My first summer in high school, camp counselor position - essay

The auctioneer bellowed out: "Going Once!" I looked at my Dad, he looked at me. The tension was rising! "Going Twice!" I whispered to myself, "Please, please, let it be mine!"

Sitting there, thinking back to my first summer in high school; I was offered a position as Camp Counselor, spending my days ensuring that a group of 10 unruly 6th grade boys enjoyed their summer. After I was handed my first paycheck I wanted to RUN to the mall. My mother stopped me and said, "Put it in the bank. Save it for something special". Pouting, I thought to myself, the mall has plenty of special things - I want to spend it NOW, as I accompanied my mother to the bank.

The following summer, I was offered a sweet position selling Dippin' Dots ice cream at the local water park. As I was handed paychecks each week, my mother's words swirled around in my head. I watched as my friends ran to the mall, as I slowly shuffled to the bank entrance.

The day I received my drivers' license was the most exciting day of my life! I had this wonderful achievement in my hands and I wanted to take it further! I asked my Dad if I could buy a car, not share the family vehicle, but my very OWN car. He then asked, "How much money do you have saved?" WOW, this is what I've been saving for! This was a dream come true!

The next Saturday, my Dad took me to a car auction. Big, burley guys smoking cigars, staring other dealers down, looking to buy cheap, clean them up, and sell high. But I wasn't one of them; I was just a 17 year old girl wishing to buy her first car!

My father nudged me, bringing me back to reality, and as he did I saw the Auctioneer slam down the mallet for the third time and yell "SOLD!" as he pointed at me. I was thrilled! I jumped! I cried! I bought my first car! This was the most exciting day of my life and I learned something too, that hard work really does pay off!

Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"The auctioneer bellowed out: "Going Once!" I looked at my Dad; he looked at me. The tension was rising! "Going Twice!" I whispered to myself, "Please, please, let it be mine!" Excellent opening.

Sitting there, I was thinking back to my first summer in high school. I was offered a position as camp counselor, spending my days ensuring that a group of 10 unruly 6th grade boys enjoyed their summer. After I was handed my first paycheck I wanted to RUN to the mall. My mother stopped me and said, "Put it in the bank. Save it for something special." Pouting, I thought to myself, "The mall has plenty of special things..." I wanted to spend it IMMEDIATELY as I accompanied my mother to the bank. Excellenet description!

The following summer, I was offered a sweet position selling Dippin' Dots ice cream at the local water park. As I was handed paychecks each week, my mother's words swirled around in my head. I watched as my friends ran to the mall, as I slowly shuffled to the bank entrance. Great imaging.

The day I received my driver's license was the most exciting day of my life! I had this wonderful achievement in my hands and I wanted to take it further! I asked my Dad if I could buy a car; not share the family vehicle, but my very OWN car. He then asked, "How much money do you have saved?" WOW, this is what I had been saving for! This was a dream come true!

The next Saturday, my Dad took me to a car auction. Big, burley guys smoking cigars, staring other dealers down, looking to buy cheap, clean them up, and sell high. But I was not one of them; I was just a 17 year old girl wishing to buy her first car! Great descriptions.

My father nudged me, bringing me back to reality, and as he did I saw the Auctioneer slam down the mallet for the third time and yell "SOLD!" as he pointed at me. I was thrilled! I jumped! I cried! I bought my first car! This was the most exciting day of my life and I learned something too: that hard work really does pay off!"

Excellent job. I really enjoyed reading this essay.

Regards,
Gloria
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