Rutgers Undergraduate Admission essay; a vibrant community.

Hi i would like someone to review my essay. The prompt is:

Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

I'd like to PM someone it rather then put it up but if you would rather i put it up i will.

thanks.

Good evening.

In order for me to assist you with your essay, you do need to post it to the forum. Please read our FAQ and TOS sections carefully before doing so though.
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Also, if you choose to post the essay, make sure you have accurate information in your member profile. This way there won't be any plagiarism issues.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

ok thank you. here is my essay

The pulsating diversity of Rutgers University illustrates the quintessence of society; the vast ethnicities and cultures not only diversify the educational experience of this University as the interactions of individuals lead to understanding and compassion. My contribution to the vibrancy of Rutgers consists of my heritage and devotion to my motherland. Throughout high school, I finally understood and embraced my Indian background; my greatest qualm, however, came with my advent of Hinduism. The preaching of its morals intrigued me for quite some time. To fully embrace its values and demystify its vast intricacies, I joined the Peacock Society in my freshman year in high school, in which discussions of religious texts ensued and celebrations of its festivals commenced. As I finally connected with the inner soul of my culture, I decided to give back through volunteering at the Vraj temple in Pennsylvania as well as volunteering in its Vraj Youth Camp. Throughout the experience, I tried to instill in the young children various aspects and virtues of the Hindu religion that I learned while being a camper for 7 years. My understanding and familiarity with Indian culture, religion, ethics and arts could greatly add to the multiethnic environment of Rutgers University. With the discipline and knowledge ascertained over years of soul-searching and blunt realizations, my knowledge could greatly supplement the culture found at Rutgers University.

This multifaceted culture I seemingly refer to can benefit me to a great extent; my passion for other cultures, languages and ethnic cuisines can be quelled through the environment at Rutgers. Not only do I wish to immerse myself with various religions and cultures, I want to learn about additional religions and study other languages to expand my knowledge. I wish to enter and leave as a responsible member of society with a liberal education in cultures and ethnicities including my own.

Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"The pulsating diversity of Rutgers University illustrates the quintessence of society; the vast ethnicities and cultures not only diversify the educational experience of this university as the interactions of individuals lead to understanding and compassion, but what? You begin this statement with "not only," leading your reader to expect a continuation of this thought. This is almost a consequential statement: the university provides this, and thus is the result. As is it, it is a dangling, unfinished thought.. My contribution to the vibrancy of Rutgers will consist (Because it hasn't happened yet.) of my heritage and devotion to my motherland. Throughout high school, I finally understood and embraced my Indian background; my greatest qualm, however, came with my advent to (Because you did not create Hinduism; instead, you came to it. Hinduism. The preaching of its morals intrigued me for quite some time. To fully embrace its values and demystify its vast intricacies, I joined the Peacock Society in my freshman year in high school. In this environment, discussions of religious texts were encouraged and celebrations of festivals commenced. As I finally connected with the inner soul of my culture, I decided to give back through volunteering at the Vraj temple in Pennsylvania as well as volunteering in its Vraj Youth Camp. Throughout the experience, I tried to instill in the young children various aspects and virtues of the Hindu religion that I learned while being a camper for 7 years. My understanding and familiarity with Indian culture, religion, ethics, and arts could greatly add to the multiethnic environment of Rutgers University. With the discipline and knowledge ascertained over years of soul-searching and blunt realizations, my knowledge could greatly supplement the culture found at Rutgers University. How, specifically?

This multifaceted culture I refer to can benefit me to a great extent; my passion for other cultures, languages and ethnic cuisines can be quelled through the environment at Rutgers. Not only do I wish to immerse myself with various religions and cultures, I want to learn about additional religions and study other languages to expand my knowledge. I wish to enter and leave as a responsible member of society with a liberal education in cultures and ethnicities including my own."

A nice start.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Hi,
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll adjust my essay according and i guess later on ill post it again.

Thanks once again

You're welcome! Sounds good.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

hey,
i just wanted to know what it mean to show instead of tell. because i've been hearing and reading that lately and i was wondering if my essay (third post) showed that.

Good evening.

By "showing" you use adjectives, metaphors, and similies frequently but not too frequently in your writing. By being concise, organized, and discussing your points one at a time in order you will "show" your readers. Using too many cheesy metaphors or being disorganized in your order will "tell" your readers what you want them to know. Your first sentence "shows"; this sentence, 'Throughout the experience, I tried to instill in the young children various aspects and virtues of the Hindu religion that I learned while being a camper for 7 years' "tells".

Just another note, please read point #13 in our TOS regarding multiple postings of the same essays repeatedly.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com