ucf essay - bump in the raod

I would really appreciate any feed back


I would really have to say that the "bump in the road" that affected my academics, would have to be health reasons. I have had my share of health issues from freshman through my junior year of high school. Little did I realize what a problem this would become, not only academically but in my personal life also. I really did miss a lot of school and it was hard to keep my grades where they should have been. I missed having fun with friends when I was not feeling well and had to stay home many Friday nights, when all my friends were at football games, I was home in bed. So many Saturday mornings, my friends called and wanted me to go to the beach, or shopping. I just couldn't get out of bed. I even missed homecoming my junior year. Yes, I bought a ticket, bought a dress that I had searched months to find the perfect one, but as usual I got sick as I was putting on my new dress. I was heart broken.
I finally decided that something had to be done. My doctor finally decided surgery was my only option. Not too mention I was sick and tired of medication. Reluctantly, my parents and I agreed to surgery. It really came down to the only thing that would make me better. We decided to have it done over the summer, so I would have plenty of time to recover. I was scared. I never had any surgery and didn't know what to expect. My parents were always very encouraging. They told me that there was noting to be afraid of, and would tell me how much better I will be after. They were right. I am doing so much better. I still feel sore, but as each day goes by, I notice a remarkable difference.
This year, my senior year is supposed to be easy. All my hard work was supposed to pay off this year. Not for me, because of an illness, I have to work extra hard to prove myself. I know that the "bump in the road" is over, surgery was successful. I have in fact, never felt better physically. I do not want people to think of this as an excuse, or a cop out. It really happened to me. I feel like I missed a lot of events throughout high school due to this bump in the road. I am looking forward to all the senior events and even joining clubs to make the most of my year. Perhaps trying to fit everything in this year will be a challenge, but I want to do what I missed out on my first few years. I plan on going to college, no matter what it takes to get there. I will be the first in my family to attend college, and there is no bump in the road big enough to stop me from doing that. I know with perseverance and determination I will not stop until I succeed.

Good evening.

Here are my thoughts:

"I would really have to say that the "bump in the road" that effected my academics (Remove comma) would have to be health-related. I have had my share of health issues from freshman through my junior years of high school. Little did I realize what a problem this would become, not only academically but in my personal life also. I really did miss a lot of school and it was hard to keep my grades where they should have been. I missed having fun with friends when I was not feeling well and had to stay home many Friday nights; when all my friends were at football games, I was home in bed. So many Saturday mornings (Remove comma) my friends called and wanted me to go to the beach (Remove comma) or shopping but I just could not get out of bed. I even missed homecoming my junior year. Yes, I bought a ticket, bought a dress that I had searched months to find the perfect one, but as usual I got sick as I was putting on my new dress. I was heartbroken.
I finally decided that something had to be done. My doctor finally decided surgery was my only option. Not too mention I was sick and tired of medication. Reluctantly, my parents and I agreed to surgery. It really came down to the only thing that would make me better. We decided to have it done over the summer, so I would have plenty of time to recover. I was scared. I never had any surgery and did not know what to expect. My parents were always very encouraging. They told me that there was noting to be afraid of, and would tell me how much better I will be after. They were right. I am doing so much better. I still feel sore, but as each day goes by, I notice a remarkable difference.
This year, my senior year, is supposed to be easy. All my hard work was supposed to pay off this year. Not for me, because of an illness. I have to work extra hard to prove myself. I know that the "bump in the road" is over, surgery was successful. I have in fact, never felt better physically. I do not want people to think of this as an excuse, or a cop out. It really happened to me. I feel like I missed a lot of events throughout high school due to this bump in the road. I am looking forward to all the senior events and even joining clubs to make the most of my year. Perhaps trying to fit everything in this year will be a challenge, but I want to do what I missed out on my first few years. I plan on going to college, no matter what it takes to get there. I will be the first in my family to attend college, and there is no bump in the road big enough to stop me from doing that. I know with perseverance and determination I will not stop until I succeed."

Nice work! A few mechanical corrections, but overall a good essay.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Thank you so much. It is great to get your feedback. You really helped!

Now that you have commented, should I delete this ?

