FSU Essay, yet another "Vires, Aates, Mores" essay...

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.


REMOVED

Good evening.

Here are my suggestions:

"The words "Vires, Artes, and Mores" are all reflected in many different aspects of my life. Although some a little more than others, which is why I am going to write about Vires. The Greek word Vires, or strength of all kinds, has been tested many times in my high school years. My grades have shown, throughout the years, my intellectual abilities in school, but being intelligent does not always apply to school related functions. Intelligence can be defined as the "capacity for learning reasoning and understanding," which is precisely why I believe that my ability to make sound decisions based on my own experiences and reasoning makes me quite intelligent as well. It may be an intelligence or instinct that comes with my life's experience that brings us physical and moral strengths.
My personal experiences throughout my life include extensive travel to foreign countries and all over the United States. I have been to island paradises that once I left the confines of my beautiful resort to travel into the cities where the natives live in shocking contrast. Once I was in Jamaica having dinner at a very exclusive restaurant on top of a mountain. When I was finished my brother and I decided to take a stroll around. We walked to the rear of the place and looked over the hill and saw something that I will never forget. It was an acre of cardboard shacks. I asked an employee at the restaurant what this place was and he told us it was Cardboard City, and that these were actually the homes of many Jamaicans. I have learned that I cannot take the little things in life for granted; it could always be worse.
A few years ago, I was in New York City during the black out of 2004. I was walking in the City when I saw a thief in broad daylight try to steal a woman's wallet right out of her purse. My father and I told the woman to watch her purse, and as the pickpocket walked away not even worried that we had seen him, he threatened to kill us if we told the policeman standing on the next block. I have also been to Alaska where an Intuit Indian took us to a glacier that he said used to be over 2 miles long when he was a little boy. Now, because of global warming is now only a few city blocks long. I watched and listened to Little Bear carve a totem pole and tell us the stories of his heritage and the meanings of the different images he was carving into a sixty foot long tree trunk.
All of these experiences have taught me things that can not be learned in the classroom. I am intellectually, morally, and physically stronger as a person and am ready to take on all of the challenges that are ahead of me at Florida State University."

The conclusion troubles me because you talk of moral and physical strength, but you have not spoken about either of those traits in your essay; in the essay you speak of intellectual strength and illustrate this with all of your stories. I suggest reworking the conclusion to exclude the items you did not discuss above.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Sorry, i have so many college essays and drafts i accidentally copied the 1st draft of this one. This is the updated version, its a little different. Thanks.

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.


The Latin word "Vires", or strength of all kinds is not something that can be taught in the classroom. Strength, both morally and physically, is something that is learned through experience. Intelligence can be defined as the "capacity for learning reasoning and understanding", which is precisely why I believe that my ability to make sound decisions based on my own experiences and reasoning makes me intelligent and strong as well. There is an intelligence or instinct that comes with my life's experience that brings me intellectual and moral strengths. My personal experiences in my life include extensive travels to foreign countries and throughout the United States. These travels have helped build my strength morally, physically and intellectually.

I have been to island paradises where the natives live in shocking contrast to our hotel rooms. Once I was in Jamaica having dinner at a very exclusive restaurant on top of a mountain. When I was finished my brother and I decided to walk around. We walked to the rear of the restaurant and looked over the hill and saw something that I will never forget. It was acres of cardboard shacks. An employee of the restaurant told us that this was Cardboard City, and that these were actually the homes of many Jamaicans. I felt very humbled and fortunate to know I had not a worry in the world compared to them. I learned that I cannot take the little things in life for granted.

Once I was in New York City's China Town, we were walking in the crowded streets when I saw a thief in broad daylight try to steal a woman's wallet right out of her purse. My father saw also and told the woman to watch her purse. As the pickpocket walked away, he threatened to kill us if we told the policeman standing on the next block. I was also in New York during the blackout of 2003. There was so much chaos, we had a rental car and were trying to get to Boston, but no gas stations were open. We were driving on empty, when we found a long line at one station that was open. We had to wait in line for hours. We ran out of gas in line, but everyone in line knew how we were feeling and gathered to help. Strangers helped us push our car as we moved slowly through the line. When we told the attendant we were trying to get to Boston, he let us go over the ten gallon limit he had set. You just never know who or what you may encounter when traveling and it's always good when you find people helping for no reasons.

These experiences and my other adventures traveling abroad have taught me things that can not be learned in the classroom. I am intellectually and morally stronger as a person and am ready to take on all of the challenges that are ahead of me at Florida State University.

it should be intellectually in the 2nd sentance instead of physically, and the last sentance in the first paragraph. Sorry about that.

Good afternoon.

Here are my thoughts:

"The Latin word "Vires", or strength of all kinds, is not something that can be taught in the classroom. Strength, both morally and physically, is something that is learned through experience. Intelligence can be defined as the "capacity for learning reasoning and understanding," which is precisely why I believe that my ability to make sound decisions based on my own experiences and reasoning makes me intelligent and strong as well. There is an intelligence or instinct that comes with my life's experiences that brings me intellectual and moral strengths. My personal experiences in my life include extensive travels to foreign countries and throughout the United States. These travels have helped build my strength morally, physically, and intellectually.

I have been to island paradises where the natives live in shocking contrast to our hotel rooms. Once I was in Jamaica having dinner at a very exclusive restaurant on top of a mountain. When I was finished my brother and I decided to walk around. We walked to the rear of the restaurant and looked over the hill and saw something that I will never forget. It was acres of cardboard shacks. An employee of the restaurant told us that this was Cardboard City, and that these were actually the homes of many Jamaicans. I felt very humbled and fortunate to know I had not a worry in the world compared to them. I learned that I cannot take the little things in life for granted.

Once I was in New York City's China Town. We were walking in the crowded streets when I saw a thief in broad daylight try to steal a woman's wallet right out of her purse. My father saw also and told the woman to watch her purse. As the pickpocket walked away, he threatened to kill us if we told the policeman standing on the next block. I was also in New York during the blackout of 2003. There was so much chaos that when we rented a rental and tried to get to Boston no gas stations were open. We were driving on empty (Remove comma) when we found a long line at one station that was open. We had to wait in line for hours. We ran out of gas in line, but everyone in line knew how we were feeling and gathered to help. Strangers helped us push our car as we moved slowly through the line. When we told the attendant we were trying to get to Boston, he let us go over the ten gallon limit he had set. You just never know who or what you may encounter when traveling and it is always good when one can find selfless people willing to help others in need.

These experiences and my other adventures traveling abroad have taught me things that cannot be learned in the classroom. I am intellectually and morally stronger as a person and am ready to take on all of the challenges that are ahead of me at Florida State University."

Much better.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com