UF Essay-Agriculture

Hi,

Here's my UF essay. I would appreciate any advice you might have. I am particularly concerned about my opening paragraph--does it seem like a rough transition from that paragraph to the next?

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It is five thirty on a misty August morning, and I walk quietly down the stairs of the old farmhouse that I share with five other young interns. I put on my rubber boots and walk to the goats' pasture, a fenced yard behind the house. There, I give our two young does fresh hay and change their water before walking back to the farmhouse to prepare for a new day of working in the fields on the organic vegetable farm that is temporarily my home.

I decided that I wanted to work on an organic farm in the winter of 2007. Though I am not from a farm family, I had become very interested in sustainable agriculture over the past year or so. So, that February, I doggedly contacted farms that had advertised positions on organic agriculture websites. At the end of the month, Harvest Hill Farm in Walden, Vermont—a tiny, remote community in the northern part of the state—agreed to take me on as an intern the coming summer.

I arrived in the forested, hilly, rural community of Walden in early June to begin working. I quickly formed close bonds with the other young women working at the farm as our combined effort nutured produce from soil to consumer. I immersed myself in the rhythm of rural life and farm work, rising early and working in the fields or greenhouse from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. When one intern decided to buy two goats to keep outside of our farmhouse, I was thrilled, and I became the first person to see them each morning. Though I had been worried that I would have a hard time doing physical labor 40 hours a week, I soon almost wished that I could work longer days.

When I helped at farmers' markets, I realized how happy people were to purchase produce directly from the farm. Strolling shoppers smiled to see large, crisp heads of lettuce and stacks of freshly dug beets on our produce-filled tables. Though I had already decided that I wanted to become a small-scale, sustainable farmer because I knew that food produced organically is healthier for consumers and the environment, seeing this connection between people and land reconfirmed my convictions.

Working on the farm was the best way that I could have spent the summer. I learned more about organic food production, to be sure. But just as importantly, I learned what it feels like to be a part of something important, and to work closely with others to accomplish a greater goal. As a student at the University of Florida, I would bring to the campus that ability to work collectively, and to understand how my small contributions add up to something larger than myself. Most importantly, I would bring the passion that drives my life: my dedication to sustainability and a healthier agriculture.

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Thanks for the help.

Good afternoon.

Here are my suggestions:

"It is five thirty on a misty August morning, and I walk quietly down the stairs of the old farmhouse that I share with five other young interns. I put on my rubber boots and walk to the goats' pasture, a fenced yard behind the house. There, I give our two young does fresh hay and change their water before walking back to the farmhouse to prepare for a new day of working in the fields on the organic vegetable farm that is temporarily my home.

I decided that I wanted to work on an organic farm in the winter of 2007. Though I am not from a farm family, I had become very interested in sustainable agriculture over the past year or so. As a result, that February, I doggedly contacted farms that had advertised positions on organic agriculture websites. At the end of the month, Harvest Hill Farm in Walden, Vermont—a tiny, remote community in the northern part of the state—agreed to take me on as an intern the coming summer.

I arrived in the forested, hilly, rural community of Walden in early June to begin working. I quickly formed close bonds with the other young women working at the farm as our combined effort nutured produce from soil to consumer. I immersed myself in the rhythm of rural life and farm work, rising early and working in the fields or greenhouse from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. When one intern decided to buy two goats to keep outside of our farmhouse, I was thrilled, and I became the first person to see them each morning. Though I had been worried that I would have a hard time doing physical labor 40 hours a week, I soon almost wished that I could work longer days.

When I helped at farmers' markets, I realized how happy people were to purchase produce directly from the farm. Strolling shoppers smiled to see large, crisp heads of lettuce and stacks of freshly dug beets on our produce-filled tables. Though I had already decided that I wanted to become a small-scale, sustainable farmer because I knew that food produced organically is healthier for consumers and the environment, seeing this connection between people and land reconfirmed my convictions.

Working on the farm was the best way that I could have spent the summer. I learned more about organic food production, to be sure. But just as importantly, I learned what it feels like to be a part of something important, and to work closely with others to accomplish a greater goal. As a student at the University of Florida, I would bring to the campus that ability to work collectively, and to understand how my small contributions add up to something larger than myself. Most importantly, I would bring the passion that drives my life: my dedication to sustainability and healthier agriculture."

Excellent essay! I only had a couple of corrections!

Regards,
Gloria
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