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Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Here is another, but for fsu

Vires, Artes, Mores, these three little words fifteen letters, have such a huge meaning. I get my strength from the values that my parents have instilled in me from the time I was born. It was summer of eighth grade. My grandfather had become ill. My parents decided to bring him to our house so that they could care for him. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with a very grim prognosis. In the next weeks to come, we had hospice at our house on a daily basis. This had turned our lives upside down. My brothers and I had prayed for the very best outcome, but we knew that there was no best outcome. We knew that he was dying. From that point on, my brothers and I tried to help as much as we could. I woke up and would sit with him during the night. In those last few days my grandfather would tell me to always do the right thing in life. Be the best person I could be. I knew from that point on, that I would always be the best I could be. I had also learned to live life to the fullest and no matter what always strive to be the best.

It was the early morning hours of July 4th. I had committed to march in a parade for our city with my cheerleading team. I could tell by the look on my mothers face that something was wrong. She had called my other grandmother, to come pick up my brothers. She took them to her house. I got back from the parade at noon. There were relatives at my house. I walked in and saw my parents crying. They had told me that my grandfather died. My heart sank. He was the love of my life. I cried myself to sleep that night, and kept remembering what my grandfather and I had talked about in the weeks before this. He gave me not only strength and character but the skills that I need in life to be the absolute best person I could be. I now live life to the fullest. He taught me that strength comes when you least expect it. I had witnessed his remarkable strength by the fight he gave to live. I will always take that with me wherever life may lead me. My grandfather also taught me that life is short. In an instant your world can change for the better or for worse. I often think that the experience that I went through has made me a strong person. I know that whenever I feel like I am sad and miss him, all I have to do is think back to our last weeks together and I know that I am one of the luckiest people in the world, because of him. It is because of my grandfather that I have the strength, skills and character to succeed in anything I decide to do.
I must admit, when I started writing this essay I had never heard the Latin words "Vires," "Artes," and "Mores", I actually sat and thought about how each applied to me. Now that I have done that I appreciate those three little words, they do play a huge part in my life.

Good evening.

Here are my suggestions:

"Vires, Artes, Mores. These three little words, fifteen letters, have such a huge meaning. I get my strength from the values that my parents have instilled in me from the time I was born. It was summer of eighth grade. My grandfather had become ill. My parents decided to bring him to our house so that they could care for him. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with a very grim prognosis. In the next weeks to come, we had hospice at our house on a daily basis. This had turned our lives upside down. My brothers and I had prayed for the very best outcome, but we knew that there was no best outcome. We knew that he was dying. From that point on, my brothers and I tried to help as much as we could. I woke up and would sit with him during the night. In those last few days my grandfather would tell me to always do the right thing in life. Be the best person I could be. I knew from that point on, that I would always be the best I could be. I had also learned to live life to the fullest and no matter what always strive to be the best.

It was the early morning hours of July 4th. I had committed to march in a parade for our city with my cheerleading team. I could tell by the look on my mother's face that something was wrong. She had called my other grandmother (Remove comma) to come pick up my brothers. She took them to her house. I got back from the parade at noon. There were relatives at my house. I walked in and saw my parents crying. They had told me that my grandfather died. My heart sank. He was the love of my life. I cried myself to sleep that night, and kept remembering what my grandfather and I had talked about in the weeks before this. He gave me not only strength and character but the skills that I need in life to be the absolute best person I could be. I now live life to the fullest. He taught me that strength comes when you least expect it. I had witnessed his remarkable strength by the fight he gave to live. I will always take that with me wherever life may lead me. My grandfather also taught me that life is short. In an instant your world can change for the better or for worse. I often think that the experience that I went through has made me a strong person. I know that whenever I feel like I am sad and miss him, all I have to do is think back to our last weeks together and I know that I am one of the luckiest people in the world, because of him. It is because of my grandfather that I have the strength, skills, and character to succeed in anything I decide to do.
I must admit, when I started writing this essay I had never heard the Latin words "Vires," "Artes," and "Mores", I actually sat and thought about how each applied to me. Now that I have done that I appreciate those three little words. They do play a huge part in my life."

Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com