the sentence as "I will do everything in my pwoer to prosper and become a contributing part of the UCF community" and be just fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com