Jena - Admission Essay Help

Hi,

I know my essay needs alot of work but I was wondering if you guys could help.

Thank You

In 2000, my father was diagnosed with complete kidney failure, resulting in him to dialysis three times a week, until he received a kidney in 2002. Realizing the potential fate of my father I decided to become a doctor, a veterinarian in fact so that I could do research in kidneys to understand the mechanisms that resulted in kidney failure in my father. So I decided to pursue a degree in biology, so that I may one day go to veterinary school.



As my undergraduate years preceded me, I realized that I became more interested in the social aspects of my studies, then science aspects of it. I becomae interested in the prevention and education concerning diseases. I got my first glimpse of public health when I shadowed a veterinarian at the------ Humane Society. During my shadowing period with Dr. ---- I learned of many common zoonotic diseases that affect the El Paso region. As Dr. Fletcher told me of how this disease has been controlled considerably through education of the public and initiative of the local government I became interested with the field of public health field.



I am constant in a health setting working at the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) as a work-study for the Facility Support Service (FSS). Everyday I learn something new dealing with veterans at the VA. I have been working with FSS staff assisting the engineer, maintenance, safety, and telephone staff in ensuring that the facility works smoothly. For the first two years as a work-study I assisted the safety office in ensuring the that fire extinguishers worked properly, assisting with the fire alarm panel, and maintenance of Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS). Each day I learn of how the administration works in ensuring patients get the quickest and most proper treatment. One case in particular was when a flood occurred throughout El Paso, I quickly learned of the administrative process of the public health. Working quickly each employee worked to do their task. The facility support service (FSS) watched for the weather reports and ensured the safety of the employees and patients by alerting them of them the road conditions. I assisted FSS through announcement of road closures and I also worked with the Patient Service Assistants (PSA) to ensure that each patient was safe by calling their homes and ensuring that their appointment will be re-scheduled and that they do not have to come in for their appointments.



Since this time I have been looking to further my interest in public health. In the summer of 2006, I took two health promotion courses to help better equate me with the field. Through these courses I was able to survey many significant diseases that are effecting the world today and learn that health promotion is key in lowering the occurrences of these diseases.



Presently I am a studying biology in with concentration in the biomedical aspects of biology. My curriculum allows me to explore all aspects of biology, especially those in the preventive measures of diseases. Currently I am taking Immunology and future will be taking Pathogenic Microbiology to understand the basis of pathogens why they are able to easily access the body.



Currently I am a member and secretary of Sigma Alpha Lambda, an honorary society. In this society we work through community service to promote unity throughout our community whether its through helping with the United Food Bank El Paso chapter helping sort food items so that they can be distributed to needy families or working with our adopt a highway project to help beautify our community.



If admitted to your MPH program I plan to use my knowledge of biological sciences and apply it the to the field of epidemiology. Upon earning my degree I plan to go to veterinary school where I will concentrate on the field of zoonotic diseases, so that one day I could track down up emerging infectious diseases

Greetings!

I'd be glad to help with some editing advice. Most of your essay does a good job of explaining how your experiences have prepared you for entering the MPH program. I felt your middle section about your work at the VA, however, may have given a little too much detail about tasks that don't closely relate to the studies you are interested in (such as specifics about making phone calls). The last four paragraphs were much better at demonstrating experiences which qualify you for admission.

Some errors you might consider correcting:
"resulting in him to dialysis" > "requiring him to have dialysis" [consider re-wording the rest of that paragraph; you use "so" three times in two sentences.]


"As my undergraduate years preceded me" - "preceded" means "came before." I don't think that's quite what you meant.

"then science aspects of it" > "than the science aspects of it"

"becomae" > "became"

"interested with the field" > "interested in the field"

"I am constant in a health setting working" > "I am currently working in a health setting" [if that's what you meant]

"Everyday" > "Every day"

"to help better equate me" > "to better acquaint me"

"diseases that are effecting the world" > "diseases that are affecting the world"

"and future will be taking" > "and in the future will be taking"

"whether its through" > "whether through"

"so that one day I could track down up emerging infectious diseases" > "so that one day I can track down emerging infectious diseases."

I hope you find this feedback useful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Hi,

Before I begin, I would like to say thank you to you guys for helping me. I'm back again with a much shorter version and some changes of my admission essay. I was wondering if you guys could me edit it again.

