An essay - Why MIT should admit me?

Please critique and tell me how it is! Thanks a lot in advance!

Why MIT should admit me?

I have a dream: a dream of making the world a better place, a dream of bringing people from different walks of life together, irrespective of anything, to work hand-in-hand for a better tomorrow, a dream of creating sustainable technologies, a dream of solving the energy crisis, a dream of creating an economic balance between the countries of the world, a dream of making this world a place where companionship thrives and no social divisions prevail, a dream of living life to its fullest. MIT is a place where I'm sure I can continue working towards realizing my dream everyday. MIT is a place I know where I can balance the Riemann Hypothesis and Fuzzy Circuits and quite a lot of fun and laughter too.

Last year, I wasn't even sure whether I would ever be able to go to college. I couldn't apply for the 2008 session, due to terrible family conditions centered on my father's illness. But I took it positively; I decided not to let the feeling of an uncertain future destroy my present. I plunged into activity. Balancing jobs, studies and my own research projects, I tried consolidating my family. I gave them strength, leaving no stone unturned to rebuild my family, moment by moment. I have seen poverty, felt its pangs, been thrown into a deep dark hole, and successfully climbed back out. My struggles have rendered me a stronger and more determined person. I know how it feels to be deprived of opportunities and be oppressed. So, this year I decided to give back to the world that has inspired me to climb back up through the hole. I have traveled to remote villages, working with the inhabitants, motivating them to come up and speak for themselves, creating self-help groups. I have worked with children with disability, creating awareness within their families that their children are entitled to the same rights as we are. I am not trying to change the whole world at once, but I believe that one day I will, starting today with one village, one disabled child, and one oppressed farmer.

I have always been different from my peers. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but at a time when my friends were thinking of the inter-school debate competitions in a topic they didn't really believe in, I was devoting myself to the making of the artificial eye. I had to face jeers and terrible comments; everybody thought I was a show-off. But I didn't let that hamper my work. I always said to myself, "What do you care what other people think?" I failed quite a lot of times during my first project, because I didn't have a mentor to correct my mistakes. I didn't want somebody to help me. I wanted to learn from my own mistakes. I got up every time I fell; every failure for me was another opportunity to reach my goal. Every living moment was an inspiration for me, reminding me of the power of human spirit, teaching me resilience and perseverance.

I have also found out that I love taking risks. There's a joy in venturing into the unknown which rock-climbers like me know very well! It's the joy of putting your hands into the golden pot, terribly excited; not knowing what may come out. I am driven by that excitement. That desire to do off-the-beaten-path things, to create something, to solve problems. It's this desire that takes away my fear of failure and gives me the strength to lead, and take the initiative in creating the difference.

I love life, with all its ups and downs, tears and sorrows, failures and achievements. I believe in enjoying life, drinking from the fire-hose of knowledge as much as this life would let me to. I believe in the power of hope, in the power of love and in the power of friendship. I believe in working together with people. I thrive best in a collaborative atmosphere, because I believe I alone can't make a difference, I need the help of all my brothers and sisters.

Whatever few opportunities life has given me, I have grabbed them with both hands. I consider myself fortunate on having received a sound education. In a country where half the children don't even know that there are 26 letters in the English Alphabet, I consider myself lucky enough to have been exposed to such wonderful opportunities that have helped me to know myself better, to challenge myself, to cross the limits that I had unknowingly set for myself.

Having said all this, MIT is just the logical next step for me. I believe I will thrive in MIT's collaborative yet intense atmosphere, a place where new ideas are born everyday, a place which provides a guiding light to the world, a place where people, though so busy with their immensely important work, find out time to sit back and enjoy and "live" life.

Good evening.

Here are my suggestions:

"I have a dream: a dream of making the world a better place, a dream of bringing people from different walks of life together, irrespective of anything, to work hand-in-hand for a better tomorrow; a dream of creating sustainable technologies, a dream of solving the energy crisis, a dream of creating an economic balance between the countries of the world. A dream of making this world a place where companionship thrives and no social divisions prevail; a dream of living life to its fullest. MIT is a place where I am sure I can continue working towards making my dream a reality everyday. MIT is a place I know where I can balance the Riemann Hypothesis and Fuzzy Circuits and quite a lot of fun and laughter too.

Last year, I was not even sure whether I would ever be able to go to college. I could not apply for the 2008 session, due to terrible family conditions centered on my father's illness. I took this positively; I decided not to let the feeling of an uncertain future destroy my present. I plunged into activity. Balancing jobs, studies, and my own research projects, I tried consolidating my family. I gave them strength, leaving no stone unturned to rebuild my family, moment by moment. I have seen poverty, felt its pangs, been thrown into a deep dark hole, and successfully climbed back out. My struggles have rendered me a stronger and more determined person. I know how it feels to be deprived of opportunities and be oppressed. So, this year I decided to give back to the world that has inspired me to climb back up through the hole. I have traveled to remote villages, worked with their inhabitants, motivating them to come up and speak for themselves, creating self-help groups. I have worked with children with disabilities, creating awareness within their families that their children are entitled to the same rights as we are. I am not trying to change the whole world at once, but I believe that one day I will, starting today with one village, one disabled child, and one oppressed farmer.