Thank You

_____________________________

// 2nd draft removed by Moderator //

Greetings!

I like what you've done with your essay! Good work!

I have just a few little editing suggestions to make it perfect:

"type II a rare kidney disease" - put a comma after "II"

"undergraduate years proceeded me" - years can proceed, but they can't proceed you; take out the "me"

"the prevention and education concerning diseases" - say, "the prevention and education of diseases"

"first glimpse of a public health" - take out "a"

"I work as work-study" - it would sound better to say "I do work-study" or "As a work-study employee, I am constantly immersed"

"the protocols how to ensure" - say "the protocols which ensure"

"to help better equate myself with the field" - that means to make yourself equal with the field. I believe you mean "acquaint" which means to become familar with

"a course in health promotion in understanding healthcare" - better would be "a course in health promotion to learn about healthcare" (you could say "to understand" instead of "in understanding" but you've already used "understand" in that sentence)

"Currently I am a member" - put a comma after "Currently"

"whether its through helping" - take out "its" (which should have been "it's" for "it is")

"veteran's health" - you're referring to more than one veteran, so say "veterans' health"

Your hard re-writing work has paid off! Again, great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Hi,

I'm back again :). Again Thank you for the revisions I have added them. I have just graduated and am looking to make two more revisions before submitting my essay and was wondering if you could look over them. Also the admission committee asks that

Please submit below an essay in your own words of no more than one page describing your interest in public health. The essay should cover career goals, leadership positions, and experience relating to the health field, research, and community service. Applicants are encouraged to describe how significant life experiences have influenced your motivation, qualifications, or academic record.

I was wondering if I addressed these things in my essay. If not I know you will let me know :).

Thank You,
Jena

____________________________________________________________ _______________

For nearly two decades my father lived with Membranoproliferative glomerulonephritis type II, a rare kidney disease that resulted in chronic kidney failure in 2001. My father was lucky enough to get a kidney transplant two years later. Upon learning the full extent of my father's disease I decided that I wanted to pursue medicine so that I could understand the disease mechanism and one day find a cure so that others may not suffer with this disease.

As my undergraduate years proceeded, I became more interested in the social aspects of my studies and became more interested in the prevention and education diseases. I got my first glimpse of public health, while working at the Department of Veteran Affairs. At the V.A. As a work-study employee, I am constantly immersed in the dealings of our veteran patients. Here I learned the protocols which ensure that veterans get the best care.
Since this time I have been looking to further my interest in public health. In the summer of 2006, I took two health promotion courses to help better acquaint myself with the field. Through these courses I was able to survey many significant diseases that are affecting the world today and learn that health promotion is key in lowering the occurrences of these diseases.

Presently I am studying biology with concentration in the biomedical field. My curriculum allows me to explore all aspects of biology, especially those in the preventive measures of diseases. In spring of my senior year I took Pathogenic Microbiology and field biology. Pathogenic Microbiology helped me to understand the basis of pathogens and how to educate others about these pathogens. My field biology course helped me learn to study the interactions of my study to its environment.

Currently, I am a member and secretary of Sigma Alpha Lambda, an honorary society. In this society we worked through community service to promote unity throughout our community whether it is through helping with the United Food Bank El Paso chapter helping sort food items so that they can be distributed to needy families or working with our adopt a highway project to help beautify our community. Through this society I believed that I learned how to work with the community.

If admitted to your Master of public health program I plan to use my knowledge of biological sciences and apply it my public health studies in particular the field of epidemiology. Upon earning my degree I plan to further my studies and pursue a doctorate in public health while concentrating my studies on veteran's health.

Greetings!

I think you have done a wonderful job of responding to the admission committee requirements. I have just a few editing suggestions:

As my undergraduate years proceeded, I became more interested in the social aspects of my studies and became more interested in the prevention and education of diseases.

This sentence was a little too long, so I made some changes:
In this society we worked through community service to promote unity throughout our community. We helped with the United Food Bank, El Paso chapter, sorting food items so that they can be distributed to needy families. We also worked with our adopt-a-highway project to help beautify our community.

Through this society, I learned how to work with the community. - It will make a stronger statement if you take out "believe."

If admitted to your Master of public health program I plan to use my knowledge of biological sciences and apply to it my public health studies in particular the field of epidemiology.

Good work! Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Thank you for your prompt response. I send my essay off.

Thanks Again!

You're welcome!

Sarah