I have always been different from my peers. I do not know whether that is good or bad, but at a time when my friends were thinking of the inter-school debate competitions in terms of a topic they did not really believe in, I was devoting myself to the making of the artificial eye. I had to face jeers and terrible comments; everybody thought I was a show-off. But I did not let that hamper my work. I always said to myself, "What do you care what other people think?" I failed quite a lot during my first project, because I did not have a mentor to correct my mistakes. I did not want somebody to help me. I wanted to learn from my own mistakes. I got up every time I fell; every failure for me was another opportunity to reach my goal. Every living moment was an inspiration for me, reminding me of the power of human spirit, teaching me resilience and perseverance.

I have also found out that I love taking risks. There is a joy in venturing into the unknown which rock-climbers like me know very well! It is the joy of putting your hands into the golden pot, terribly excited; not knowing what may come out. I am driven by that excitement. That desire to do off-the-beaten-path things, to create something, to solve problems. It is this desire that takes away my fear of failure and gives me the strength to lead, and take the initiative in creating the difference.

I love life, with all its ups and downs, tears and sorrows, failures and achievements. I believe in enjoying life, drinking from the fire-hose of knowledge as much as this life would let me to. I believe in the power of hope, in the power of love and in the power of friendship. I believe in working together with people. I thrive best in a collaborative atmosphere, because I believe I alone can't make a difference, I need the help of all my brothers and sisters.

Whatever few opportunities life has given me, I have grabbed them with both hands. I consider myself fortunate on having received a sound education. In a country where half the children do not even know that there are 26 letters in the English alphabet, I consider myself lucky enough to have been exposed to such wonderful opportunities that have helped me to know myself better, to challenge myself, to cross the limits that I had unknowingly set for myself.

Having said all this, MIT is just the logical next step for me. I believe I will thrive in MIT's collaborative yet intense atmosphere, a place where new ideas are born everyday, a place which provides a guiding light to the world, a place where people, though so busy with their immensely important work, find out time to sit back and enjoy and "live" life."

Good job. The main thing I notice is that you use casual contractions quite a bit; this is inappropriate in academic writing, so try not to use them. Other than that, you've got a good essay here. Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thanks a lot!!

By casual contractions do you mean 'don't' for 'do not' etc? How much did the essay connect with you? Did it come across as honest and touch you? Any other structural faults that you found out?

You're welcome.

That is exactly what I mean. You came across as a very knowledgable and wise individual; your essay presents your experiences in a strong and concerted manner. Otherwise, it looks good.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thanks a lot!! Though this is not really an admission essay, more of a thing my Interviewer asked me to think about, so I thought about developing it fully. Will post the admission essay soon ... thanks again!

Sure.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

OK. Here goes another one. Thanks!

What has been my greatest achievement till date?

My greatest achievement till date has been my ability to hold on to my goals and ideas. The fact that I have not let the darker forces of life to overpower me is my greatest achievement. The fact that I have not let peer pressure transform me into a robot, foolishly running after money and fame, is my greatest achievement. The fact that even after blowing my circuit atleast 1000 times I still carried on, is my greatest achievement. The fact that I had the courage enough to think and dream differently and also that I had enough perseverance in me to work towards realizing my dream is my greatest achievement. The fact that I had enough strength in me to stand up after I fell, that I could consolidate my family, that I could literally bring back my father from the dead, the fact that I could at least make one disabled child smile and show the light of hope to one weary farmer is my greatest achievement. The fact that at this young age I was able to change even a few lives, and help atleast a few people garner enough strength to keep realizing their dreams, is my greatest achievement. The fact that I am still living my dream, in spite of being faced with great adversity at every step, is my greatest achievement. This achievement is more prestigious and coveted to me than any international gold medal I could ever have won, and I am proud of it!

Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"My greatest achievement to date has been my ability to hold on to my goals and ideas. The fact that I have not let the darker forces of life overpower me is my greatest achievement. The fact that I have not let peer pressure transform me into a robot, foolishly running after money and fame, is my greatest achievement. The fact that even after blowing my circuit at least 1,000 times and still carried on, is my greatest achievement. The fact that I had the courage enough to think and dream differently and also that I had enough perseverance in me to work towards realizing my dream is my greatest achievement. The fact that I had enough strength in me to stand up after I fell, that I could consolidate my family, that I could literally bring back my father from the dead, the fact that I could at least make one disabled child smile and show the light of hope to one weary farmer is my greatest achievement. The fact that at this young age I was able to change even a few lives, and help at least a few people garner enough strength to keep realizing their dreams, is my greatest achievement. The fact that I am still living my dream, in spite of being faced with great adversity at every step, is my greatest achievement. This achievement is more prestigious and coveted to me than any international gold medal I could ever have won, and I am proud of it!"

Nice work. If you need to increase your word count, you can include short examples of each of your statements; this would help the flow a little bit as well. Good job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thanks a ton!! Do you think this essay has that 'spark', which is required to stand out in the pool of essays for a place like MIT?

You're very welcome.
Your voice is very unique, and that will make it stand out.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com